Something I’ve never been that great at is spontaneous conversation. I’m more than capable of public speaking if I’ve prepared something in advance. But if someone asks me something out of the blue, I really struggle to engage in deep conversation. Afterwards I’ll think to myself damn, why didn’t I bring up X or Y?
Half the time I don’t know what to add and I struggle to think of what to say. Sometimes words feel like they’re on the tip of my tongue and I can’t get them out, especially when I’m under pressure. And in group conversations, I find it hard to interject when I do think of a point. By the time a natural break comes along, the conversation has moved on.
I’d love to get better at this. What can I do to improve?
A lot of conversation is about listening, not speaking. However, if you engage in active listening, you might find the speaker will look at you more, allowing you to add in your two cents.
You hear about and see this a lot. You can even see it on people’s faces sometimes when you talk to them. They are already thinking about what they want to say rather than actually listening to what is said. So they are listening to respond rather than listening to truly engage in the conversation. I think many of us can be guilty of it at times. So I try to catch myself when I’m doing it. Remind myself how it feels to be on the other end of it when someone else does it.
What do you mean by active listening exactly?
Listen to what someone is saying and really think about it, let them finish their thought without preparing what you’ll say. Then actively ask a follow up question, a who, what, why, where, or how question about what they just said. Don’t add your own related detail.
I’ve always interpreted it to mean somewhat the opposite of what you describe. To me: passive listening would be sitting quietly until a person is done speaking and then taking your turn. Actively listening would involve the occasional, and obviously respectful interruption with clarifying questions or anecdote to indicate that you are going along with them on the journey, rather than reading about it, so to speak.
Non-verbally and rarely verbally reacting to what is being said at the rhythm of the conversation.