Insert horrified looks when I tell me friends some “funny stories” from my childhood. :D
“Pug, you’re an incredibly smart kid, but you’re lazy.”
Me, unable to remember homework, but acing every test and going above-and-beyond on any project with freeform requirements, leading to solid Bs and Cs despite half my assignments being a flat 0 for not being turned in: “Yeah.”
… kind of wish someone looked a little deeper into the issue at the time.
Growing up neurodivergent in the 80s and not being disruptive enough to demand said deeper look may lead to:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Internalization of negative self-worth
- Avoidance of formal higher education
- Early burnout
- Lifelong vague dissatisfaction
- Disillusionment with the world and its systems
- Being terminally online searching frantically for the next dopamine hit
Who are you and how did you read my diary?
… uncle jerry?
Same. There’s more of us?
I only have about half of those, so…yay?
Ha. Rookie! /j
Help lol
It ain’t much but it’s honest work.
Oh hey thanks! I was looking for that!
Uhhhh oh boy heh…
My mom used to talk in code a lot for no fucking reason. She’d throw out the weirdest segues and irrelevant stories. When I (barely) graduated from a gifted kids high school, she jumped from telling me she was proud of me, to telling me that when my sister was little, all her teachers told her that she should be “tested” - heavily implying it was for learning disabilities - and added that “none of [her] babies are retarded.”
2 things - that sister had dyscalculia and never got beyond an associates degree because she kept failing math. And it took until my mom died to figure out she was also talking about me - and every one of my siblings.When going through my mom’s things, I found out that she ignored the advice of several teachers and school counselors to get me tested for ADHD. Because she didn’t want a ‘damaged’ kid.
Now that’s a tough pill to swallow. How’d you cope with that?
It prompted me to begin the process of being evaluated.
Insofar as the emotional aspects?
I had made a choice not to speak with her many years before. She was a badly broken person who refused to change in any way. Her response to having her failings pointed out was defensiveness and accusations against the accuser.
Sometimes you doubt yourself when it comes to cutting off a parent. Was it really that bad? Were they really that harmful?
I don’t think it’s fair to say I ever hated her. I went from mad to sad for her, to just disappointed.
Learning these things about her was more or less met with a bitter chuckle. Rueful, I suppose. It was further validation that she put her ego over my well-being. But I can’t change what is. I can’t undo a life of forgetting, of failing at things because despite accidentally deploying almost every ADHD coping mechanism, I still needed additional help.
I do regret that I didn’t know I had ADHD much earlier in life. It would have made so many things easier. I’m probably delayed about 10-15 years professionally because of struggles in school, as well as poor social skills (which are better in recent years, mind you). My most noticeable symptom is that I have object permanence issues - awareness of ADHD probably would have prevented me from developing some negative self assumptions*, and perhaps empowered me to not harm, or at least mitigate some of that harm for people who just ceased to exist for me when life was tumultuous and my working memory was too small to encompass them.
*And the assumptions are, if not valid, then reasonable to understand - when I am not interacting with someone, they just crystallize in my head into the person they last were. I have crushes on people I haven’t seen in years because they haven’t changed in my head. Conversely, I have a friendship with another object permanence person that is fantastic. We see each other once or twice a year and it’s like we never stopped talking. But for most people I atrophy and attenuate. I fade. People forget me. They get upset because I don’t reach out. I don’t remember they exist. And so when I see someone I haven’t seen in years and I remember them and want to give them a big hug and treat them like they are exactly as close as we were the last time we saw each other, they (rightfully) treat me like a stranger, and it hurts in a way that I … am going to talk to my therapist about, because I’m off the rails. But I feel that I don’t have a social home, because there’s no place my social self lives. I am a ghost.
That’s why I picked this username, actually. Because it means I’m still here.That is a beautiful but tragic story. I’m in a similar situation, ADHD/autism - got diagnosed way too late literally after high school and after trying desperately to begin college and struggling ridiculously hard. I am basically 30 now I struggle with the same things you mentioned. “People permanence” is a problem for me too. I struggle with socializing and relationships too in so many ways I can’t possibly keep up. I often feel very lonely no matter who is there talking with me.
I want to give you a virtual hug as I could had written the exact same things for me. I struggle with the same stuff and now being close to my 40s it is exhausting. I got diagnosed with ADHD before almost 5 years but as I look deeper into I tend to believe it must be more like a childhood trauma result than just genetics. Lookup C-PTSD and the overlapping symptoms are way too much for this would be just a coincidence. But every step towards a better situation is a good step.
Fuck, man, the stigmatization of neurodivergence has done so much damage to so many people :(
It really, really has.
Can’t have ADHD if you don’t get tested! Fucking brilliant.
Same here. I didn’t get diagnosed until a couple of years ago but the signs were always there…
Now I’m just biding my time until my youngest two get the diagnosis (my husband and I both are ADHD, and our other kids have already been diagnosed).
High potential + severe adhd => ticking bomb
You got the “good” (/s) adhd. There’s the other adhd where you suck at tests because you can’t pay attention and you don’t do the homework or projects either.
Well, I definitely didn’t pay attention in class. I slept through a number of my classes on the regular. But I was a little bookworm desperately short of books, so I gleefully and willingly poured over the textbooks in my free time. Or in math class, which bored me to tears and I was never any good at.
We have starkly different opinions about our textbooks. I found mine achingly uninteresting. Regular fiction/fantasy/sci-fi books? I could devour a novel in a day. “Sailed the ocean blue in 1492”? Couldn’t be bothered.
Our literature textbooks had Asimov and Twain, while history has always been an obsession of mine. Science was good too, until it got into chemistry, at which point it veered too much into math for me to care.
Sounds more interesting than ours, which had snippets of made-up quotes or stories to demonstrate proper form when writing. History is awesome in my current opinion, it’s fascinating. In school it was nothing more than being forced to memorize names, dates, and places. I’ll diverge from your opinion on math here, I hated it in regular school, but I really enjoyed college maths like physics because it had application and real-world results. Not just pointlessly solving versions of a^2 + b^2 = c^2.
Different strokes…
I kinda wonder how the fuck I wasn’t diagnosed as a kid but my siblings were. I remember going to a therapist as a kid and yet nothing was said or done about any problems I had.
I got this but my parents did know I had ADHD. My mom didn’t want to put me on mods though, so I mostly just got weird stuff done to manage it. Like making me sit in the bathroom with no distractions, not allowed to leave until homework was done, among other things.
ADHD still affects me in the workplace, but I’m fortunately in a position where it’s not too detrimental and my bosses both like me and understand my challenges.
I feel this comment.
One problem I had though was that some of my teachers were like, “I think he should be tested for ADHD and/or autism,” and my parents going on a tirade about it not being real or some shit.
Of course I only found that out after I got diagnosed with ADHD (still haven’t got the courage to ask my doc about autism though) and told my parents therefore triggering they’re tirade aimed at me where they mentioned my teachers talking about it pretty consistently in school.
Would have loved getting that diagnosis when I was younger than 29.
My mother was actually very open about mental illness, took it very seriously. I was diagnosed bipolar from a young age because she was looking out for me.
Unfortunately, the idea of ‘ADHD’ in the minds of non-specialist observers was tied in with the idea of hyperactivity at the time, and I was anything but a hyperactive kid.
I’m inattentive type ADHD so maybe that was a contributing factor to why my parents felt they way they did about it
They generally take mental health seriously but for somethings they’re pretty damn backwards on
How’d that turn out? How’d college and/or employment go?
Poorly, on both. I took longer than normal to complete my degree’s credits, and spiraling depression and anxiety closed off most of the ‘usual’ avenues of employment. I eventually managed to scrape out a living in a field which didn’t require my degree. C’est la vie.
Damn. We are so similar. At 50 and having my kids diagnosed I am finally realizing why.
I feel like that’s a common outcome, unfortunately.
Same for me, but they hadn’t identified ADHD yet
I did all my homework in the next claas, so at the end of the day I had one thing left, which I’d do in the first class the next morning. Didn’t carry books home.
And now these horribly abused children are adults with their own children.
Thankfully a lot of them are learning to break the cycle of parental mental abuse
You don’t have to die alone!
You can get sterilized then start (or join) an anarcho-communist polyamorous commune. If you find the right mix of traumas, it can function really well! Or end in fire. But it will be exciting, and you won’t be alone!
That’s what we need, more good old sex cults.
I agree, my anarcho-communist polycule is fun. And very queer.
Oh good, find a whole group of people to disappoint instead of one at a time.
"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself. "
"Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself. "
I did not get out early, but my eventual spouse and I were on the same page: the crazy stops with me.
My sister had different plans and now has two neurodivergent kids. ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ
I’m pretty sure that one of my parents and their siblings are all ND. I don’t think it’s terrible, but the unawareness certainly is.
Agreed. At least one of them has been in for assessment, not sure about the other but the signs are there.
And I should probably clarify. There’s other (undiagnosed) mental illness that runs in my family, and one side in particular is rife with substance abuse. Whether the root of those issues can be traced to “benign” forms of neurodivergence is moot outside of genetics: the learned behavioral patterns of abuse and violence were pretty deeply ingrained. I only got to see some of it growing up, but it was enough. I wanted nothing to do with any of it. My brother fell into the drug trap in early adulthood. My sister was the youngest, and was thankfully shielded from the worst of the family bullshit. She still did the same thing my mom did though: had kids way too young with a meathead, and not enough money.
I am trying to be a role model for my nephew in particular, but as my shit isn’t exactly together it’s an uphill battle. There’s a whole world of toxic influencers out there taking in the bucks by telling him who and what to blame his problems on, all available at the tap of a screen. And then there’s… gestures vaguely at the world at large …yeah.
Awe, she had one to make up for you! How sweet of her!
I was told that I was under the influence of demons! Which, to a child raised in a deeply religious household, will absolutely destroy any sense self-worth you have. Especially when the goal is to make you act like the complete opposite of who / what you simply are at your core.
Too bad for my parents, because now I both don’t like people and have a burning hatred for religious establishments!
With certain very rare exceptions to specific individuals…
Fuck the Boomers.
And their parents.
Signed “You’ll never be able to function in normal civilized society with that attitude!”
Dick parfaits for the lot of em.
I loved how mental healthcare was treated like satanism in the '90s. Especially by the religious.
That’s because mental health care threatens to dismantle the carefully crafted delusions the church has worked for millennia to establish.
I was forced to adapt for survival but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a struggle. Also I didn’t do “fine” in school, though that’s the front I put up. In reality I barely graduated high school and scraped by with like a 1.8 GPA, couldn’t get into college, and got kicked out of community college. And I hurt a lot of people I cared deeply about along the way too.
So similar.
Read Neurotribes by Steve Silberman
One asshole at Hopkins, leo kanner, sat on neuridiversity info all through most boomer childhoods.
Their parents got blamed for it by their own depression-era parents.
There was only one way to be, only certain foods, everything else was either a sin or a personal failure. Those kids could not answer questions honestly, just repeat back the same approved cultural pablum that maga wants to go back to.
Simple has several meanings.
The only light was Dr. Spock, but too subtle for many readers, he had to couch things carefully in his time and the culture was deafening.
Only after Lorna Wing released her work in the 70s did it start to normalise for some Gen Xers.
*Mr. Spock 🖖
lol i know, no reason to downvote 😅
I don’t have downvoting.
Him too. Leonard Nimoy’s character was a pretty good template for the “cool nerd”
I related to him strongly, but talking that way was outrageous at the time, when I did it I felt more at ease but people got angry.
I’ve wondered if Spock was a nod to Dr. Spock by Roddenberry, because he was a cultural icon at the time, including being roasted by comedians and newspaper columnists.
All this current environment happened in steps and leaps and with people building on previous work.
Bill W was going around with bottles of LSD to try to break addiction at 12 step meetings, beatniks led to hippies, the culture was cracking open at the seams, meanwhile all boomers are the same and never dealt with any personal or cultural struggles, since there were no protests about the war in Vietnam or musicians dying of overdoses or people shot at Kent State or the president then his brother being shot to death. No struggles at all.
In contrast, at that time neurodiversity was a small issue, it rarely made the papers in a time when even plain old gayness was shocking enough. When it did it was just filler about weird intractable kids in Dear Abby, no mention of leaded gas fumes and cigarette smoke everywhere people went, no thought of Agent Orange factories or burning rivers having anything to do with it…why can’t these kids act normal?
A ND kid in the 60s was just laughable and weird and hopeless, nerd was not a nice word at all, no love in its usage.
Unless they shrugged resignedly and masked. People who were kids from that time still reflexively use NT behaviors as reference points, that’s how one got through.
It wasn’t a joke: I still have a chip missing from a front tooth from having my face rammed into the rail of a schoollbus seat.
It seems to me that mental health issues, including, but not limited to, ADHD, are being taken more seriously.
Previously, the lazy, slacker, troublemaker kids were just beaten until they did what they were told.
Yeah, I’d say the threat of violence is a pretty good motivator to overcome the symptoms of mental conditions, and at least mask so hard that people can’t tell that you’re a complete fucking mess, right up until the day that your mental health degrades so much that you off yourself.
Thanks.
Ever wonder why so many people break down in their 30’s/40’s?
I thought the mid 30s nervous breakdown was just the next big adult milestone…drive, vote, buy tobacco, gamble, buy alcohol, rent a car, get married, buy a house, have a kid, have a nervous breakdown, get a colonoscopy, and then just wait for the clutches of death.
I don’t, but I’m sure other people are completely mystified.
Kids are getting diagnosed with mental health issues, and I’m hearing a lot less about kids killing their parents…
Imagine how they treated Grandma as a child, then.
Grandma gets a lot of leeway from me, as she grew in WW1, lived through WW2 and was tortured during the civil war. She has hard as steel. For me it’s still a funny story, especially since at the time I was hiding under a desk scream-crying “iiiiiiiiii” like a goddamn bombing alarm and she just wanted me to shut up :D
So what you’re saying is, physical violence against kids works to prevent symptoms of ADHD&autism from being too debilitating? Cause I’m not sure that’s the message you wanna put out there.
“works” is doing some heavy lifting here. ND people having to mask is stressful. It’s not for our primary benefit, it’s for others. It’ “works” the same way that beatings “work” to prevent left-handedness.
Removed by mod
“Everyone is wearing a mask” is papering over the fact that for some that mask weighs way heavier and does damage to their mental health. Masking ND is not the same as having to put on a nice face when you don’t actually feel like it.
You have to remove the ableist slurs
@db0 I am genuinely curious. Your post has no any tag, but why does it is on my ‘hashtags’ tab?
So far I can see three of your posts on the tab.
I am using Tusky.
Lemmy is adding the tags in the activitypub metadata which mastodon then correctly reads. The tags don’t need to be in the text of the post for mastodon to parse them (neither do the reply usernames for that purpose). It’s just that in your normal mastodon interface, it only parses things from your text, so you’re used to seeing it there.
EDIT: In this specific case, you’re seeing it in the #adhd tag, because it’s tagged like this for being posted in the !adhd@lemmy.dbzer0.com comm.
@db0 Ahhh I see. Yes, the hashtag tab contains ‘adhd’, ‘mentalhealth’, ‘ocd’, ‘ptsd’, ‘depression’ and ‘anxiety’.
Thanks for the information. I really appreciate it.
She knew your parents well.
When half my concentration in a given conversation goes to behaving “properly” (trying not to fidget, maintaining a hopefully appropriate amount of relaxed eye contact without staring, appearing attentive but relaxed), half goes to figuring out whether, how, when and what to contribute and I also have to listen and process the words because I occasionally struggle with understanding spoken language… yeah, sure, I may seem normal, but something somewhere is gonna drop off the radar.
Whether I say something appropriate or hit the right timing to chime in without either interrupting or being too late becomes (even more of) a gamble, which stresses me out and causes anxiety, further taking away focus and composure. Alternatively, I become quiet and feel more like an observer on the sidelines than a part of the conversation, isolated by my own struggles. Or I blunder and say something wrong and retreat to that isolation in shame. Or I don’t really hear what you’re saying, lose track of the conversation, am caught off-guard by the odd question cast my way, or simply retreat from trying to contribute because I don’t even know what we’re talking about, back into the same isolation.
I’m a chatty person. But I’m scared to chat with most people. Doing so leaves me either mentally or emotionally drained and upset. I hide away, retreat to the internet where I can better regulate my participation, make excuses not to attend company events, let social contacts slip away because maintaining them is too much stress, struggle to make doctor’s appointments or call for a med refill…
If you think I seem normal - thanks for the compliment, I worked really hard on that facade. I’m glad it’s working.
But inside, I die a little each time.
Removed by mod
I’ll engage with you in case you are acting in good faith.
“Helps” here is an interesting take, but not an uncommon one. There have been and continue to be a lot of people that when they see someone who has adhd or autism or some other neurodivergence think “let’s help them act ‘normal’”
If you are a neurotypical person you might even genuinely be thinking this is a good thing and in some ways it can be. Providing accommodations and life skills that are compatible with neurodivergence can make a world of difference.
The problem is that there is a long history of “help” being neither accommodations nor life skills, but discipline and shame. Here’s a thought experiment if you are neurotypical that might help.
Imagine that the world was majority autistic, since autistic individuals are the majority they consider their way of thinking to be neurotypical and you are neurodivergent. You want to do things that make sense to your brain, you’d like to make small talk and you find it very hard to stay focused during your school days 4-hour special interest hyper focus time.
Society “helps” you by telling you you are lazy and unfocused and all the normal people are able to spend 4 hours in a row completely consumed by their special interest but you keep wanting to talk or have variety and it’s very disruptive. They teach you “how to hyper focus” but nothing they say works for you, your brain isn’t wired to do this. They scold you when you don’t. They finally decide the best path would be to label you divergent and give you powerful stimulants so that you can remain hyper focused like a normal person. They “help” you.
And then one day you learn about how your brain is simply different, that you shouldn’t have felt bad all those years for being unable to do something your brain just isn’t wired to do. You realize that you don’t even really know the person that you are because your whole life you’ve been faking it, running scripts that they taught you so people won’t be upset at you, and taking chemicals to force your brain into an unnatural configuration.
Then someone comments on your post “So what you are saying is a good upbringing helps.” How would you feel?
Not OP but your example was a super interesting explanation.
“Helps.”
Your comment has been reported and I admit, I am trying to understand what joke you’re trying to make here. Can you clarify for me?
If I’m going to be an optimist, the post says “People didn’t previously get diagnosed because a bad upbringing is just abuse and not diagnosis” and this person is saying “with a good upbringing, you get help with diagnosis instead of abuse.” No joke involved. just “The secret to not having miserable kids is not abusing them.”
Obviously the negative take would be “Abusing your child until they behave ‘normal’ is a good upbringing because it ‘helps’ them blend in”
Which one was it? 🤷 Poe’s law kinda means it’s impossible to know if this is sarcasm or not. I’m not about to go digging through someone’s post history to find out their attitude on the topic.
Removed by mod
Reported for what? 😂 I swear too much time on this community and you’d think people with ADHD are marginalized as much as trans people. Get over yourselves
This is not a zero sum game. Your comment comes off as pretty hateful but on the off chance it’s not intended as a troll, support disadvantaged people and be empathetic. There’s a lot of community overlap.
Reported for what?
Probably for defending child abuse
Pretty sure they said having a good upbringing (supportive/attentive parents) helps negate the effects of undiagnosed ADHD, not sure how tf you got defending child abuse.
The way it’s worded reads like they’re implying doing the things in the tweet to make kids “normal” is good parenting. It’s not uncommon for dipshits to say that, and the ban makes me think they doubled down on it.
I think that comment has two readings:
- The commenter potentially missed the point of the post a bit and saying good parenting helps because it means they get diagnosed sooner
- The commenter is saying that the abusive behaviours listed in the post count as “good parenting”
I can see why the second might get reported.
Good parents help
