“The Onion is proud to acquire Infowars, and we look forward to continuing its storied tradition of scaring the site’s users with lies until they fork over their cold, hard cash,” said The Onion CEO Ben Collins. “Or Bitcoin. We will also accept Bitcoin.”

Fuckin’ legend

Everything from the platform’s studio equipment, online dietary supplement store, a Terradyne armored truck, its social media accounts and even a Winnebago motorhome was up for sale to the highest bidder.

Lmao they’re taking the copper out of the walls

What’s interesting is the Onion and the Sandy Hook Lawyers have been in negotiations for this to go smoothly, because the Onion despite being satire is probably the most progressive publication in the US on gun violence and other buyers have talked about keeping Alex Jones involved in the company. Imagine those conversations.

Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.

“We thought it would be a very funny joke if we bought this thing, probably one of the better jokes we’ve ever told,” Collins said. “The (Sandy Hook) families decided they would effectively join our bid, back our bid, to try to get us over the finish line. Because by the end of the day, it was us or Alex Jones, who could either continue this website unabated, basically unpunished, for what he’s done to these families over the years, or we could make a dumb, stupid website, and we decided to do the second thing.”

holy shit this is the funniest possible outcome for Alex Jones’ asset liquidation, this is fucking incredible lmao

auctioning off an email list is pretty fucked even if the hogs on this particular list deserve whatever they get.

Onions are bad for pups. Makes me sad because Pizza smells so nice.

I hope they keep Alex Jones’s communism financing operation going.