Yeah this hurt. When I became homeless I ended up vanishing from everything. Had no Internet access or anything. Was just gone. Always checked in with people. Was there when needed and then I can’t contact anyone for a month. I was worried about my friends and worried they were worried about me and that I couldn’t tell them what was going on.
When I finally got access to the Internet to message people I realized no one had even noticed. No one messaged me asking where I was. No one checked in. No one did anything. I sent a couple people a message like “Hey hows it going?” and they’d respond with the usual. Really didn’t notice I was gone.
I ended up logging back out of all of it. Didn’t login again until a year later when I was in a homeless shelter trying to figure things out.
One person messaged me.
They were asking if I could share Netflix with them.
I deleted my accounts. Have a hard time trusting people and making friends noe not like childhood abuse from my mother made it easy. How do you believe people care when your parents don’t and when the people you loved didnt?
Happy Holidays. I’m spending mine in bed.
The beginning of COVID was a real eye opener for me. I was checking on work my friends and family and work colleagues to make sure they were okay and eventually realized that no one reciprocated. No one cared enough to reach out. I was in tears after a call with my own mom where she asked how my boyfriend was doing twice but she never asked about me.
Long story short, but I’ve cut a lot of ties and am trying to focus on myself for a bit. Really fucking lonely, but I think I prefer this to believing I have people who care about me when they actually don’t. The truth hurts, but it’s been really freeing too. Now I just need to find my people, which is really hard now because I don’t go out due to social anhedonia. Yay…
Isn’t this actually better? I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone if I disappeared. In fact it feels more like freedom, to be able to pick my hat and go off to random places without people worrying over me
I mean it might be if you aren’t feeling profoundly alienated from humanity and worthless to begin with. Also if the context is homelessness and your survival being in question it would feel pretty bad that everyone’s left you to die. But of course there is a mindset factor there, probably someone who isn’t depressed and can take care of themselves just fine could feel alright about no one worrying over them.
Alone myself. Been missing for years to people.
Can’t say all the effort for people seemed worth it. My anxiety has made me recluse which I’m turn makes it worse. I’ve physically met up with friends only once this year, the last 2-3 I’ve been suicidal, and the last 10 years I’ve been becoming worse. COVID didn’t even feel like it happened, I was already afraid to go outside; only now I had an excuse to not feel as bad or disappointed because I couldn’t go out anyway!
Being 31 and having no way to just join in socially to anything anymore makes it all the bit more crippling. Everyone’s fully established in their friend groups, work, family, children, so on so there’s little time; even if I overcome my anxiety, no one will be there or even know me anymore. I’ve gone several years without a single person attempting to talk to me.
I was heavily abused when I was a child, and was bullied a lot, it already started me off on a bad foot. Celebrated three birthdays with friends my whole life. Any other event? No. Halloween once. I try, and I put effort, but I think my efforts in life aren’t very rememberable it seems. So here I am. It’s a shame, I was sociable and capable when I was younger. Still had anxiety. But I guess I was more naive and didn’t know how easily forgotten all the friendships and events would all be.
Oh well.
Merry Christmas everyone, stay safe.
Hey if you want a friend, I’m here. Keep in mind I have crippling ADHD so when I vanish for a huge chunk of time it’s not because I don’t love you but because I’ve fallen for one of the classic blunders (I only think about you when I’m afk or working so I’m thinking about you but you don’t get a message.)
This is probably why all my long-term friends are neurologically atypical actually. We all have the same problem. And why one of my oldest friends and I catch up on a random weeknight at odd hours about once month when one of us sends the other a meme.
I have a friend I haven’t seen in over 10 years. He live less than an hour from me. I still try to remember to message him happy birthday on steam (but forget some years) and sometimes we’ll do some catching up.
My antidepressant made me want to do serious harm to people and myself out of rejection.
That is why Im starting to realize filling the void is non-negotiable. Your body can have a passive drooling coping method, or you can be naturally or artificially flipped to become a raging maniac or vice versa.
Actually having even the chance of getting rid of it goes heavily into neuroplasticity territory. You need the artificial methods like MDMA therapy to ever have a chance of untangling immutable childhood wiring.
I wish I could do that then I could quit my job and I wouldn’t have to hide it from my mom who would threaten to make me move out if my house they gave me. I’m too tired I need a sabbatical…
Yeah I feel that. I know it’s not the same, but no one except my employer really noticed when I was in the psych ward. Also, sometimes I do think of people and want to check in on them, but I feel too self conscious or that they’ll think I’m prying or being nosy, especially if it’s been a long time since we’ve talked.
This is a good reminder to reach out.
I don’t know if that amounts to much, but I’m pretty sure a lot of us would notice here if you were to disappear.
Cheers, and strength.
That is so sad and shitty Stamets, and honestly I’m shocked to read this has happened to you as you’re so funny and active on Lemmy, I look for you every time I sign on. You’re like the coolest lemming! I hate that you are struggling, so I’ll send you all the virtual hugs and admiration. Fuck your parents for not caring about you, that’s BS. I hope you keep being you, and that you find your people soon, in the meantime, I’m here on the interwebs. Hugs.
Thanks but it’s whatever. I’m used to it. Just tired.
Find people who actually give a shit about you. I hear they’re found next to Unicorns and Leprechauns…
