Basically title…
Background I got out of a very long and desperately unhappy and demanding relationship about 2 years ago.
Been in therapy essentially the whole time working on various issues but crucially here getting to grips with my romantic intensity.
Never had issues with respecting boundaries, but I like everyone (romantically in a purely monogamous way), and tend to get really into the people I date.
I’ve been dating off and on, met some awesome people, didn’t work out, but I’m on good terms with all even friends with quite a few so it’s been good.
Short term ex Met this person just over 1yr ago, we saw each other a lot for about 3mths (I mean multiple times a week, looking after her puppy, lunch dates with her mum without the ex, intense).
She was always icy, never seemed interested, but would say yes to whatever activity if I asked and it didn’t involve her planning or putting any sort of work in. For some reason this was like drugs to my brain and I fell hard.
Thankfully she randomly decided one Saturday to break up with me and I wouldn’t fight it (which she didn’t appreciate) so we went basically cold-turkey just under a year ago.
New relationship 2 months ago I met someone really great, she’s actually putting in the work as well and it’s going gangbusters. She’s also incredibly pretty (I’m not bad looking but not on the same level), genuinely concerned about her eyesight.
Additionally she’s constructive and genuinely into me (probably on a similar intensity level as me).
But I find myself thinking about the girl I saw a year ago increasingly often. Part of it is that I’m now concerned the relationship could end just randomly, and part of it is that it just seems easier - I don’t have to always be the one asking and I can just enjoy some dates without the stress of planning everything.
And this is messing with my head and it’s so frustrating.
TL;DR After a decade of dating women who expected everything done for them, I’m now potentially in a healthy relationship and struggling to keep my brain from thinking back to the “good old days”.
I feel this, but I’m coming from a very different angle, having been out of a long term (10 years) relationship for almost a year now, and in therapy for several things since then.
When I find myself ruminating on my ex, wondering what’s she’s doing and/or sabotaging my drive to get out and meet new people, I find that it helps to think about why things ended and what I’ve been able to accomplish and feel good about since the split.
It provides some perspective about who I am as an individual, instead of only thinking of myself in the context of that relationship, and it sounds like you might be similar to me in that you invest heavily in a relationship to the point where that becomes a major part of your self identity, which spiraled into codependency.
I think what might be throwing you for a loop here is that this is sounds like an actual partnership (e.g. you don’t have to initiate everything), rather than a pursuit/job on your part to keep things going, which is unfamiliar territory.
I encourage you to keep working with your therapist on everything, and when you find yourself stuck in that type of thought spiral, take a mental step back and try to find what kicked off that train of thought so you can better manage your reaction to it in the future.
(Sorry if this is rambly/all over the place, on vacation and been drinking)