Yes, but I would be wary of placing too much individualist importance on it. For example, I used to spend some time around an online dating forum and it was common for people to have the same issues with the same apps (there are a bunch that are all owned by MatchGroup and so have much of the same freemium practices that revolve around extracting money from you rather than finding you love). And it was common to see the sentiment that it was easier to find a date on them even as recently as before the pandemic.
At the same time, it’s important when evaluating it as a system that you don’t blame the victim. Some people in those same spaces will say it isn’t their fault, but it is “women’s fault” (in one way or another). Or they will insist that women have some kind of privileged position, while ignoring the violence and objectification that women regularly grow up with and continue to deal with pretty much their whole lives.
So there is an important difference in systemic evaluation between understanding when some things are out of your control (ex: dating apps being rigged against you) vs. scapegoating (ex: blaming women).
There is also a certain amount of luck to consider in it, especially as it relates to what standards and expectations you have. The more specific it is what you want, the harder it will be to find. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing to want something specific, but if your pool of people you are willing to date is 1000 people, there’s much better chance of one of them liking you back than if your pool is 10 people. And then there is also just doing things that get you in front of people, meeting them, spending time with them, etc. Some of us tend to spend a lot of time indoors, some doing it more so after pandemic, work from home, all that kind of thing. You can find people through online, it’s not impossible, but the point here is just you can’t date someone you never meet or never spend time around.
These are things to consider before even thinking too hard about what you are as a person. If there are repeat themes in how you’ve struggled that involve what you are as a person, then that is certainly an area of importance to examine. But there is a lot you can look at before you even get to the point of the individualist “change yourself from within” stuff. I think it is important to genuinely love yourself and nurture that, but I also think it’s BS when people say you need to do that first like it’s some requirement. Nobody says to a baby, “You’ll get my love once you start loving yourself.” That’s just not how human beings function. We can’t do something if we have no idea what it looks and feels like in the first place. But that doesn’t mean you necessarily need romance to value yourself healthily, when that is an issue; friendships that are generous with support and nurturing can also help; the right kind of supportive therapist can help.
Yes, but I would be wary of placing too much individualist importance on it. For example, I used to spend some time around an online dating forum and it was common for people to have the same issues with the same apps (there are a bunch that are all owned by MatchGroup and so have much of the same freemium practices that revolve around extracting money from you rather than finding you love). And it was common to see the sentiment that it was easier to find a date on them even as recently as before the pandemic.
At the same time, it’s important when evaluating it as a system that you don’t blame the victim. Some people in those same spaces will say it isn’t their fault, but it is “women’s fault” (in one way or another). Or they will insist that women have some kind of privileged position, while ignoring the violence and objectification that women regularly grow up with and continue to deal with pretty much their whole lives.
So there is an important difference in systemic evaluation between understanding when some things are out of your control (ex: dating apps being rigged against you) vs. scapegoating (ex: blaming women).
There is also a certain amount of luck to consider in it, especially as it relates to what standards and expectations you have. The more specific it is what you want, the harder it will be to find. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing to want something specific, but if your pool of people you are willing to date is 1000 people, there’s much better chance of one of them liking you back than if your pool is 10 people. And then there is also just doing things that get you in front of people, meeting them, spending time with them, etc. Some of us tend to spend a lot of time indoors, some doing it more so after pandemic, work from home, all that kind of thing. You can find people through online, it’s not impossible, but the point here is just you can’t date someone you never meet or never spend time around.
These are things to consider before even thinking too hard about what you are as a person. If there are repeat themes in how you’ve struggled that involve what you are as a person, then that is certainly an area of importance to examine. But there is a lot you can look at before you even get to the point of the individualist “change yourself from within” stuff. I think it is important to genuinely love yourself and nurture that, but I also think it’s BS when people say you need to do that first like it’s some requirement. Nobody says to a baby, “You’ll get my love once you start loving yourself.” That’s just not how human beings function. We can’t do something if we have no idea what it looks and feels like in the first place. But that doesn’t mean you necessarily need romance to value yourself healthily, when that is an issue; friendships that are generous with support and nurturing can also help; the right kind of supportive therapist can help.