This is depression, alcoholism; it’s getting pretty late-stage. All of this is wrong, and everything I’ve gone through insists they’re fucking Reifenstahl.
Yes, I have mentioned her twice this week. It’s because it’s germane. I’m using that word a lot more, too. It holds a certain connotation.
But that aside, I do not want 988. I want a solution, not some attempt to make me believe rich people shall be my saviors.
It’s a bit of a shot in the dark here, but have you considered looking into psychedelics? If you’re careful with them I’ve heard they can be life changing for treatment resistant depression and addiction. I only have experience with high thc cannabis (infrequently but at somewhat regular intervals, 1-4 times a month), but even that’s helped me (not in an assimilation into capitalism kind of way but in a feeling less burdened by the world kind of way, freer to pursue community, relationsips, etc, with less fear)
Even if you keep it in mind as a last resort, it might be something to consider.
Alternately/concurrently perhaps look into philosophy like that of Mark Fisher, bell hooks, or Lacan/Zizek for more perspectives from people trying to make sense of our current social reality.
I actually have! Grew way more shrooms than needed. Like seriously, four fucking quarts, which I figured would made for good trade at a regional burn. Except everyone had them, too. Trading for E was a difficult ask.
Also, I would encourage you to read my post history about this.