I feel like past a certain age everyone doesn’t like growing older. For me I have that same feeling plus the added pressure that every year I go from being an X year old virgin to an X+1 one year old virgin. I’m about to finish collage and go into the work field which given my internship I can already tell I won’t have much of a chance at meeting new people even less girls.
Everytime I find someone and start getting along with them really well. I think to my self this will finally be the year which I stop being a virgin. But it just has not worked out. Of course I dont go into a relationship with the sole goal of losing my V-card but it is something that crosses my mind.
I am 24 year old and I am still a virgin.
I think I’d love to offer a bit of a different outlook personally. Most of the comments I see here are going in the direction of “don’t stress yourself about it too much, you will be able to do it/ it is cultural pressure”. I personally experience that for me it doesn’t help at all - like yk, I know I shouldn’t stress myself too much about it anyway, but I still do. And my personal opinion is that every emotion is incredibly valuable. If you feel insecure about it and if you feel you should make a fuss, these is something important your emotional system is trying to convey to you.
Most of the time, emotions aren’t shallow, but rather a bit deeper. In this case I presume the issue for you probably isn’t just that you are a virgin, there is something deeper connected to this feeling. For example, maybe the fact you are a virgin also means that you don’t get the sexual validation you need and deserve to feel confident in your body. Or maybe it is connected with the need to belong: you want to be able to experience what other people feel, and you don’t do so right now. The feeling of not belonging is a very powerful one.
I will be honest - when I was younger, it really sucked. I only has first sexual contact in university, so pretty late for the metrics of my surroundings. Until this time, I felt very insecure and also to some extent worthless - why is everyone able to have it and I’m not? Am I broken or wrong? I presume some of the same thoughts plague you as well.
Probably you already know common strategies for dealing with this feeling. In case you don’t, pretty good ones involve working out, meditation, good sleep and nutrition, therapy, talking with a friend about your struggles, or reading a book about the topic and how other people related to it.
I’d like to offer you different psychotheoretical viewpoints of your feelings. I can’t testify which one apply here the most, but maybe it can help you to understand a bit better what the source of your struggle is.
A cognitive therapist would tell you that your feeling is, as most of the other commenters wrote, a result of your learning. Aka, you learned that during college people need to have sex, and you didn’t - so you feel that you failed because your learning says so. Thus, the best procedure would be for you to recognize that you don’t NEED to have it, e.g. by talking to people who also stayed virgins, and “reconditioning” yourself.
A rational emotive therapist would expand upon the thought of the cognitive therapist by adding that you feel the NEED to conform. Aka, you have the thought in your head that you MUST be perfect and you MUST perform and you MUST excel, or else you’re a worthless pile of trash. Thus, an REBT therapist would advise you to work on your deep-seeted belief that you MUST be perfect, and instead accept your imperfection - in this case, accept that even though you’re a virgin, you’re still a worthy human being, worthy of love and self-worth. This you can achieve by self-disputing, imaging how it would be to be a non-virgin, etc.
A psychoanalyst would tell you that your struggle is a result of early childhood experiences. For example, early on you maybe felt self-concious about your body, or you didn’t really belong to a group. Orthodox psychoanalysts would in fact say that this is directly connected to your parents, and that a trauma before the age of ~6 is the reason you feel so bad now… And this early trauma now gets reactivated, simply I a different context. The key to healing would thus be to work through your trauma, recognize and accept it, and thus prevent this issue from “popping up again” later in future.
A systemical therapist would tell you that your struggle is a result of your surrounding and your interactions with other people. For example, maybe someone from within your family pressures you into taking up a good-paid, respected job. This pressure interacts with your emotions in such a way that you feel pressure in other parts of your life as well, for example here. Thus, it would be necessary to examine your surroundings and understand what the people want from you, how they see you etc., and then change the system in a way that accommodates you better.
As you see, many different people say lots of different smart stuff about what to do and where this feeling comes from. I personally can only tell you that I really emphasize with your struggle. I felt very similar, and it just really really sucks. If you see all the other people around you being able to accomplish something you fight so hard for, and yet it still doesn’t work out - that just really, really sucks, especially if there isn’t any prospect of change. It is important for me that you know you’re not alone with this experience, and that there are others who felt the same. In fact, thank you for sharing this story - it also makes me realize that I’m not alone with my feelings here either.
I wish you the best of strength to deal with your struggles here. If you have any additional questions, feel free to pop by and ask - I always love to talk about psychology :)
Thank you so much for sharing in such detail, you’ve said things I never thought about. How looking at things from a different physiology perspective might change how I see things.
I do struggle with some of the thoughts you mentioned. I have always felt insecure and the added fact that I’m still a virgin just adds to my insecurities.
My dad has pressured me for things like school education and discipline. But when it came to girls he didnt really do so and he even told me it was better to just focus on my studies. Which I did but its not like I had an alternative ie someone interested enough in me to distract me form my studies.
But yeah my best friend for example has had all these experiences, meeting girls in such random scenarios and getting to have relations. Minewhile I’m still a virgin. All be it, all except for one of the girls I would probably not like to have sex with personally.
And I honestly dont know what to do to change this. All I’ve been doing is just trying to better my self. Learned to play the guitar. Almost graduated. Already have a job. Going to the gym/volleyball. I tried to dress better/fancier. All of these things and I still have no one.
Yes, I think I can relate very well. What I try to bring across to people is a model Albert Ellis, the founder of REBT, has proposed for how exactly emotions come to be. Basically, the model has three layers:
A- Activating event (e.g. a friend tells you how amazing it is to have a GF, you lay in bed and think that you’re still a virgin) B - Belief (I MUST already have had sex, I MUST be able to relate, I MUST have succeeded here) C - Consequence (you feel shittily, because you couldn’t fulfill your beliefs)
The model is also called the ABC model, for short.
The nutshell is that the event in ITSELF (aka that you’re a virgin) doesn’t make you miserable, but your beliefs and relation towards it. For example, imagine someone who wants to be a monk. They would be happy to still be a virgin, right? Or imagine someone who wants to wait until the right partner comes along. Imagine a devout Christian, who wants to wait until marriage, or an asexual person.
In short, many people would perceive being a virgin as GOOD, as something very nice and positive. That does not mean that you have to feel the same way, by all means - but it means that your personal beliefs, convictions and motivations heavily shape your perception.
Or, to put it differently - you really seem to have put a lot of effort into improving yourself and working out, right? You did everything one reasonably might suggest to do. So perhaps it is a good thing to take a step back and remind yourself that the reason you feel so bad about it is partially connected to your personal beliefs about what you should do and how to be. You don’t feel terribly because you’re a virgin, you feel terribly because you think you MUST NOT be a virgin.
By no means do I want to tell you that it is wrong - I personally definitely struggle with this concept. However I think it is good to simply keep this in mind to be able to exercise a bit of self-compassion, that the reason you feel bad is because your beliefs bash down on you and tell you “you’re a worthless piece of shit because you didn’t fulfill xyz” You are not a bad or worthless person by not being a virgin, I honestly believe it.
And besides - my personal story is, I am very very happy to have waited for my first kiss until my current partner. I have felt terribly that all the other people around me already had relationships, and I didn’t. Nowadays I am very happy to have waited, because it makes my physical relationship with her very very special. She is the first person I shared myself on a physical level with, and I wouldn’t trade all the nice girls in high school for this bond we share now. Perhaps that’s something you can also reframe for yourself: assuming you will find a partner one day (which I presume you’ll be able to do), the fact that you’ll be able to know she’s your first sexual contact will be very special - for you just as much as for her.
I hope this makes sense or may be helpful. If you have any additional thoughts or questions, don’t hesitate to reply :)
This is very helpful. Honestly from all the comments here, yours have been the most insightful and helpful (not to say the others didnt help).
Funny enough I did hear about the ABC stuff when I tried therapy (I only had like 3 sessions and didn’t like my therapist) but I never thought to apply the ABC to this situation. Thank you for that realisation, for sharing your expenice and for being so open to talking. And I am happy to hear about your current relationship going so well.
I’m very glad it was helpful! I study psychology, so always happy to be able to share a bit of knowledge :) Best of luck to you!
Bro straight up ask your friend to get you laid. Lower your standards and just follow his lead to check that box. Don’t over think it - the goal is to get into a 1 on 1 situation after some drinking (not too much) then just go for it. Don’t worry about it being embarrassing because your goal is not to see the lerson again, its to fuck. Everything will come much easier after that, trust me.
I cannot emphasize the lowered standards thing enough. The sexual context itself is surprisingly stimulating. Even if it goes terribly it will throw a switch in you which just demystifies the process