I had two months to make an application, I spent all of summer in my room on my bed, with the occasional psych-appointment (on the rare chance I didn’t cancel). So because it’s quite urgent that I submit this, my mind is shutting down, feeling sleepy despite sleeping all day, locked in my room, it’s quite warm but I feel terribly cold. I can’t ask what do I do, because I know what I need to do: just do the application! But for some reason, my mind does not want to. Like I have this IDGAF attitude when a lot is at stake if I don’t submit this application.
I’ve got no one to talk to because I don’t want to and I don’t have the energy to lie or smile. I even feel like a fraud claiming that I’m feeling apathetic because I hate this state. And hate is an emotion. I hate that I have all these memories of the person I used to be, before all this. I was punctual, less feeling, organised and my motivation run deep. Now I’m not even a shell of who I was, I don’t even aim to be like I was. I’m just aaaaaarregh.
Edit:
So after yoyoing between pitying myself and being disappointed, I took a walk, then got on the tram. Was a lot less anxious when I returned, I just did the application. The walk honestly was motivated by you guys. I feel so hypocritical that I tell this to my closest friend and my sister when this mood hits, but I can’t tell it to myself. Also, I’m still cold, but I’m okay with it because the anxiety of the application is gone now that I have submitted it (I don’t expect much from it, pessimist here, but I’m relieved it’s over and done with). Thank you. I even rescheduled my appointment, and took doses as prescribed (I’ve been intentionally missing my doses as I don’t feel any better).
I discovered this community and your post today. A lot of what you wrote rings familiar to me. It’s a cycle I am always afraid of because I know how easy it is to slip in and how hard to get out.
I start avoiding a thing and it just keeps growing, I don’t allow myself to do anything else really because the THING is still there. I distract myself with something irrelevant until I can’t stop because once I do I think about THE THING and anxiety and self-hate bubble up. Too avoid these feelings, I need to keep distracted until I am too tired to keep my eyes on the screen. By this time, morning light is already disturbing my exhausted sleep. I wake up at noon, dehydrated, and go right back to distracting.
I think that everyone’s replies are magnificent, excerpts from them got copied to my collection of good advice. I hope today finds you ok and I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles.
Hey stranger. I feel glad I have someone who understands this feeling/state. How are you feeling now? At this very moment.
Secondly, I’m so glad on how well you’ve articulated this feeling, this state. I am, sometimes, too overwhelmed to even find words to describe it. The avoidance, the consistent intentional distractions (with still this very thing at the back of your mind), I did eventually submit what I needed to, and I could breathe and wondered why such a thing was weighing me down. Yesterday was terrible for me, today I woke up in better spirits.
Honestly, I’m grateful for this platform and space and for people to willingly and voluntarily share what they can to give you/me a push (no matter how slight or grand). And I’m glad the response gave you some insights.
Update me (if you’d like) on how today’s going for you, yeah?
Oh, I forgot to add: take a minute at a time. People tell me to take a day at a time, but I find it easier to be more graceful with myself if I take it a minute at a time. And also, just trying to go out for walking or even staying in the sun (I’m not sociable, can describe myself as an introvert and someone in the comments made me aware about cabin fever).
Note: I hate the sun, and I don’t like daytime but forcing/coercing myself to engage in either has changed my mood slightly. I hope this can help or any other thing. I also picked colouring books, you know the ones for kids, and I find colouring a sort of relaxing. Just mindless scratches on a paper.
Lastly, this could be TMI: I am not a healthy eater, and been suffering from constipation for as long as I can remember. Oats has been magic for me, and honestly, I credit it for my current mood.