Common Questions:

In this section, I want to try to answer some of the most common questions I get from people who are trying to figure out if they are bisexual and/or how to embrace that identity more fully and truly in their lives.

“If my attraction isn’t 50/50, am I really bisexual?”

First of all, we want to be careful with the language of “50/50” because it suggests a limited binary attraction. While that might be true for you, because that way of thinking is often used to delegitimize bisexuality as a whole, finding more inclusive language can help others by changing the typical narrative. So, instead, you might frame it like this: “What if I am not equally attracted to different genders? Am I still bisexual?”

The answer is yes! Referring back to the description by Robyn Ochs, our attractions do not have to express themselves in equal measures. You can be attracted to different genders but “not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree”. Further, attraction is multi-faceted.

For example, you might be more romantically attracted to one gender, while more sexually attracted to another. Or you might not have sexual attraction any genders, but feel deep romantic connections (biromantic asexuality). The point is that the diversity of how our attractions express themselves is vast (and sometimes fluid), so don’t worry about fitting to any expectation, lining up with someone else’s experience, or not feeling “queer enough”.

“I think I might technically be pansexual. Can I still call myself bisexual?”

While there isn’t enough space in this article to explore the difference, overlap, and nuance of the many identity descriptors out there, I think it is important to acknowledge this. As I stated above, I use the terms, bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, and queer depending on the context. There is overlap between each of these while each expresses a distinctive. Others will find this problematic and/or inaccurate based upon their understanding of these terms.

The fact is that these terms have come to be understood and used differently by different people, in different contexts, and at different times. There is no definitive, final glossary that resolves these differences (and likely never will be). Ultimately, then, we have to trust people to define themselves in terms that they feel are the most accurate, while at the same time not projecting those understandings onto others (and even less so, projecting expectations on others to embrace our understanding).

Does that mean that these terms have absolutely no objective meaning? Of course not. If used inappropriately or significantly inaccurately, we should try to engage in conversation to bring clarity. The Bisexual Umbrella images (see above) are very helpful with that. However, in the end, we cannot decide anything for others and can only embrace that which feels right and true for ourselves.

“I’m in a straight-presenting relationship, so is there any point in coming out?”

If and/or when you decide to come out is entirely up to you. No one gets to decide that except you. Inevitably some will say you “owe it to others to come out”. While your coming out can benefit others in profound ways, that is not for anyone to decide except you. And remember: Coming out is an ongoing process, with stages that take time and discernment. This is a critical foundation upon which to begin answering this question.

It is also important to note that not coming out comes at a price for the vast majority of people who choose not to. The mental health impact of hiding this aspect of yourself has been increasingly shown to do significant harm. Fear, anxiety, and shame can often fester as you end up working harder and harder to keep your secret.

Further, more recent studies have shown that bisexual folks in straight-presenting relationships can face even higher degrees of harmful outcomes. This is, in part, due to how being in a straight-presenting relationship often gives those around you a greater sense of liberty to speak/act in anti-LGBTQ+ ways. Not only is your orientation invisible, but your relationship is also most often assumed to be between two straight people, thus far less likely to be offended by such things.

Just because you are with an opposite-gender partner (or a partner that is presumed to fit that category) does not make you straight. Even though I am married to a woman, I don’t relate to my wife as a straight man. My bisexuality informs all of who I am, therefore is unchanged regardless of who I am in relationship with (or if I am in a relationship at all). By coming out you not only begin to reduce the risk of harm (while acknowledging that there are other risks you take on), you also give your relationship(s) the opportunity to be more authentic.

“Doesn’t being in a straight-presenting relationship mean you have straight privilege?”

This is, perhaps, one of the more controversial topics in this category, largely because there is a fair amount of disagreement among bisexual folks about this. For myself, I reject the notion that being in a straight-presenting relationship means that I have straight privilege (or privilege in general).

In order for me to access this so-called privilege, I am dependent on my wife. It is only with her that I have the benefits people are describing. Unlike my other privilege, such as being white, being a cisgender man, etc., this so-called privilege is not something I can possess independently. As Shiri Eisner says in her book:

“Passing means that bisexuals are completely dependent upon their partners for successful bisexual passing… passing can never be done individually, as it necessitates being seen with other peoples (as ‘passing accessories’).”

This is not to say that I face the same risks as other couples who present as queer. Undeniably, two gay men face much higher risk in public than I do when I am out with my wife. This does not, however, constitute a privilege. I have a black son. How he is treated in public when he is alone is very different than how he is treated when he is out with me, his white father. Yes, there is an added protection, but it is a protection that is both dependent on my whiteness and serves to underline to my son that his value (in others eyes) is linked to his proximity to whiteness. That is not privilege.

Being mindful of privilege is important, especially as we consider these issues intersectionally. Yet equating a straight-presenting relationship as an inherent privilege to bisexual folks merely perpetuates bisexual erasure and the ongoing lie that bisexual folks are not “queer enough”. So, now what?

While I am under no illusion that this article will definitively answer the question, “Am I bisexual?” for everyone who reads it, I do hope it will have helped some of you find greater clarity. And if you have, indeed, come to realize that you are bisexual and want to begin the process of living into that identity, here are some suggestions of where to start.

There are many, many online spaces for bisexual folks- from Facebook groups to TikTok streams. It will take some time to explore them and find what is helpful for you, but it is time well spent. While a simple Google search will be enough to get you started, here are a few sites I find helpful:

bi.org (I have unlinked due to some issues with this site I have been made aware of) Bisexual Resource Center Human Rights Campaign

There are also some good books out there that can help you understand the wonderful, world of bisexuality. Here are just a few:

-Bi: Note from a Bisexual Revolution by Shiri Eisner -Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World by Robyn Ochs -Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out

Also, reach out to openly bisexual people who resonate with you. I get countless emails from all over the world and I love to help connect people to resources, community, and more (as I am able). Find spaces and people. It won’t always be easy- after all, bisexual folks face a lot of discrimination from both the queer community and the straight community. However, compared to the liberty of being who you truly are, it is often a price worth paying.*

I hope you have found this article helpful. Please share with others. Let’s work together to help each other find and embrace a truest, most whole selves.