ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.
This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.
With what? and where? A silverback gorilla is no joke, David would need a shotgun and a will of steel to properly aim and fire at a 400lb monster trying to kill him.
Why didn’t he just shoot the gorilla? Is he stupid?
This is why America needs universal animal control
Like Obamakill.
Don’t victim-blame. Someone you love could be afflicted with the heartbreak of gorilla attacks.
Gorillas are not stupid.
Ive never seen one teaching class
Someone’s never been to Gorilla City.
You’re never going to become master of the Earth without a classical liberal arts education.
That G isn’t teaching class - he’s holding court!
Yeah, but who do you think taught him world domination skills? That can’t be self-taught!
Very true. They didn’t even offer that as an elective in my school :(
With what? and where? A silverback gorilla is no joke, David would need a shotgun and a will of steel to properly aim and fire at a 400lb monster trying to kill him.
Five hundred and twelve. Just saying it makes me quake in fearr. David was such a brave man to face such a force off nature.