I need a male perspective on this.
My husband and I have a healthy sex life, but lately, I’ve been working a lot of grueling night shifts as a pediatric nurse. We’ve committed to helping his sister with her treatment costs, so I’ve been taking on more shifts to contribute.
On Monday, I worked an 8-hour shift that ended at 6 AM. I got home around 6:30, and I’ll admit I wasn’t the quietest since I had to grab my pajamas from outside. I accidentally woke him up, apologized, and got into bed. He was a little annoyed but started initiating. I told him—gently—that I was exhausted, especially since I had just lost an inpatient. But he was clearly frustrated, and he had to be up for work in two hours, so I ended up going along with it.
We talked the next day, and he admitted he’s been feeling frustrated with how often I’ve been turning him down. We used to have sex daily or close to it, but now it’s around four times a week since my schedule changed. He told me that “marital duties” aren’t something you can just neglect based on how you feel in the moment and asked how I would react if he just stopped paying the mortgage because he was “too tired.” (For context, I cover about 45% of it, so it’s not like I’m not contributing financially.)
I get where he’s coming from—he has a high libido, and I know intimacy is important. But I didn’t think saying no when I’m sleep-deprived and emotionally drained was unreasonable. That being said, I’ve seen a lot of men on r/deadbedrooms frustrated with the “I’m tired” excuse, so I’m wondering—do most guys feel this way? Even if a change in circumstances is temporary, does a wife have an obligation to always meet her husband’s needs? What’s actually a “good” reason to say no?
Would really appreciate some honest opinions.
My opinion would just be a rehash of the comments you’ve already gotten, so I’ll spare you that.
Do you have children with this guy? If not, good. He seems to have the outdated idea that you “owe” him sex on demand. It’s especially worrying that he made that mortgage remark the morning after you’d both had time to think (AND after he’d already gotten what he wanted). You’re not his sex slave. He’s conveniently ignoring the fact that you’re tired because you’re working extra shifts to help his sister. I’m guessing that he’d have a similar attitude after expecting you to raise the children all day, which is why I asked if you had children.
What is his parent’s marriage like? Does your father-in-law seem like the dominant one, while your mother-in-law is more passive and submissive? Maybe he just wasn’t raised in an environment where equality mattered.
If you plan on spending the rest of your life with this man, a frank discussion of expectations and boundaries may be uncomfortable, but will ultimately be good for you both.