I tried writing a post explaining why, but it’s just too much, and too many personal details and having to explain things going years back, it’s just to much.
Very very long story short I’m disabled, about to get evicted, and can’t find a suitable place to live and not mentally strong enough to live somewhere unsuitable again becuse it almost killed me the last times I had to. But ike I say, there is a lot more to it that makes it too big a mess to explain.
And I only have a couple of people supporting me and they’re not available and I’m spiralling in to the dark places where this is all heading, and I figured I’d shout in to the void and see if anyone answers back.
It really fucking sucks, doesn’t it.
Faith has never been a strong point of mine (I have this reflexive “cling to hope to remain alive” thing going on, but when I actively think about it I don’t see wher I’m getting that from), but I do have a pet I love that gets me up in the morning, but in recent times even that relationship has been tested as my mental health declines and I have made several attempts unrelated to the housing situation, so yeah, all it would take is slight breeze to push me over the edge and I’m staring at a storm rolling in.
I really do appreciate the sympathetic ear, it’s much easier to discuss these things with strangers, and especially strangers who have been through similar things. Those on the outside of the world of trauma and mental and other illness just don’t understand, and the constant having to justify myself and my actions and my choices on top of everything else just takes so much more energy, but it’s just part of this world where you have to prove your “worth” and suck up to those with the means for survival to get limited access to them at massive cost. The deeper I think about it the angrier I get, which for a while is a good bit of dissociation because big picture is less personal than little picture, but then shit hits the fan and there’s nowhere to hide and I can’t see a way out.
I hate so much that I’m right back in this place, I just want to exist in peace somewhere, not have to go through hell (and so far, back) just to… what? have to do it again in a couple of years? It’s exhausting.
We’re still all very much connected with the whole grass roots thing at the end of the day. Doesn’t really matter to much which side of the spectrum you’re on. It’s just We’re not very good at acknowledging a problem a lot of times I guess but when you’re dealing with delicate matters in the form of mental illness, it all seems to mean a little more by definition as people similar to you and I have to consider these things a bit more. But in any case, I don’t think it’s fair to say that you have more to prove as far as your worth is concerned.
I’ll go far as to say that people that have a little extra to carry sometimes have bigger mental and/or spiritual muscle. It’s just another way to think about it really. We have in a way been shoved off to the side often being alone to think about these things on a much deeper level. We experience pain on a whole new level and often times then not we can… IF we choose to, come to a realization that we are made a bit different and still serve a purpose. Our battles are greater in life than the average person but when we can or when we choose… we are quite useful to others based on our experiences. It feels burdensome but it is empowering at times I believe.
There’s always an opportunity where we often connect better with people who are troubled and actually want to be acknowledged in certain situations where nobody else could offer anything worth-while or wholesome. To the point to where we have influence on someone who can’t seem to grasp an understanding or perhaps they lost there way a little. So we all play a part somehow but it’s left up to us if we can see it when everyone else had missed the mark.
It’s the next morning and the numbness has mostly set in, I predict much dissociation going forward, I honestly don’t know how this week is going to end, let alone what happens next, but if I stop to think about it I will fall apart, so I’m just trying to stick to my routine, which seems absurd, but I can’t manage anything else.
But everything you’ve said is true (though I’d take an ignorant life over a hard but insightful life any day, if I was given a choice), and while right now I can barely help myself, let alone anyone else, this kind of experience does put us in a place to help others later on, just like you’ve helped me here. Only if we survive it though, and that’s the tricky part.
It’s all just so overwhelming.
So, I assume you have already looked in to a lot of local resources in your area for help?
Yanno, help for rent, utilities and even food? It’s a huge gamble but you could even try reaching out to a catholic church for help. I recommend a catholic church over other denominations because they’re a lot more resourceful and way less greedy/judgmental in my experience. I had to get help from a catholic church before. They bought me groceries… even had their own grocery store… I was shocked!
When I was homeless for 20+ years I really had to get creative and even think outside the box. It was of no risk to me because I realized that the “traditional” route to get help was terribly flawed and was much more of an obstacle than a temporary solution. I even received help from some little tiny Baptist church to get into a studio apartment but I probably called every church in my area and they were of no use so I ventured out to other areas. Making a phone call wouldn’t hurt trying in my opinion as long as you’re up for it.
I even used social media such as Facebook to find help for food and clothes and most of my help came from other states… even Canada.
It’s a terrible shame that mostly everyone seems to not care but I found some big hearted people out there still and am thankful.
It’s a hard life for sure and I understand your thoughts on the subject matter but ya keep fighting for your wellbeing and survival.
I know that you mentioned that faith isn’t necessarily a trendy thing for you and we all have our reasons I suppose but maybe you should give it a try as ridiculous as it may seem. I’m not the average church-goer or bible thumper nor am I a great example and my faith may not be as strong as some others but I do know God listens and sometimes he’ll put people in your path to help you and so on.
Asking for help shouldn’t be embarrassing or admitting that you’re weak… quite the opposite really if that’s something you are able to understand.
I come from a broken home. My family didn’t love me or care for me. I walked away at 17 and became homeless. I was terrified and severely hurt mentally. I was angry and I didn’t like people at all. I no longer wanted to be apart of the human experience because it seemed pointless but I gave God a chance. It felt weird to try and reason with someone or some thing I heard about in church or from other people but it was something I needed to know was real because everything else seemed like a fabricated lie. But I found out that God was real though sometimes he seemed to not care much about my situation while other times he totally did and proved his love to me… not in a way that I tricked myself into setting up my own success but it was more of an experience in which really made me consider my creater even more thus giving way to a much stronger relationship even when things were tough.
I know it’s not really fun to articulate and it seems silly to most… even to the ones connected to a church generally doesn’t understand half of what they say they do but as for me, God helped me get through some of the worst times anyone could ever face alone.
Just thought I’d share that with you and I hope I haven’t hurt you by sharing what I did…
You haven’t hurt me at all! Thank you for sharing some of your experience, that sounds rough, but also somewhat familiar (I was kicked out at 19, and only just last night made the realisation that a secure home has never been something I could count on, which is a really crappy realisation to reach). It’s also good to hear how your faith has helped you, we don’t have to believe the same things for me to be able to appreciate that it provides you relief and comfort.
I also appreciate your suggestions, and yes, I have been looking all over for help, the thing is it isn’t lack of money that is my issue, I get full disability benefits from the state, enough to maintain myself, I’m getting evicted because the house I rent is getting sold but I still haven’t found anywhere suitable to go instead and if I don’t leave by next week I will be forced out, so finding help is a bit more of an ask when it’s a place to live I need, rather than food or money (and my disability makes that more complicated too because I can’t just couch surf, and living in a hostel type place like I did the last times I was homeless was so traumatic, I don’t know that I could handle it again). I’m also Jewish, so I’m not sure asking any church for help would do much haha. I have had tremendous help from the Jewish community in the past though, and if it was a money issue, they would have definitely helped like they have before.
I’m waiting to hear back from the person who’s helping me on the legal front about what options I have left, and also from a couple of places to rent that would suit me that I saw today, but I’m wary of getting my hopes up for anything because so far I’ve ended up disappointed every time.
Also, you taking the time to chat with me here is a big help in itself, it might not be practical as such, but it is somewhat helping me stay focused on just today which is probably the best thing for me right now.
Well I certainly hope this whole thing works out for you. I’m very happy to learn that you may have potentially found somewhere to go. Please continue looking and especially if it’s helping you a little.
I’m happy to be here for you. I take advantage of every opportunity to just be there for someone in need bc I remember mostly, not having anyone to help me get through some of the toughest times ever. I really care even though I don’t know you. I can really appreciate your efforts to reach out like you have because many suffer in silence, and some have even left us here to wonder what it would be like for them today if they chose to stick around.
I’ve been through a lot and I truly understand the value of being weak, full of pain and suffering in a way that eventually leads you to fully know what living means. To the point you want to see other people “LIVE” too and I just want people to be alright. It matters to me… especially where I come from and everything God helped me through.
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I’m really really hoping to get some good news about this place I applied for tomorrow, because the rest of the news I got today has been all bad and I’m running out of time fast before I get dragged out of here and thrown on the street. The only thing I can think is that I just can’t go through all that again. I just can’t. I won’t.
Keep me updated if you don’t mind. Looking forward for a good report my internet friend…