A little while ago, I finally come out as trans to my friends. They’ve been wonderful, supportive, and encouraging. They were honestly the whole reason I finally was able to discover myself, especially my GF. But, and here’s the key, I’m in a very delicate living situation, I’m pretty poor, and I can’t reasonably just leave where I am and live somewhere else, not right now at least. Between the world and my rather transphobic family, I’m kind of stuck. I obviously can’t get more feminine clothing, hair, ANY makeup of any sort, or anything I really want to try. I don’t wanna make this a whole sob story or anything, so basically. Does anybody have some advice to FEEL more like a girl?
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Start a skin care or hair care regimen. Skin care for the face, neck, and décolletage can be done inexpensively, try looking up “oil cleansing” (only requires water, washcloth, and olive oil). Get in the habit of putting on body lotion after you shower - scented lotion is a sneaky way to “wear” perfume, too!
Get your ears pierced, and stick with neutral studs for now.
Start using lip balm, particularly in stick form like Chapstick or Blistex. It will keep the skin of your lips healthy and soft and get you used to applying and wearing lip products.
Groom your nails. Keep them cut neatly with the edges filed smooth. Use lotion, olive oil, or cuticle balm on the skin around the nails. Maintaining your nails now will serve you well if you start using polish or growing them longer in the future, too.
I know how you feel. I was in a similar situation not long ago. The things I started with that I loved was shaving. I never used to shave body hair but it’s mostly all gone now. Smooth legs are so nice and a fresh shave is still a reliable way to help with dysphoria for me.
I was lucky that I worked from home during covid during the early days of my transition, so I was able to grow my hair out, as I used to always keep it short. I know you said a fem hair style is probably not an option right now, but if simply growing it out is, then there is lots you can do in the comfort of your home that is easily undoable for when being around others.
And I 100% agree with everything else here so far too. Therapy has been massively important for my journey, and if that’s an option I highly encourage you to seek someone. I was lucky that where I live there were therapists who specialized in gender.
Also, again if possible, find a queer community! I was pretty stagnanted in my transition for a while, until I found an amazing online queer community. Just being able to talk to others like me and be in a new space where they only knew me as who I really am, and not as my dead name, was immensely helpful.
I believe in you! Congrats on coming out to your friends! 🏳️⚧️💖
My friends are pretty gay (affectionate) XD I’m not too good at finding “communities” of any sort, truth be told. I get nervous around big groups and don’t even get me STARTED on Discord. I never know how to get into the groove, since it feels like… No, I feel like I’m an intruder, even when the people are friendly enough. Thankfully, my current friend group is both surprisingly diverse in LGBT representation (me being the newest addition lol) and are incredibly kind. I think the only reason I posted here as opposed to the larger and more active Reddit is because it’s smaller and more… quiet??? I’m not sure how to say it, but I felt okay with posting here.
That’s understandable! I totally get you on the big discord communities. I was very much the same way… Until I found the one I’m on. And even then I felt like I was intruding for a while. I’m really happy you have good representation in your friend group though! 🥰
Maybe you could try something that feels feminine to you that only you would see until you’re in a safer space to be yourself? Maybe really cute pjs that your family wouldn’t see cause you’re alone at night, or undergarments, or something like that?
I did get some cozy bras and panties. I tried them on, felt good, like I was closer to who I wanted to be… and OMG, no one ever told me how SOFFFFTT women’s undies are! I prefer to wear them just because of how comfortable they are, not even counting the whole gendered part of it XD
There are some real great practical suggestions here already, which is wonderful! I’ll add that so much of how we feel about ourselves can really be influenced by how other people see and treat us, and we shouldn’t underestimate that. It’s so good that you’ve got good, supportive friends - asking them to gender you as femme as much as they can can really help and really shift how we think of ourselves, too.
Something that really helped me, too, that took me far too long to learn, was getting comfortable with just playing - with clothes, make-up, hair, anything gendered. We can take it all so seriously, because it’s important to us, but that meant whenever I did something to my appearance and it didn’t turn out exactly how I imagined I felt real stink about it. Actually thinking to myself “I’m just having a play with this and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t turn out right” made a huge difference, and made it way easier for me to keep experimenting!
All of my friends call me by my preferred name and pronouns now. They’ve always been absolute dears, and I didn’t expect them to reject me or anything, but it still means so much when they call me by my new name, or when we’re playing a game like Payday and get downed and hear someone yell “Someone get her, I’ll get the Dozers!!!” XD And yeah, I have been trying to relax and not pressure myself, but I still find myself getting stressed. Hearing someone tell me “it’s okay, you can take it easy.” means a lot, truly. Thank you!
You’re so welcome! Truly - you’ve got all the time in the world to figure it out, and cis women have years and years of getting to play with how they look - you deserve that play, too!
I wore a bra in secret out and about under my boy clothes before I could come out or start hormones.
a really great therapist i had once gave me this advice when i struggled with coming out: “there’s no right way to be trans”. your resources are definitely going to keep you from trying too many new “femme” experiences, but you could try thinking of anything you already know as “femme” and keeping a kind of “bucket list” of things to try and seeing if it resonates with you and understanding how you can feel most comfortable in your own skin and how you express yourself to the world. i know i won’t be too much help here (as i’m transmasc) but i’m sure a lot of our experience is shared, just different (: wishing you all the safety and support 💙
Thank you so much! I’ll see what I can do.
