At age 16, against my normal nature , I’ve asked out my then crush who was my schoolmate.
(In retrospect, it was only sexual attraction, cause her personality was abysmal…)
I say “ask out” but it was one of the childish
“wanna be my gf” sort of thing.
I didn’t have (nor do I have now) “game”.
My only valid pretense for hanging with her , and not actually planning a date, was studying together for tests.
Neverthelesss, the excitement and the rush after she showed interest in me was overwhelming , and I spiraled out of control.
I became clingy , needed and over the top in love.
It all came crashing down when I saw her avoiding me while looking afraid and creeped out.
That face is burned into my retina, and all I can think about when I even think about stepping into that arena again.
I’m 31 now, still painfully alone - but with the added bonus of feeling like expired milk and overrun with anxiety and depression.
I’m telling myself again and again that I’m doing the best with the cards I’ve been dealt with , and partnership or intimacy is just not one of those cards.
I try to keep busy and focus on work - because one moment of boredom sends me to a variety of really dark places.
I know that some day the pattern of eat-sleep-job-repeat won’t be enough, but I’m repressing that thought like hell right now.
Thank you guys for creating this sub BTW, much needed.
Man I did the same thing with a girl in middle school. Small town and grew up super Christian so I was very much in the mindset of “meet someone and latch onto them forever.”
I was so weird and creepy to that girl. I cringed about it for a couple years and just powered through it in high school. Hated how I treated that girl, who I had nothing in common with and had zero interest in in high school. That self hatred in that moment I find healthy, because I NEVER treated another woman like that again, and did quite well romantically after that as a result of the new rules I set for my brain.
There is a use for shame and humility, learn from your mistakes and push forward. You might be a secret Casanova bro. Women love a man who has learned to not be like that. You can do it. Change isn’t easy, but you already know what not to do. USE THAT. Women appreciate that.
Don’t give up because of your age either. Lots of my friends in their 30’s are single and still have no problem dating. Lots of fish in the sea nowadays.
When I was 16, I wrote an entire fucking novel (literally) for a girl I had a crush on. I would write 5 pages or so a day and slip them into her locker. She was actually also a friend of mine and she thought it was weird but charming. Once I finished the book I didn’t tell her it was me until the last time we saw each other, on graduation day. So fucking cringe haha. She asked why I never said anything and that she would have gone out with me if I had asked. I didn’t know what to say and just said good luck in college and scampered off. My god. Looking back at that makes me turn red still. I still have that novel in a binder somewhere around here.
Bro this hurts to read. You went 99% in on a very cringe strategy and if you’d gone 1 step further you would have gone out with her.
I have had many relationships since, and have four kids. So it’s not so bad.
Not a therapist, but I feel like you’re beating yourself up for a completely normal experience with teenage romance. Hormones can be a dick and make you do stupid things. The important thing is that you recognized where you crossed the line.
How do you feel about your social life?
Just know that you are not alone.
You need to start looking towards the good things in your life. As a bridge, pick up a hobby to keep yourself occupied and to keep yourself going. Once you start to see the good in yourself and value yourself you’ll start to give off that energy. Keep going and you’ll find someone that values you, and that judgmental look burned into your retina will eventually be a thing of the past.
I understand that though, that fear that people think you’re creepy or unappealing. If it helps any, most of the time that isn’t the case, it’s just how you see yourself. I find that working out helps improve that internal image in myself, maybe it’ll do the same for you.
I hope that you gleam some useful information from this. 😅
Ouch. I can kinda relate.
I’ve also been single for years, Just haven’t been able to get involved again, quietly living my life.
Depression doesn’t help.
I do want to get out there again, but it actually takes me years to feel comfortable enough to get into a relationship.
You really need to seek help from a professional on this. You’re not doomed to keep living this way. You aren’t spoiled milk.
Men tend to come into their own in their 30s. We start to hit our stride in our careers. We start to be more socially mature.
A woman’s sexual value is at its peak when they are young adults. It’s when they are the most fertile, and when they are most attractive to the average man. Men are attractive on a different set of metrics. Physical attractiveness matters, but maturity, financial success, and social acumen are something we are uniquely judged on. The latter three attributes we understandably are lacking in during early adulthood.
You’re in the prime of your life. Hit the gym, get some nice clothes, learn how to cook a few decent meals, and hit the dating scene. The only thing standing in your way is the trauma of past failure, and your fear of future mistakes.
You and I are in a similar boat. I’m 31 as well and I fell head over heels for my best friends cousin 11 years ago. Due to long distance we couldn’t be together, but I didn’t want to give up that easily. Long story short I haven’t spoken or seen her in 7 years, but shes on my mind 24/7 and I can’t shake her out.
I haven’t really tried dating since. Mostly because of self-esteem issues and trust issues and thinking that every woman can do better and not waste their time and effort me.
Sorry for the small rant. I just wanted to say you’re not alone and you can get through it!
