So I recently started to recognize a lot of the behaviors associated with ADHD. I was and still am in doubt whether I have ADHD or not, but some specific events caused me to ask my doctor to refer me for a diagnosis. I was actually doing quite OK-ish this year, after having struggled with self-worth, short depressive episodes and mild trauma in the recent past. But I noticed that I started to have trouble focusing again as the newness wore off after my career change. And I got called out by my friends for “acting ADHD”. Which did not sound unusual at all.

So I got the referral, went through the intake with shrink 1, did an adult ADHD diagnosis with shrink 2. The diagnosis involved me and my mom answering questions about the presence of ADHD symptoms now and in my early childhood (5-12 yo). Basically, now I do have almost all of the characteristics, though they often are erratic (no problems studying, huge difficulties with household tasks, work productivity varies orders of magnitude day to day) and often not noticed by others (my average productivity in a month is great, though many days I feel shit due to not being able to do what I am supposed to).

In childhood, no symptoms were found. Zero. Partly because everyone in my family is forgetful and mom picks up stuff after everyone all the time, I was constantly reminded/pushed/supported and did not really have the opportunity to forget things (though I still did) and partly because like now, many of these things happen in my head and are not noticeable in the averages that others see. Except when I’m talking too much and interrupting people but I guess thats acceptable when children do it.

Maybe I don’t have ADHD. Maybe it’s something else. Maybe the shrink misunderstood me.

But I feel shit right now. The title is what I had pre-planned to say to people about the outcome and if they say again “don’t act so ADHD”. I can say it with a laugh and everyone thinks I’m funny and quirky.

But the truth is, I feel misunderstood. I feel like a failure for having fallen into an ADHD phenotype even though I am hugely privileged and have none of the baggage so many people here do. No childhood trauma, no school/grades problems, no poverty.

I can’t help but feel that my behavior is my fault, as is wasting health professionals time, who could have helped someone who actually needed it. Shrink 1 is on “long-term sick leave” now. She got stressed by me clicking things constantly during the (remote) interviews. Another thing to feel guilty about.

Best case now is that they diagnose me with some sort of anxiety disorder now. I have been reading a book on autism that I found and it somewhat satisfies my yearning for closure and community in what the author finds, but it also makes it extra painful that I don’t have that.

I don’t have ADHD, I just am super annoying. And I need to deal with that and it’s not actually all that funny.

I’m sorry for the wall of text. Thanks for sharing your stories and memes and goodbye!

  • QualifiedKitten@kbin.social
    5·
    9 months ago

    As I read other people’s comments, my diagnosis experience seems somewhat unique. I may be misremembering the exact sequence of events, but I’ll try my best.

    As a young kid, I did okay in school. My report cards often noted that I did really well on the tests, but I often forgot to do my homework, and since homework was a large portion of the grade, I had lots of Bs and Cs. On the standardized testing we did each year, I’d score well above my grade level on everything except the listening portion, which was just average. In junior year of high school, I made it a point to have no missing assignments. Even if I didn’t finish my homework, I’d still turn something in, and suddenly I had straight As.

    Around the time I was 18, I began trying a variety of antidepressants, mostly SSRIs.

    I was probably 20 years old when my parents suggested that I see “Dr. Feel Good”. In their experience, he handed out prescriptions like candy, so he’d probably give me whatever I asked for. When I went to him and explained my struggles and how I felt they were indicative of ADHD, he told me that I couldn’t possibly have ADHD since people with ADHD don’t get depressed. I think he did end up giving me a 30 day prescription though, and suggested I find a more specialized doctor.

    I think it was after that that I began seeing a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist again put me on an SSRI, I think Zoloft. I took it for a while, but eventually got fed up and just stopped taking it. I think it was when I told him that I stopped taking it that he finally gave me a prescription for Adderall. Or maybe my time with him overlapped with the next paragraph.

    Somewhere around that same time, I had dropped out of university and decided to take classes at the local community college while I figured things out. Somehow, I learned that the community college offered learning disability testing, so I signed up. From what I remembered, I did really well on everything except (surprise, surprise) the listening portion. I was told that my results indicated that I have an “auditory processing deficit”. I eventually wound up taking the test results to a new psychiatrist, and they put me on Adderall right away.

    Honestly, I’m still not totally sure if I’m “officially” diagnosed as ADHD, but I’ve moved around a bit and changed doctors a few times, and 15ish years later, I’m still getting ADHD meds.

    All this is to say that there’s lots of doctors out there that won’t take you seriously, and/or have outdated understanding of mental health, so whether or not you have ADHD or anything else, don’t give up until you find a solution that works for you.