= Eleanor (yes that's my real name)

== Overview
* Born 1997
* Female
* Has had romantic partners, but never for long, and never was close with them
* Has friends and family, but cannot talk to them or rely on them for help _(reciprocal)_

== Strengths/Virtues
* Always helps out with anything at all when she knows how _(see *Weaknesses/Flaws*)_
* Highly intelligent re. mathematics, physics
* Generally speaking, can provide emotional support without making a situation worse
* Clarity of thought: in most situations knows why she thinks and feels what she does

== Weaknesses/Flaws
* Has no coherent sense of self
* Rarely knows what the right thing to do is
* Rarely knows what emotion she's feeling as she's feeling it
* Incapable of acting when she has responsibility
* Over-relies on others for emotional support
* Never listens to criticism: either ignores it or ceases to function entirely
* Never listens to praise: shuts down until it stops

== Beliefs
* Her existence is unjustified: she is incapable of earning the space she takes up
* She should not be trusted with any responsibility of any kind
* People do good for no reason, but need a reason to do something they believe is bad
* _(strong)_ Souls are not real: human consciousness is nothing more or less than an emergent feature of electrical connections, which does not persist beyond the function of the brain

== Values
* *Transparency*: the truth of a situation should always be obvious to those in it
* *Understanding* _(strong)_: knowing the underlying principle of a thing is always better than not
* *Empathy/Flexibility* _(hypocritical)_: the expectations on and rules applied to each person must depend on their individual circumstances and (in)capabilities

== Ethical Framework
* Deontological: does not consider her actions individually, but as if everyone did them
* Considers situations with different particulars to warrant different rules
** _(defense)_ Does not consider intention as a particular, only information and action
* _(defense)_ Everyone being miserable because they never look after themselves is considered an unacceptable outcome
* _(defense)_ Everyone being miserable because they stick to rigid rules all the time is considered an unacceptable outcome

== Desires
* _(impossible: psychological)_ A social environment where she is accepted as she is without a mask, and she is not worried everyone will turn on her
* A stable, independent existence, that is not dependent on any personal relationship
* Cessation of mind

== Fears
* Making people's lives/experience worse
* Driving people away
* _(phobia, intense)_ Spiders

== Anxieties
* Everyone who says they like her is only pretending
** _(sometimes)_ They weren't at first, but now they're sick of her
* She's a net negative to everyone she knows
** _(therefore)_ The best thing she can do for them is leave them alone
* She does not deserve to live
** _(dilemma, personal experience)_ Dying also inflicts pain on others
** _(deflection)_ She was and remains a freak accident
* Young children, babies, pregnancy etc.
** Believes she would be unable to cope (correct), yet forces herself to (try and fail to) empathise
** Cannot fit herself into a picture in which people are under such stress and responsibility
** Feels guilt over causing said stress herself, then failing to make up for it
  • linja@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
    2·
    3 months ago

    You do have a point. Maybe that’s why the Door exists: sometimes, humans simply outdo demons.

    Yes, I have noticed. One is a conclusion I’ve come to, the other is…hardwired, I think. That’s how it feels anyway.

    I was receiving regular therapy until around two months ago. Practitioner said she couldn’t help me anymore, gave me a list of others; interacting with new people at all has been near impossible lately, much less rehashing my entire life and situation.

    I have the feeling the problem is deeper than psychology: my brain might be physically malfunctioning in some way. I mean, if I’m as self-aware as I am but still can’t shift some obviously wrong beliefs, those beliefs must be “bolted down”, so to speak. Does that make sense?

      • linja@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
        2·
        3 months ago

        But what medication? I’m on several. I’d need to know what’s going on before I know the right meds. I’m seeing my GP in two days, hoping she has any idea what could be happening.

        • Okokimup@lemmy.worldEnglish
          1·
          3 months ago

          Yeah, human bodies/brains are so varied it’s difficult to find the right meds. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your health and finding your own good place.