Okay I just read this back like 5 minutes later and I’m completely delusional, I just described what being trans is, lol nevermind
Okay I just read this back like 5 minutes later and I’m completely delusional, I just described what being trans is, lol nevermind
I touched on this in another thread but wanted to share here.
Unlike most trans people I’ve met, I am of the belief that I am here now, living life as a stealth trans woman, as a direct result of my environment, not because of some internal gender that was always there. I am convinced that if I wasn’t relentlessly bullied, harassed, degraded, beaten, and rejected by my peers as a child (due mostly to racism and homophobia) I would not have even thought to transition. I feel as if I consciously decided to become a woman at my lowest point, 4 years ago, simply as a way to kill the broken, unloved and unlovable husk of a person with no childhood, and no hope for the future and become someone, anyone, else. I dipped my toes in the water of experimenting with my presentation, and I was surprised by how easily I was able to pass, which only fueled my desire to transition solely as a way to save my life, which simply could not have continued as the broken “man” I was. I was on the brink but I saw a way out.
I started doing everything in my power to dress fasionably and femininely, went crazy hard on voice training, researched all I could on DIY hrt and how to source it, in an effort to pass at all costs. It was working shockingly well, and in a few months, long before I had even self identified as a women, I was passing as a women, very consistently, and for the first time in my life, I was able to be okay. I was able to feel confident in myself, express myself, not hate everything about me, because I wasn’t me anymore, I wasnt that broken THING I left behind, I could start over, and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Living this way, passing as a woman while still secretly identifying as a man in my own head, slowly but surely over the course of a year, my internal gender literally changed into that of a woman, and one day, I actually, truly belived it with every fiber of my being, long after the world arround me did. It’s funny looking back, and a bit embarrassing, but after all that, 4 years later I am more sure that I am a woman than literally anything else about me, despite my recollection of events, and am positive that transitioning not only saved my life, but finally allowed me to enjoy it. However, I am almost positive that had my childhood been full of love, acceptance, and happiness, I would have never even considered transitioning. It very well could be the case that I am simply rationalizing away my “inherent transness” but that’s just my current take on it. Anayws, just felt like I wanted to get that off my chest and maybe hear the thoughts of other trans people on that whole ordeal…
I guess I am rather unique in my experience of transness in that I started living full time (and even passing) as a woman before I even self identified as one. The thing is, lifing as a women for aabout a year literally changed my internal sence of gender, I wanted it to happen and I made it happen. Maybe that’s just me rationalizing my inherent “transness” but that’s my recollection of events.
I’m somebody who absolutely does think I am trans purely by life circumstances, but I also recognize that the vast majority of trans people aren’t. Like I am incredibly glad that I transitioned and am now living life mostly stealth as a woman, years down the line, but I’m almost positive that if I wasn’t put through literal hell as a child (in the very cruel and specific ways that I was) I wouldn’t have even thought to have transitioned as a young adult. Perhaps I am completely incorrect in my assumptions about myself, and I would have turned out this way no matter what, but I find it hard to believe that if I wasn’t relentlessly bullied, harassed, beaten, and rejected by my peers as a child, that I would be sitting here now as a woman. I feel like I literally became a woman by sheer force of will in order to save my life, because I literally could not continue as the broken husk of a “man” I was at 21, and by some miracle it worked. But maybe I’m just delusional, idk
Based on real Japanese history. GIANT ENEMY CRAB. 599 us dollars.
Wah wah
Where were you, when you find out you are trotskyist
Bro I can’t even get free bottom surgery and I’m a citizen, what the fuck are they even talking about
Goodnight guys, I’m really sleepy in real life and it’s been a long day, my circadian rhythm is telling me, now is the time to rest, due to it being night time here in my part of the world
Yeah, I’m a gamer, what are ya gunna do about it? Ban me for gaming? Huh, we truly are the most oppressed minority.
What
Thinking about getting my first tattoo… I have had this idea for what I want for years now (a silly dark souls 2 message saying “Don’t give up, skeleton!” [The comma is important!!] below a skeleton resting against a wall with its mouth agape in a comical way, lol) but Im still afraid I’m gunna instantly regret it cuz it’s a stupid idea… XD
If you want to take E for 4 years and get zero boobs garrenteed, just be me :)
IKR! I never really do in-game romances cuz I mostly find them cringe, and in most character driven modern RPGs that means you just worn get the in depth content for the characters or build your relationships with them much at all, but the non romantic friendships (especially Karlach) just go so hard. Another reason why that game rocks.
Penits
Yes, to all your questions, lol
If you look back at my post history I made one of the threads during the Vegan debocle and it’s still up if you wanna do some struggle session archeology. It’s still crazy to me that we didn’t win that one and we are just at a permanate cease fire like it’s the DMZ.
Forced? Only by myself, as I thought it was the only way to keep living, though maybe that’s just proof that I am trans, and I simply constructed a bunch of mental hoops to jump through due to internalized transphobia?