LeylaLove [she/her, love/loves]

  • 85 Posts
  • 557 Comments
Joined 1 year ago
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Cake day: August 18th, 2023

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  • CW: Eating disorder, dysphoria, alcoholism

    Things were really going well until I had to eat today. No drinking, no serious cravings, worked all day so I was distracted, it was great. I’ve been on a really good streak recently, I haven’t even started Naltrexone yet and I’m feeling good on that. I didn’t eat yesterday and I didn’t really want to eat tonight but I made myself eat so of course I ate way too much and feel guilty about it. It makes me feel dysphoric too because like oh am I not worth transitioning for? I feel like I’ve gotten worse looking everyday in my transition, and much of it is my fault. Cig stains on my teeth, shitty skin from a few years of drinking and generally being malnourished yet bloated because of my vices

    When I’m not sober, I am passively bullemic, no thought goes into it, but I’m vomiting all the time and eating too much, or not eating at all depending on the day. I was just like that. Now I still have to fight those habits except there’s intent behind them now. Now instead of not eating because I forgot, I don’t eat because I don’t want to. Now instead of just naturally binging, I do it in response to stress. Maybe I was always like this and just forgot who I really was before I ever started drinking.










  • I was posting on chapo as a teen while I was somewhat of a lib but had read a decent amount of theory. Tried chapo.chat back in the day, but it just wasn’t active enough for my tastes at the time. Ended up staying on Reddit for a while after the ban, fully internalized the theory after a few years without realizing it. Left Reddit during the whole third party app debacle and ended up on Blahaj zone. When I saw the Hexbear comments on there, I knew I had to come over now because it felt like the libs over there just became completely unhinged after Ukraine.