Yeah that was my experience, crying myself to sleep as I could feel the testosterone poisoning my body. Not having the words to say what’s going on. Not knowing what would happen even if I could figure out what to say, but knowing it wouldn’t be good.

Little dream Amber was aspirational, though.

So she’s bi, and probably she/they agender.

On the sexuality side, she thinks that homosexuality is immoral because certain Bible verses seem to condemn it (she would word that much more strongly), so she’d be much happier if I was content to transition to he/they feminine man. I, on the other hand, would love to jump straight from hiding behind my he/him masc to living she/her full time, the transition itself and being visibly trans scares me.

On the gender side, she feels that her soul isn’t gendered, that she’d feel equally at home in a male body, and feels that if I’m a woman because I feel like a woman, she can’t be a woman because her genderless soul happened to be poured into a woman. I told her she’s allowed to be a woman for different reasons than I’m a woman, and she didn’t like that. I told her I would happily use they/them pronouns and had no issues perceiving her as genderless, but she didn’t want that, either.

So yeah we are cracking all this open and we pick up one tiny piece of this mess and chew on it and discuss it for like a week, decide we can’t agree, put it back down and try a different piece.

We are seeing a therapist next month, but Christian therapists who specialize in gender issues are really really rare, so it’s a one time consultation instead of someone we can go back to.

I just finished coming out this week to everyone who matters, personally and face to face, so I feel like I’m in a good place to go through this list

So to start I’d rate myself a 2 because of some internalized transphobia/homophobia from my conservative Christian upbringing.

My wife is a 3, she sees and loves the real me and is incredibly supportive up to a point and then not supportive at all. She’s taken me shopping and helped me pick a purse, takes time out of her busy life to help me with laser hair removal in places I can’t reach, is teaching me girl things like what to do with my long hair and painted nails… But then she won’t call me by my chosen name and pronouns. I haven’t asked her to, because she thinks she’d be lying to me. We are working on it, we’re going to make it work.

My siblings and parents (and in-laws) range from a 1 to a 5, from Bible thumping to complete affirmation.

My gay friends are all a 1, but they don’t understand that I’m still a Christian and hate that part of me.

I think “accepting as Trans/accepting as Christian” is the same scale, inverted. Those who accept my transness don’t accept my Christianity, and vice versa.

Trying to convince both sides of this culture war that reconciliation is possible and good and right, and that I, the Transbian Christian, should be allowed to exist in both camps at once… It’s exhausting. Why must existing itself be so hard.

I dream of a world in which this civil rights movement has been won, and people on both sides (and in the middle) look back at us today and say “what a bunch of bigots we all were”

When I was a kid my first puppy love crush was on a Sunday school teacher named Amber. And the name stuck with me. I met a second Amber in highschool and she was pure gender envy. I’ve used it online for my “pretend I’m a girl online” name many times, and if I had daughters instead of sons there’s a possibility one of them would have ended up with the name. But a couple people have started calling me Amber to my face and it’s the best thing ever.

Well, sometimes my oldest calls me Mom, just accidentally/out of habit, and it doesn’t feel any better than Dad. So I don’t think my dysphoria requires Mom, and it’ll be easier for the kiddos as they won’t have to adapt. We’ve been trying to chip at the gender norms and see what fits and what doesn’t, as the wife and I are working this out. She/her/husband/dad might be where we end up so everyone can feel comfortable about where we are as a family.

Yeah, my brother is one of the pastors at our church, and I came out to him on Easter, so this conversation has already started. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my church, I’m afraid I’ll have to find a place that doesn’t assume they have all the answers. But a “long and painful journey” has been my life so far, and both my wife and I are determined to make this work. This is progress, we are headed in the right direction, in the same direction. Feels good.

I came out to my family yesterday, at an Easter thing. That was tough but woof that’s a load off. Now I can boymode less around them!

I was going to come out during the super bowl party my sister was holding, because a quorum of my family was going to be there. Next opportunity is an Easter party my sister is holding, which is in one week from today. So I’m excited/nervous/trying to figure out what I’m going to say.

Won’t someone please think of the poor multi-billion-dollar company! The losses for them and their poor multi-billion-dollar shareholders!

How does one get a therapist? That’s not something I usually think about.

Thanks for the girl talk. That helps a ton. I especially like the idea of wearing what I normally wear, but girl. I’ll look into some pants, blouses, and sweaters cut for ladies, and see about a bra and maybe some falsies. After that I’ll have to bite the bullet and get some makeup and look in the mirror. I’ve always known what I am, so I’ve leaned pretty hard into the GNC, so I’ve already been painting my nails for a while, and it does give such gender euphoria.

I’ve been using a little laser I bought on Amazon for the last couple of weeks, I think it’s working. Afraid to point it at my face, so I might get that done professionally. Got myself prescriptions for hair loss, we’ll see what happens there.

I got a sugar scrub, is that a good skincare routine? I honestly know nothing about that.

I have one friend who calls me Amber, I’m still kinda closeted to everyone else. I was planning on coming out to my family at the super bowl party at my sister’s house, but we got sick.

HRT is… So I’m married, my wife and I have kids. I’m tied down. I’ve been open and honest about all this with the wife (eventually) and she’s let me know where she is. The current compromise is that I can go full femboy, she has no moral issue with that. She draws the line at HRT. We are Christians, but I’m definitely more liberal and egalitarian than she is, I kinda have to be to exist at all as a trans Christian. I see nothing wrong with being in a homosexual relationships, she does. She’s bi, and maybe agender, but feels she has to suppress it. We’re working through it. Every time I mention this online, people are like “break up with her!” and the answer to that is no. We truly love each other and are going to make this work. I knew when I got married in a conservative church that I would probably never get to transition, I made that choice and I’m going to stick with her. Going “full femboy,” as she put it, is further than I ever thought I’d get to go, and I’m going to take full advantage of that. I’m hoping that when she sees how happy every step of this journey is making me, she’ll eventually call me by my real name and be ok with HRT. We’ll see, but I’m not getting my hopes up.

How did it go?

7

I’ll take the purple challenge, I’m already good on the others.

Closeted transbian, so: very gay, but currently in a straight-passing relationship. My girlfriend is bi, so maybe one day we can be gay instead of pretending to be straight.