amy_jmayday [she/her]

hate when i’m waiting for my meds to get delivered, gives me like a creeping undergrowth of anxiety constantly prodding at the back of my brain. i’ve been diy for long enough now i know they’ll get here, i know i’m not gonna run out, but every time i take my meds i’m like compulsively counting pills and it’s like there’s a blaring countdown playing in my head - " 13 12 11 10 days until your soul gets ripped out again." really gotta get a pcp again, even just dealing with this once every few months is too much.

rediscovering the joy of model making (accidentally knifing myself when my hand slips while struggling to do a conversion i thought was gonna be fun and easy)

don’t worry the glue on my fingers sealed the cut up immediately -_-;

family’s christmas party was today. it went really well! i had been very nervous, the last time we had gotten together my mother had a lot of trouble with my name and misgendering, but we had A Talk about it and she really seems to have taken it to heart and didn’t deadname or misgender me once today! i also got to give my sister’s wonderful cats many pets. seems i was nervous for nothing o_o;

i’ve only been here for like a week so it’d be ridiculous for me to expect to already feel or be ingrained in the space… but i definitely feel the not really knowing how to proceed. both off and online social bonds and connections always just kinda happened around me, i kinda just got pulled in by proximity, so i also don’t really feel i ever got those skills of building new bonds. the reason i’m here is because i don’t really have community elsewhere in a time where i really need it. i never ever really did reddit or tumblr or anywhere else so the ecosystem as a whole is kinda foreign to me, or what i’m even expecting here. i just kinda post and hope i’m maybe helpful or not interrupting and maybe i won’t eternally exude that I’m New Here o_o;

idk if i have a point… maybe like, not really understanding where or how to fit in in a space, even if your brain is maybe like “you should belong and feel safe in this space,” isn’t a crazy feeling? it’s an okay feeling to have?

idk if that’s helpful or even cogent at all… feeling like a drifting rando solidarity i guess? o_o;

so i’ve got a friend who is, ostensibly, a cis het dude who’s been making seemingly joking claims to transness and queerness for years now and i’m not certain how i feel about it or what to do about it?

i’ve had open and frank discussions with him about transness in the past; he’s the token cis het in our circle of otherwise entirely queer late bloomers which had at times made him wonder if he may not actually be cis, and i told him that if he wanted or needed to experiment with things like names or pronouns to figure some stuff out we’d be more than happy to be the space where he could do that but he never took us up on the offer.

we’ve also had conversations about his sexuality; his last long term partner was enby who has taken steps of masc social transition. they were not out when the two started their relationship and got married, so he wasn’t certain if this meant he was still straight. i told him at the time he had claim to queerness if he wanted it, but when the cards are on the table he’s always said he’s het and he always consistently referred to his partner as his wife even after they came out (they were okay with it at the time).

at first i was fine with his joking claims to queerness, like haha yeah it’s kinda funny that you’re the only one of us who didn’t turn out to be queer, but after splitting with his ex he’s been showing his whole ass on internalized transphobia and misogyny in other ways and now the jokes just piss me off. having him be like “bUt WhAt iF i’M nOt” every time it’s brought up that he’s cis or het is just fucking exhausting.

i don’t wanna gatekeep because i know he’s questioned before and a lot of people i know (myself included) didn’t figure out their transness or their sexuality until adulthood, but every time it comes up i just wanna yell at him to shit or get off the pot dude.

am i treating him with kids’ gloves? should i be bringing down the fucking hammer? idfk. i’ll probably just slowly cut him out.

i’ve broken down during voice, too … i think it’s normal? at least normal enough that my instructor basically has a speech about how “it’s okay to break down” that i’ve heard a couple times now.

i wish there was a good way to help. i know it doesn’t always feel like it, but you’re not alone