I remember reading once that if your device is on the same Apple id then it should connect without having to open the phone hotspot settings screen, however I’m not sure how you wouldn’t have the issue when connecting from say your wife’s which most likely is a separate Apple ID.

With my iPad I can connect to my iPhone hotspot anytime without touching the phone. But everything else requires me to open the hotspot screen first until connected. Just curious if you’re using another Apple device logged into the same account or not.