So, funny story, I had my foreskin mummified the other day. Have you guys seen it? I smeared some pineapple cotton candy mixed with motor oil on it…accidentally.

Good thing I opted out of the annual Caterpillar house destruction tests when I got my Caterpillar themed safety boots. I can just hear the regerts of so many people who didn’t fill out the opt out form and then mailed it back. Didn’t they read? Every year they pick 10 houses and bulldozer them. That’s it. There was no building back nothing. I bet that’s what help people.

Used for the photo. Also, he’s not brand new. The new ones cry a lot.

I tried. It got worse because there was a crack in the plastic. Now I got Windows on my desk and it’s spilling on the floor. Scotch tape won’t hold much longer!

You missed again! Now I gotta clean all thus percentage off my eyeball!

That’s an entire 67.4% higher than my penetration rate percentage.

Unless you got a baby. Like you need to be in an accident that will take 9 months to conclude…say you’re the only female astronaut going to the space station for a weekend on a Boeing starliner spacecraft but it starts leaking helium. What would you do if you suddenly needed to pay for inter spacial health care but open enrollment was a month ago? I don’t known what, but I’d start gathering tungsten parts from around the craft and I’d take some spacewalks at strategic times to loose said parts straight on to -toss has censored this part- and the car would roll down the hill in American movie style and we’d be laughing! Wait what about a baby! You could get pregnant in space and then you could sign up!..the baby, not you.

I Wonder if I’m allowed to say things without actually meaning. I mean you guys are right. But if Google’s ponzi tzar got united health cared, I would do a little dance in the kitchen before getting my rice crispy milk from the fridge. I assume that we are allowed to have good will thoughts as well as I’ll will thoughts. Is thinking still allowed and can we say “fuck Google” in more meaningful ways? Like “I hope your flight leaves early asshole!” Or phrases with a little more sharpness like " I hope your company spirals into nothingness soon!" But now I’m afraid to express my displeasure.

Will United Healthcare cover dildos if they are for medicinal purposes?

That’s an easy 6 billion profit! Just pick them up in an ambulance and have them overnight for an upset stomach ulcer.

Sales tax: yes that’ll be 11% thanks!

Police: Here’s 10, thousand dollars! Thanks for the tip!

The fed: oh I see you made some extra money, Here’s your entire one thousand dollars after tax!

Ah OK almost as good.

Imagine those VPNs just burning porn thru the cables. Imagine the size of their blue balls just waiting for a chance to see maybe some cleavage at church!

I see a couple of brewing bottles, what do you brew?

Gotta pay the Microsoft tax.

We want public healthcare. This act of violins highlights the anger we feel. It doesn’t bring us closer to a solution. But imagine the roles swapped. We continuously live in fear of getting sick and then going bankrupt and homeless because of it. But what about from the other side…imagine a wolf in a house eating his sheep dinner. Imagine that asshole dancing around and humping several wolfority mates every night having the time of it’s miserable life…and suddenly that wolf peaks at the window and has a sudden realization… Sudden because he suddenly opened the window. It realizes that there’s nothing but sheep outside, all looking at him thru the window. Goes up to the roof top and observes himself surrounded by million upon millions of sheep all looking directly at him. The wolf sees one fellow wolf nearby as the sheep trample him. The wolf listens to his friend’s bones crackling into mush. So just close the blinds and have another sheep from the fridge? Or maybe address the impending problem?

Yeah but not instantly. It would drag you around the road grinding your meats and bones into a nice pasty consistency.

Oh, your monthly fee is due.

Totally fine if we didn’t have to pay them for healthcare. Its a bit like California home insurance… Fire burnt down your house? Sorry bro, its not that kind of insurance! This is driving insurance for your house! You house wasn’t driving at the time it burnt was it?