Please read post for full context; any help or input is appreciated! I disclosed sensitive info to a close female coworker (let’s say Ann), who is best friends with the male coworker mentioned (Ned). I’m sure she told him, but then they both seemed to want me to still tell him directly. I did because I believe in doing the right thing, and Ann also was a huge help for something relating to my info, even though I strongly did not want this secret to spread. Ned kept it secret; however, I detest how he started feeling like he had the upper hand and could manipulate me like a puppet to do stupid intern shit for him like repeatedly printing files, including evenings and even attempted to reach me on the weekend by text. I ignored and replied from my work email the next Monday. I could see in his eyes that he had romantic thoughts about me which is largely what made all of this sickening. Ann also went behind my back to tell my private business to one of our other coworkers, who is extremely judgmental and tough on people, and even he did not exploit it - leading us to actually become much closer and respect each other.
What pissed me off the most was when Ned - and Ann - ganged up and tried coercing me into letting him drop me off at home on a Saturday night after I reluctantly made sacrifices in my schedule to meet with them two - choosing to ignore my multiple clear “NO” about the ride as I preferred public transportation. I was having a panic attack in his car while they just relentlessly and repeatedly egged me on, thinking they could break me. They finally let up after going back and forth, and I went home by public transpo.
Ned went to a different team so we didn’t talk for months. I then updated everyone in a mass email about my leaving the overall group, and that’s when he called. Again, he waited until evening - after work hours - to call me. I instantly feel disgusted as it took me back to that traumatic experience. Why can’t he just get the hint and drop it? I did not reach out to him directly to update him, even though it is related to the original sensitive info, because I do not want to talk or encourage anything! I do not want to keep in touch with someone who completely disregarded my preferences and basically nearly kidnapped me. I have no interest in him platonically, romantically, or professionally. Should I call back, text, email from my soon-to-expire work address, email from my personal address, or ignore him? I’m afraid it’ll still bug me if I ignore. I also want to be on good terms with Ann (she has some connections where I’m heading to and I fear she’ll retaliate), even if she doesn’t understand what went wrong and no one has apologized since that incident.
Report it to HR and ignore both of them, or if you really feel a need to make an effort to communicate with either of them, respond from your professional email and say, “I would prefer if we keep our interactions professional” and leave it at that.
If that’s not enough of a hint for them, you definitely need to escalate with HR.
HR and a lawyer.
Thank you so much for your advice. I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to come back to this post but there have been recent developments and not good ones. I like your advice to reply from my work email address and ultimately did so. Thankfully he ignored, and then I left the firm, thinking that was it. I did meet with Ann since I kept delaying a proper thank you and felt she still deserved that for helping me out. I briefly mentioned that in an ideal world, I would’ve had calls with more people before leaving, and that in reality I wanted to keep it very low-key so it was unnecessary for people to keep reaching out especially when I wasn’t even that close to them. She immediately took this as some sort of reference that it was ok for Ned specifically to call me AGAIN and I know she blabbed every detail to him as well as the other tough coworker in my post (let’s say Al). She asked if I called Al before leaving and I said yes and did that due to: 1) Al respectfully and explicitly suggested it well in advance, 2) I like and respect him, 3) we were working on the same project - none of which I can say about Ned. So Ned not only called me in the morning the next day which is a holiday - he had the audacity to FaceTime me. And why the fuck is he not sending a text or email at all? Why the fuck does he think he can just call out of the blue, especially after I have left the firm and have given the cold shoulder multiple times? The reason this is bothering me so much is that I want to be on good terms in case I go back to that line of work at some point. And they are all a toxic as shit package deal - Ned complains to Ann who spreads the word to all their little sycophants including this previous member of the group who left before me but is very well-connected and I fear she will snitch on me to a potential future company in the same profession. What should I do now? It is causing me anguish and I want to keep options open, however can I do that by ignoring him and can someone jeopardize someone else’s job offer with slander??
Ignore or if you must reach out some way, then through the work email keeping it professional.
Thank you! How should I phrase it to be professional yet assertive? I admittedly sometimes sound “nice” when I’m trying to set boundaries but clearly that hasn’t been working with him and he does not seem to respect me.
“No, thank you. And I wish that you refrain from contacting me again/about this or similar things.”
Thank you for your advice. I want to so badly but I’m so afraid they will retaliate and slander my name especially because I’m not sure what my next career steps are and that could jeopardize future opportunities in the same line of work. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!
“I am not interested in anything romantic with you. I tried to hint at this, and I don’t want to assume your intentions, but my hints haven’t seemed to change anything. So I’m telling you directly: not interested.”
Thank you for your advice. I liked your suggestion and did exactly this, even including a more distant salutation and explicitly saying “Farewell” whereas in my mass email to the whole group, I stated this isn’t Farewell. He ignored my email thankfully, however he has called me again recently after I met Ann to thank her for her help. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!
Sounds like a tough situation to be in. Next option is to be clear and upfront that you want to keep the relationship professional. If that is still ignored, I say ignore the person. There isn’t much you can do about the actions they decide to take. All you can do it control your own actions and explain your side of the situation if needed. Document anything that you may feel relative to proving your attempt to kept things professional. Best of luck.
Ignore him, warn others about him and Ann. This is problematic behaviour. Especially since they seem to be acting in concert.
I agree, thank you! That was the worst part of it all. I think it brought back some of my past trauma as well dealing with this other nasty mean pair ganging up on me. I was several years younger than that pair too. Some people just love to try exerting control when it isn’t even about that. In this case, it was as if Ann kept trying to matchmake us and felt like I owed that to her, blatantly asking my age and stating that he is X years older, asking what my type is, blaming me for “creating distance” when I always take public transpo home and simply wanted to again - on a Saturday night at that. Do you think they might retaliate though, especially Ann? I don’t know why I’m so afraid of that part
I don’t know if they’ll retaliate. I would prepare for that, though. Whatever you do, do not give them more ability to contact you. Try to keep records and keep it professional with Ann until you are out of the position. Once you are in the new job, it will be easier to distance yourself from them. And if Ann starts shit after you have started, it will be easier for you to point her out as the instigator.
The situation sucks, and I hope you have a better and easier time going forward. But it sounds like Ned and Ann are predators, and should be outed as such.
All true, thank you! I really hope so too. I’ve never been treated that way before, especially in a setting that is fully meant to be professional by definition.
I could see in his eyes
Your interpretation of someone’s look is not their opinion. Apparently he was treating you like crap at work, so I’d guess that wasn’t his intent.
It’s sounds like everyone involved is pretty dramatic.
Apparently he was treating you like crap at work, so I’d guess that wasn’t his intent.
You’ve never been at the tender mercies of a man who thinks you’re hot and holds a position of power over you, have you?
I don’t think that’s what’s going on here.
I dont think you’re qualified to give an opinion.
What would make me qualified?
Being less of a misogynist, having any experiences that involve antagonistic sexual harassment in a similar context, studying gender relations in an academic way?
What was the sexual harassment here?
I will say while the harassment wasn’t in the sense of bossman asking for a quickie in his office - the harassment was clear with sexual undertone. For more context, we went on a work trip where it was supposed to be all 3 of us there overnight. Ann bailed (no surprise there), so I was forced to be there with Ned. I wanted to go to a cheaper hotel and made it clear I was content staying there myself while he went elsewhere, and Ned kept pressuring me to get this fancy hotel, same one as him. He rented this bright colored trendy car (not the norm for business trips) and said he thought it would look better/more impressive. I instantly thought “Who cares? We are here for work.” It clearly wasn’t for the client because he purposefully parked far away so they wouldn’t see (suspicious in and of itself). He wanted me to go to dinner (with his friend, but still) and randomly claimed he forgot to pack the most essential things and wanted me to go to not one, but two, stores with him. I was so pissed when he kept pressuring me to order a more expensive dish to share and got upset when I didn’t. We got back to the hotel around 10:30pm or even later. Constantly cracking dumb jokes trying to make me laugh. So yes I think the look in his eye wasn’t innocent warmth and longing. I sat in that car and went with his shenanigans because it was a work trip. Some people might be ok with this shit. I’m not some people. As for dramatic, I’ll take it over keeping silent over this misogynistic treatment that has no place in any community.
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It sounds like OP is inventing ideas. Also, don’t need your points. Blocked.
Always always leave a trail when possible. Email would be the best bet for an audit trail. After calling / conversatin, do a follow-up email to keep the audit trail and confirming what was discussed
I agree, thank you! I started doing that when he was harassing me about printing months ago. It was such a ridiculous question. He asked me where in the office the printers are. They are literally everywhere. And he has been there before. There is a huge map at the entrance. Also I was not even on the floor, nor am I Maintenance. I emailed back something like “I missed the text you had sent on the weekend. There are printers near each of the supplies areas on the floor.”
I am so uncomfortable because of the new developments! He not only called but Facetimed me, and obviously does not want to have a trail. I am glad he ignored the reply I sent back via work email at the time but I thought that was it and he has resurfaced. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!
I am probably not the best for advice, this harrasment needs nipped imo and consulting a lawyer seems like a good idea. I think it’d help having legal documentation in case it worsens. If they try to hurt your reputation then you have legal backup to sue and get a restraining order if it gets worse. They probably can help not going nuclear first too.
Please stay safe.
One more thing. Be careful of eating or drinking anything either of them might have had access to you that you alone are consuming. Seriously. The whole car thing is one step away from ruffying.
Ignore
Thank you!
Block his number, and report him to HR immediately
I wouldn’t block the number, to keep gathering evidence if any comes, but I 100% agree with reporting to HR. And the police. Depending on the details, you being in his car and them refusing your explicit request to be free of the situation may have been a crime.
It’s unlikely that anything will happen to him, but having a police report on file will (a) be a useful piece of information to have recorded objectively, if in the future he does anything else to you or someone else (b) be a deterrent; it will dramatically increase your safety if he knows that you’re okay with involving the law to protect yourself against him.
He’ll probably be upset, if it goes anywhere. Fuck him. That’s a tactic to put pressure on to discourage you from protecting yourself.
It will also increase OP’s safety for her to know she’s willing to do that.
Is it possible this could change the severity of the reactions, such as HR and police involvement? The car was parked and I technically could have bailed in the middle of their sentence, so it wasn’t like they were forcefully shackling me or operating a moving vehicle. Any legal professionals able to comment? At any rate, that is exactly what he is doing - feeding toxic culture by snitching to Ann that I ignored whatever attempt he did to reach me again - and then she went and told our other coworker that I mentioned. Unbelievable, toxic culture.
Yes if you report to HR and/or the police it will increase the severity of the response. It will go from basically zero, to non-zero.
It’s a serious thing to do. You are allowed to do serious shit when your own safety is threatened. You are allowed to take yourself seriously, and our society is structured such that if you request help, your request will be taken seriously by others as well.
Yeah. 😢 IDK what to tell you about the toxic culture or how to navigate it.
Probably based on the details you described, it’s not a crime and maybe better to leave it alone… IDK. Maybe good to get some feedback from people closer to the situation? It just sounds creepy as hell.
I want to so badly but what about the bridges that would burn? He isn’t the most well-liked but he has been there for a while and has connections with two really important leaders who did help me out a lot, including Ann (as much as I hate to admit it; all this happened after I opened up to her help)
You will survive the consequences better than he will. Whatever you may suffer as consequences in the aftermath, you will still have your dignity, intact, and that is what matters. Do you have to do, move on, and survive. And seriously, fuck this guy. You owe him nothing, and he is sucking the life out of you. Cast him away, once and for all.
Well said, he is the type of guy who would change his behavior completely if I were a male. So in a word, misogynist as was mentioned above. It still makes me so angry, mainly the lack of respect. It also confuses me that someone I shared all this with, who is of a very different culture, said Ann/Ned didn’t really do anything wrong (which no one has said on this thread). I know this person means well but I would really understand them better if they weren’t always trying to see what I could do better from my side, and acknowledge that sometimes other people are the bad guy.
I gotta be honest: I didn’t even read the story. I just read your headline and advised you to contact HR.
The rest of it is irrelevant. This person is toxic and terrible, and it sounds like you very much know that. It also sounds like you know what to do, and you don’t need anyone else’s permission to do it.
Take care of yourself, and best of luck!
This helps a lot, thank you!
I don’t want you to think that I’m discounting your story or that I don’t think it matters. Of course what you’re going through matters. What I mean by what I said is that the red flags and the hitting the “get the fuck out of here” button was evident in your headline. I didn’t need to hear the “why”. I’d already heard enough.
You’re smart enough to know that some Fuckery is going on and that it is wrong. You’re strong enough to stand up and say, “this is wrong! “. And while you are here, making sure to confirm that you’re not crazy, let me at least say: you’re not crazy! Do something to protect yourself and fight back! And if you can’t, get the fuck out of this situation!
Sadly, your company’s HR will side with the company and to try to protect itself should you complain to them. So, when you do, keep that in mind. What I mean by this is that you must frame both your complaint AND your approach in such a way that I dressing your complaints is in their best interest.
HOW they do this, however, is the dice-roll. The reasonable and rational way may not be the way that is the most expedient “protect the companies ass” way. Maybe you look out and get a great HR person who really is on your side and does the right thing. But the likelihood of that is very low. It’s more likely that the HR person is going to try to protect the company and deal with the situation as a bothersome annoyance, dealing with his situation in a “both sides” manner in order to appear neutral and make the problem just go away.
Prepare for this.
Unless you can provide a mountain of evidence of egregious offense, by this other person, this could blow back on you. If you can, good, but even still, there could be consequences. I’m sorry, there shouldn’t be, and there are technically legal protections against us, but shitty workplaces and toxic workplace cultures, always find their way around these sorts of things. This may not apply where you work, but you should still be prepared for it nonetheless.
However, you should not let any of this dissuade you from doing what is right in standing out to yourself and making sure that you have a safe workplace. Be brave.
You should really talk to HR. If you’re super duper non-confrontational, I see maybe two other options:
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Chastise Ann for not having your back. Make her tell Ned to stop being a creep
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Talk to Ned’s boss informally and say Ned has made uncomfortable comments/advances.
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Being a guy I have always been aware of slimey guys and even I found the “typical” male to be aweful. I realized females sorta had their own thing with that but it always seen it as not quite as scary a level as jerk males. That being said my wife has had experiences and I am telling you now to get the fuck away from both of them as much as possible. avoid being alone with either of them if you have to interact with them. They are predators and they see you as prey. By no means stay on good terms with Ann. Just because she is a woman does not mean she would not want things happening to her that she would not want for yourself. Go watch the original version of wes cravens “The Last House on the Left”. Im sorry but assume Ann is sadie from the film.
If you wanna help your case stop referring to women as “females”. It makes them sound like objects.
Text: “new numba, who dis?”
Seriously though. Don’t answer. Block the number. If he keeps pestering you, get a guy-friend to call him from your phone and ask him to stop harassing you. Alternatively report to the police.
