First born nipper of seven weeks is well for which I count my blessings. Fresh challenges for daddy though: I don’t have the emotional and physical comfort from my girlfriend that I had become accustomed to. Obviously, she is looking after a baby for everything she’s worth, with me right behind her. We’re breastfeeding. Circumstances conspired for me to get away for a night out a week ago - for the first time - with my best friend and it was wonderful. I was a lot less stressed afterwards and had a lot more to give the next day. But it also reminded me of the time before we had our baby; fun, sex, freedom, all that jazz. We managed to have some rushed sexy time a few weeks ago (thanks grandpa), a couple of brief cuddles and a couple of limited heart-to-heart chats but really I feel like I’m basically just a cook, potwash, caretaker and babysitter. Whilst being hyper-focussed our baby, she also tries her best not to overload me, which I’m grateful for. But I’m not getting much love, care, understanding or respect from anywhere at the moment. Nice moments with my daughter just about keeps me in the game tbh. Do any of you recongnise this? Can you offer any light at the end of the tunnel, recommend what to do? I’m feeling very strapped in. Thanks

  • @Railing5132@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    2523 days ago

    I’m on midnight watch with our 6 week old daughter as I’m typing this. Your girlfriend just created a whole 'nother human being, then either forced it out an oriface or had major abdominal surgery, and is now expending about 1500 calories per day making milk to sustain the little being. While this is happening, her brain and body is swimming in a hormone soup to form an immense bond with baby and begin resetting her body. She’s exhausted. She feels gross and sex is the last thing on her mind. Doctors recommend no earlier than 2 months for vaginal birth and 3 for c-sections.

    Like it or not, when you signed up to become a parent, you gave away the “lead character” role. Both of you exist to keep the newborn thriving right now. You will have a chance to be intimate with your girlfriend again. But it will be on your child’s schedule, not yours.

  • @Tolookah@discuss.tchncs.de
    link
    fedilink
    English
    2223 days ago

    This may sound counterintuitive, but Steal the kid, as much as you can. You said the moments with your daughter are bright points, and Mom is quite burdened. Kill two birds with one stone, take the little one to some library baby group this weekend, and make it a weekly fun event (for you, maybe a way to talk to other local parents).

    Seven weeks is not old at all though, maybe just take the baby out for some walks, either in a stroller or in a baby wearing harness. some good time, some exercise, and get Mom some time, and household stress will improve.

    • RBG
      link
      fedilink
      English
      523 days ago

      Just want to emphasize this. At this stage nothing is as great as me time. Well, I got a 6 year old and nothing is as great as me time still! When ours was smaller I made it a habit to take baby out on weekends for as long as possible, depends on what you got in your area.

      We have a science museum/aquarium thing nearby so I just got a yearly ticket for that and seriously for a while went every single weekend with the kid to that place. It gave entertainment for 1-2 hours, we had food there, it was great! Then some playground or whatever on the way back and we’d be out 4+ hours. Just an example. It doesn’t matter of your kid is too small to actually do stuff wherever you go, it is just as great to just show stuff to them. Animals are always great, unless you are firmly against the idea of zoos.

      One last thing. Going for groceries or cleaning the house while the baby is out with you is not me time! It will be tempting for whoever is not with the baby to finally take care if stuff, which sometimes needs doing. But this won’t relax you. Maybe do 50:50 if you’re really behind on chores but don’t forget to also take care of you, read a book, take a walk, go to a museum yourself, whatever. That counts for both of you! Just saying this before you go to your girlfriend saying, I am taking the baby outside for a while, you get to clean the house, thank me later! Don’t do that!

  • @sbv@sh.itjust.works
    link
    fedilink
    English
    1523 days ago

    I’m not getting much love, care, understanding or respect from anywhere at the moment

    It’s part of parenthood. Your girlfriend and daughter need you. Some of your needs have to take a back seat for a while until everything settles down.

    I went through the same. Things will improve with time. As your daughter gets older, you’ll find more freedom.

    You mentioned spending time with friends. Take a bit of time for yourself, especially if you feel recharged afterward. I didn’t, and I think it made my life harder.

    And like other posters said: take your daughter out in the stroller so your girlfriend has time to herself as well.

  • @Hobbes_Dent@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    1423 days ago

    This is hindsight for me, not having understood this well enough at the time, but it takes a lot of time. I don’t think many of us fathers understand enough the compounded physical and mental tolls of gestation, birth, and the new lifestyle sans rest. She’s likely absolutely, existentially, exhausted.

    It’s perhaps not that we are no longer a priority, but can’t be the first priority. We know that. You must already feel that you aren’t even your own number one priority. But there’s a time period that the baby and her own health take up all 24 hours. Nothing for it but time and good health and patience. Give and take on time away, which may look selfish but couples alone time just is fucking hard as new parents.

    Trick is to simmer it good with things like helping, innuendo, etc. And last but very much not least, she probably feels like the most unattractive person on the planet and it’s manifesting in ways easily interpreted as avoiding you. But it’s not wanting to disgust you. I know, I know.

  • @twinnie
    link
    English
    1323 days ago

    This bit is tough and you kinda just have to wait it out. Lean on family if you can and try and get a few nights out together. The hardest bit about this phase is that you feel like it will never end but it does, even if it feels like ages. Ignore people who tell you this is the best bit, they’ve just got rose tinted glasses. But with each month that passes it gets less shit. Some people say it doesn’t start getting better until around six but that’s bollocks, even 1 year is ten time better than 1 month.

    Some people love the baby phase but I hated it. Just remember that you don’t have to fix everything, they’ll grow out of most of the problems. Try to find other kids the same age to hang out with, that’s an easy win no matter how old they are.

  • @Silic0n_Alph4@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    1123 days ago

    9 months here. It gets better. IT GETS BETTER.

    The first couple of months are hell. Make sure you and your girlfriend both get breaks when you can, and prioritise sleep. Celebrate the little things, because the only big things this month will be bags under eyes and bags of nappies. Call on family for support if you can. Invite friends over to meet the baby.

    When she starts sleeping for longer periods your life will start to come back. You’re daddy forever now, though!

    Hang in there buddy. You’re going through the worst part of it all, but this too will pass. You have the strength to power through. You got this.

    • @kender242@lemmy.world
      link
      fedilink
      English
      5
      edit-2
      23 days ago

      Hells yeah. 9 months is a great time, you get to see the end of the tunnel.

      As time goes by the chores drop off. Something to look forward to No more burping Neck is strong enough Solid foods become a thing Fewer bottles to clean No more bored baby Baby is moving, coasting, walking Self play! Words Smiles SLEEP Communicating needs reciprocated love DAYCARE lol

      Taking care of wife and baby was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s a selfless thing that is thrust on you. But we’re doing the good work.

      I have no regrets. Time does go by quickly, you only have a baby for one year, but it’s all about being in the moment, and the next.

      Two isn’t bad. 3 is awesome. About to experience 4. My daughter is full of love, happiness and wonder.

      Just a general shout out to all the dads out there. Take care of yourselves. Get sleep whenever you can. IT GETS BETTER.

  • Nach [Ohio]
    link
    fedilink
    English
    1023 days ago

    Yep, I recognize some of what you are experiencing. You now have a new dimension to your relationship that you have to adjust to. 7 weeks is very new and things will change rapidly over the first 18 months. Things will get better. Schedules change . Babies eventually sleep through the night, take longer naps, etc. It might sound hokey, but consider scheduling whatever you are missing (sex, cuddles, heart to hearts) so she knows what you are thinking about and what you need. This works for us and it leads to less hurt feelings if I say “feel like sex tonight?”. Even if she says “not tonight” then I know and don’t get my feelings hurt later when I get shot down trying to initiate with no warning.

    Is she pumping too or just only on the boob? If she’s pumping then offer to bottle feed the midnight session so she can get some good unbroken rest. This was a game changer for us once we figured it out. Sleeping 5+ hours sleep is much different than getting woken up over and over.

  • @thr0w4w4y2@sh.itjust.works
    link
    fedilink
    English
    523 days ago

    2 year father here. The physical relationship will come back once healing is finished. Don’t push it before it’s ready. Expect to have to work hard (both of you) to make time and put effort into it, but if you both want it then it will return

  • @cynar@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    523 days ago

    Dad of 5 years here.

    For the first few months to a year, you’re running in emergency mode. As dad’s, we have the easier, but more frustrating end of the stick. It does get easier with time (or at least more rewarding!)

    Right now, your GF has 1 job, to look after your baby. Your job is to look after her. The most critical bit of that, however, is looking after yourself. It’s impossible to be her rock, when your own foundations are eroding.

    Care for her:

    • Time out and time management. Right now, she is likely pouring all of herself into being mum, leaving nothing left for herself, let alone you. Your job is to keep her off tilt with this. Make sure you schedule time for her time, or at least down time. Also, make sure it’s explicit about it. An unknown amount of downtime is FAR less valuable than a known amount.

    • Take the baby out. Do for a 60 minute walk with the baby. Let your wife know what you doing, and how long you’ll be out. This gives her time to do things like have a bath, or watch a whole show.

    • Kick her out of the house. Ring her friends and coordinate a time they can go out. Don’t leave it as a surprise, but do present it as a fait accompli.

    • Sort food out. Right now, she is burning calories FAST, as well as being stripped of minerals and nutrients. Do some bulk cooking. Your goal should be to have enough stuff in the fridge/freezer that you can just grab and eat, on those days. Some ideas are cottage pie, Bolognese, chilli, or stews. All are easy to make in bulk, and keep well.

    • Give explicit nights off. Often overlooked, but the broken sleep is a BIG deal. If she’s exclusively breast feeding, this gets a lot harder. If your bottle, or mixed, it is doable. Often you will feel taking turns is the fairest option. This can just cook both of you. Instead focus on giving her a coherent night’s sleep. Let her know that you are on dad duty, and she can sleep though/go back to sleep when they cry. (As an aside, pre measured containers of baby formula were a game changer for me. The measuring part was the part that most woke me up)

    Care for yourself.

    As mentioned above, you must not forget about yourself. This is the easier part, so long as you remember. Just apply the same bits above to yourself. A few hours out with friends, a full night sleep, and access to goo, low effort food makes it a LOT easier to keep an evening keel. This lets you be the rock she needs.

    Also take time to bond with your baby. I loved baby wearing (via an elastic fabric wrap/sling). Even cleaning the house is a lot more pleasant with your bundle of love cuddled up to you chest. Also, baby smell is what crack cocaine is a pale imitation of. Spend time, either just the 2 of you, or all 3, but you on “dad duty”. Apparently there’s little sexier than a confident, capable man, just being a good dad. 🤷‍♂️ Particularly to an overworked mum.

    Once you have this flow going, it gives your GF time to be more than just a milk cow. Once she has time and energy to be herself, she will start to have time and energy for you. This is where your ‘village’ shines. Schedule date nights. It might be once a month, when nanny has the minion, but it’s something. Remind yourself why you love each other. The rest will flow from there.

    As I said at the top, you’re both in emergency mode right now. That’s ok, you’ll get through it. Your old normal is gone. But with a bit of effort, your new normal can be even better.