The fact I’ll die alone without ever feeling the love of a woman besides my mother and without a child saddens me. So, as kind of a consolation, I want to know… How does it feel? Being in love and being together, the sex part, just living together and all that…
Have you spoken to a therapist about these feelings? Things like depression can make negative thoughts seem much more real and reasonable than they actually are.
I mean, if you’re terminally ill and dying next week I guess it’s possible those are realistic thoughts. But if that’s not the case then that sounds much more like doom spiraling to me.
I will never go to those places. And therapy is for the not poor
Depending on where you live, therapy can be a prescription. And obviously then it doesn’t cost you money to go there.
Assuming you’re in the US since you mention cost. I know therapy can be really hard to access, especially if you don’t have good insurance and/or aren’t close to an urban area. Your city or county may have mental health services like low cost therapy, or be able to give you referrals for it.
You do seem like you want to talk about it, I’m assuming anyway since you made this post. A good therapist that you vibe with is going to be someone you want to talk to just as much (if not more) than anyone on this post, and they’ll be able to bring up perspectives on your thoughts you hadn’t considered before.
You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to obviously, and if you live in a place with really terrible mental health services there’s not really anything you can do about that. But if the feelings you’re describing in your OP are something that’s upsetting you that you want to change, I’d encourage you to do what you can to try to access therapy.
I don’t live there. I’m not American and English is my third language
Ah I see, sorry for the assumption, usually it’s Americans who don’t mention what country they’re in ;)
I’m throwing shots in the dark here, but your English seems very proficient. Is there a possibility that your excellent English skills could be an avenue to making money in your home country? Forgive my ignorance. I can feel your pain through your posts. Just wanna help.
The magic of auto correct. My English is terrible. Still… Puts me above the people here (immigrant in Italy)
I don’t know, you seem to be using more advanced vocabulary and word choice in this thread than could be explained just with autocorrect.
Sending love to you brother. I wish I knew the right magic words to say that would help you love yourself like you should. I hope one day you find what you need.
I can even be more articulated and going balls deep in my references on the Shakespearian language. I’m still bad. That still won’t get me laid here as a poor brown dude.
Dude, consider getting therapy. You need to learn to love yourself first
Ok no. I’m fucking tired of hearing that one. That’s so bullshit. My father never loved himself and yet managed to get my mom and impregnate her twice, plus a 11 years marriage
No, learning to love yourself first is not a prerequisite for finding love or happiness. But it sure makes it a hell of a lot easier to know what’s best for you.
Do consider therapy if you have a way of procuring it, I know it’s expensive, or the next best thing in my opinion is to go and grab a notebook from the dollar store and just start writing your thoughts down. It’s going back and reading those thoughts that really helps with self actualization and reflection, imo.
I wish you luck, OP, you deserve happiness and I believe you can find it, but you have to be patient with yourself and other people. Becoming vulnerable to others, although risky, really helps expedite the process.
Amputee’s have climbed Everest, doesn’t mean its the easiest way to
This is your primary issue right here. You value yourself so little that the only value in life you see is in being in a relationship. Or to put it another way, you only see value in yourself when you think others value you. Which means, as others have alluded to and very much not coincidentally, that you will not be successful in a relationship. If you can’t accept and love yourself for who you are, others will inevitably have a hard time doing so as well.
Given your responses thus far you won’t take this well because you are convinced you know better. And that is your secondary issue.To answer your question: It’s over-rated and not all it’s cracked up to be. It has benefits but so does being single.
But if you want to experience, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Grow up and learn to value you for who you are or nobody else will.
I don’t shut you don’t only because you finally answered the question. I still call bullshit on your first paragraph.
I will never love myself, does that means I earned my loneliness? Don’t you realize how fucked up that sounds?
I will never love myself, does that means I earned my loneliness?
It means you deserve loneliness. Because you didn’t take responsibility for doing the one MOST BASIC thing, which is to love yourself and believe in yourself. It doesn’t have to be perfect or 100% (in fact better not!) but you do have to be able to see the good in yourself such that you can have confidence others will see it too.
Instead you blame others for it and feel sorry for yourself. You don’t even seem to realize that it’s this fact and your lack of responsibility toward yourself that is the reason others may find it hard to love you.
You and only you are responsible for that. Fix that and you fill not be lonely. Nobody wants to be around someone like that.
No. I won’t change shit.
No. I won’t change shit.
I know. Because you are so insecure that you need to be lonely and unloved. You need to be the victim.
Victim by ass.
I could go on like everyone else and try to make you understand that you absolutely have many more chances for love and that you, like everyone, deserve love. However, it seems like that’s just not an answer you’re willing to accept.
It’s a self fulfilling prophecy: if you tell yourself you suck or that you’re awful or that there’s no way you can ever deserve love, then you yourself will make it happen, whether consciously or subconsciously. You can say you’re like this or that and that no one wants this or that but that’s actually verifiably false. MAYBE if there’s only 100 people in your small village then maybe there’s no one there, but there’s an entire country, an entire continent, and entire world that you just need to open yourself up to. There’s not just one person who would want to love you but so many. They just don’t know it yet.
But you know what, you’re right, fuck me and everyone else telling you this. You must be unlovable and an awful person because you say so and because everyone isn’t their own worst critic (that’s heavy sarcasm, by the way).
Seriously read some of these posts here and think about them. Don’t just read them and think the entire time “well that’s great for you but it could never be me”. Open yourself up to other perspectives and you’ll be better for it.
He won’t listen. He wants to dwell in his own self pity
You don’t really know me and how I live. Majority of what you’re saying is physically not applicable to me.
And you did not write it, not before, and not now. So it’s hard to give more insightful feedback than what everyone here already wrote.
That’s not a great way to get good information from the community.
Even if I had bet your ass people here would just still trying to analyse me like I’m a rat from an experiment instead of just answering my damn question
You’ve certainly managed to get a lot of nice people to waste a lot of time trying to be positive and give good advice here. I’m betting a decent amount that you’re a troll pretending to be an incel.
If not- you’ve spent so much time explaining why you’re a miserable sack of shit that I’m just going to believe you. No one can help you but you. If you don’t want help, fine, just stop spreading your misery around.
Is not my fault if nobody wants to answer me. They’re all just trying to be a 4 dollar psychiatrist to feel better about themselves. Notice how I didn’t said anything towards the few who actually answered the question.
I NEVER ASKED FOR ADVICE.
Wow. What a douchebag. Here people are trying to tell you that hope doesn’t have to be lost. But fuck them, right? Write off the rest of your life if you want. No skin off our noses.
People here either lying to me or avoiding the answer. And I’m the douche? Not only that, you’re not insulting me, jackass.
Yes. You. You can’t honestly have zero self awareness. Or maybe here we’re figuring out your problem.
Incorrect
Why do you think you will be alone?
I’m invisible and don’t have the qualities women want.
This sounds more like you not really being aware of your qualities, and/or you looking at females who would not be a match for you (meaning neither of you would be satisfied if you tried). While there do exist qualities which make people truely unattractive (disorders such as uncontrolled rage for example), you don’t say that.
It’s true that mating choice in humans is foremost the female’s choice, yet you might be surprised by what they see as qualities to appreciate. If you are an introvert, despair not, because 30-ish percent of all people could be classified as such, and that specifically could be seen as an appreciable quality by a woman who also sees herself as such …You are only invisible if you literally hide away. – You do not give us much information as to why you think this way, or about your cultural background. You might be truely physically impaired or clinically depressive, or part of a culture where men and women are mostly kept separated, and that would actually make it more difficult but not impossible at all to find a match. Not having such information, i will refrain myself from just telling you to “go out of your hole more, man” and such. –
May we perhaps get a hint at your age? Because answers could get more helpful if we knew. (Don’t ever think you are too old)
Yet, in whatever way you are set up, think of it like this: there are likely, literally, millions of people in your area and half of them are women, and a good percentage of those are in your age range (the older you get the wider this range gets). You can be certain that there is a sizeable number of women who have the same kind of thoghts and feelings as you do right now, and perhaps more important even, Your emotional and mental state can and will change.
In other words, you are certainly not unworthy in the eyes of the one you would not have expected to find you attractive. Of course, you need to actually show up in places where you likely meet people who share your interests (iow. “find you attractive”) …My own experience: considered myself an “introvert” (until more recently i learned it’s likely “more than just that”). Had great difficulties finding the right approach toward women in general, until i was 25 … when it happened for the first time that a woman approached me, in a very assuring way (like, “want to come home with me, we make food and then I’d like to show you around my bedroom”). I took the chance and although i was “easy prey” for her it was the right thing to do because she was treating my inexperience in a sensitive way. Nevertheless, she was not a good match interest-wise, so that lasted only a couple of monts (and broke in anger).
A year later, a similar thing happened again … at a seminar after-party, a student colleague who i wouldn’t have thought of just so asked if she could stay the night with me. She didn’t appear the most attractive to me but neither did i seem to be particularly attractive to others. Somehow i was wrong. That time it turned out quickly that it was me who was the more experienced one. … And that woman was an “introvert” match (whom i now think of as being “more than just introvert”, too) – we’ve been a couple for seven years. …
After that, both our paths in life changed considerably so we broke up in mutual agreement that we both needed to experience new things in life (i found a more spiritual-leaning path and learned what “love” is really about; she went with another man and discovered that she wanted to have children after all). …The relevant part here is that despite me thinking of myself not being particularly attractive, it kept happening that women just approached me, asking quite explicitly. – And it almost always happened when i had gone into the company of like-minded people, but without the specific intent to seek out a woman. I can only remember one time when i did make an explicit move myself (even at that occasion i knew that i wouldn’t get turned down because of the way she went all so lovely excited both times we had met before).
All in all, i wasn’t together with very many and now that i’m older i still miss finding my true partner, but i can say that any of the experiences i got the chance to have, had its distinct flavour of enjoyability (well, perhaps minus the one time she later admitted she had abused me). Many of the women i love, i did never even get close to. A couple of times it was me who had to leave them behind because our paths just couldn’t go together. A number of times it was sexual enjoyment for a number of days.If you are asking, how does it feel … well that’s asking for poetry. Every experience is different though, and so will be yours (yes i say it will). It can be very satisfying, very lacking, questionable, exciting, soothing, mind-melting, enchanting, hurting, teaching. Pick yours. :-)
Dude I’m a poor immigrant in my 30s living with my family and unemployed without education. And I live in a small town in Italy. Millions my ass. And nobody would want someone like me.
Bet there are women in your town with prospects just as bad who consider themselves undateable.
You have to learn to stop hating yourself before you can expect someone else to love you.
No
Please seek help for your depression.
I won’t repeat myself
A friend of mine is a poor, jobless, dark-skinned Slavic person in Italy with the whole alphabet of disorders that lives with their family in the middle of nowhere and mostly does language stuff and poetry and all that. What they do is Tinder and Grindr… it works pretty great for them apparently and they’ve gotten a lot of great friends and people who wanted to date on there, although they’re still guaging what they want and who can fulfil it.
Personally I prefer meeting people in third places in densely populated areas, but that’s not an option for everyone. Especially if you can travel (like by public transport) to urban areas, there’s always options if you look in the right places and try to seem interesting (which basically just means letting go of the concept of “cringe”).
You know you’re talking to some women on this forum, right? And that we’re not some monolithic group that only likes pretty, rich, white men?
You’re coming across like an incel… Which, you know, probably isn’t going to get you very far with most women. Stop being a troll and actually take some of the suggestions here to heart.
Since when I said rich? And btw there’s statistics about it, white girls USUALLY prefer white folks. Other ethnicity are more lax, except from traditional Asians. Also if you have to chose between that supposed rich guy and me… What would you pick?..
I don’t need an answer on that.
Says who?
idk maybe try to be gay
Love can hurt too… I am going through a rough patch at the moment and I sometimes wish I never knew love because the pain of losing it is the worst pain in the world… I don’t think that helps you much, but it is another side
I want to give an honest answer here. I am in a relationship of 10 years and there are a couple points worth making upfront. Sex doesn’t make a relationship - not everyone feels this way but you can have a loving relationship without it. Children are not something I’ve ever personally wanted so I can’t attest to that. That being said, being in a relationship is overall good for me. It has made me do things and go places that my introverted self would have never done or gone to in the first place.
More importantly than any of that, don’t give up hope that you’ll find someone. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be this year, but if you keep believing that you’ll be alone indefinitely then you might just manifest it. I can’t exactly give tips on how to meet people - being an introvert and out of the dating pool for so long means any direct experience is not very relevant, but I can say try to meet new people and see who you jive with. I think relationships are probably easiest to foster through shared experiences and meaningful connections, so if you can find a group of people that share a common hobby/passion, that might be a good place to start.
Kinda boring. I don’t think about it. We look after each other with love and spend probably too much time together because we enjoy each other’s company. But it’s not the incredible harlequin drama you might think.
Well, it has its ups and downs… I’m in the process of getting a divorce and my youngest son is soon to be a year old.
For me it’s been a learning process and I don’t have any regrets, not even with the situation I’m in right now. We know each other well, and it has been good for almost 10 years, but it’s time to find something that makes me happy. I’ve neglected a big part of myself for the past years, but it’s a choice I’ve made to be able to have two great children and a partner to share things with. We are just not compatible as a husband and wife any more.
The children aspect brings me more joy than anything else I’ve experienced, but that’s probably a personal trait and not for everyone. To watch them grow and become goof machines is a big part of why my life has never been better.
10/10 would recommend both, but they are a ton of work, a source to misery and failure, but that’s a part of the experience.
Being in a relationship gives me a sense confidence in myself.
If you do not hear these people out, you are denying yourself the chance for a better life. By refusing to believe you are capable of what you want, you are making it impossible for you to achieve your goals. Because you won’t try.
Good luck ❤️
I don’t think so.
I was not in love but i can talk about being in a relationship. Its nice. You have someone to talk to when you want. You have someone to help you when you need help and someone to help when you need to be helpful. You can share your victories without judgement.
Its nice to not get into an empty bed. In winter when it’s cold you get into bed and warm each other up. Sex is good but it kinda becomes a step by step routine when you know what each other like.
In regards to your attitude. Women don’t actually want that much. Even ugly and outshape poor guys can find people. But if you are convinced that you are a person no body wants you need to take steps to improve yourself. In 6 months of hard work you can completely reinvent yourself. Jump on steroids start going to the gym 5 days a week. Do cardio, get a dog and pick a generic hobby like watching Netflix then start trawling tinder. Once on tinder you should accept every date opportunity even the fat ugly girls just to get practice and confidence. Give tinder at least 6 months before you give up.
That probably won’t get you a good relationship but it will get you experience with women and you’ll realize they’re humans with flaws and you’ll stop putting then on a pedestal. You could also try an escort just to get rid of the virgin nerves.
If you want to get steroids go to a trt clinic and make sure you have crashed your t levels before going.
Your advice is decent except the start steroids bit.
If he truly has no hope in life then why not blast gear? He needs change and needs to see it fast. There is so much more information available these days so you can do relatively safe protocols.
That steroid stuff is dangerous and also doesn’t exist here
Its not dangerous and it exists everywhere. Your body produces test naturally so it’s fine.
I was in a total of one relationship that can universally be agreed upon to be a relationship, but I could not tell you how it felt back then (well technically I could) because I severely took it for granted and the only two things I could remember from how it felt was that it was a bubbly young love type of relationship and I thought we went well together. We were hinging on ending it and happened to have left closure ambiguous before he was hospitalized which leaves me wondering if it’s still a thing. Sometimes he remembers it that way and says it is, sometimes he doesn’t.
Not that great. If I could afford to be single, I would be.
In the dance of life’s sweet song, Do what makes your heart beat strong. Chase the moments, find your glee, Let your spirit wander free.
Smile more often, bright and wide, In the little joys, confide. Love yourself just as you are, You’re a shining, splendid star.
Confidence in self you’ll find, Brings a peace of heart and mind. Then one day, when least you see, Love will come, a sweet surprise to be.
With your mate, those joys will grow, Every smile, a brighter glow. Tiny treasures, once so small, Now with them, you cherish all.
Hand in hand, your hearts will soar, Love yourself and them even more. Life’s a tale of joy and cheer, Happily ever after, year by year.
Credits to chat gpt ☝️
As an answer to your question OP - Once I met my mate, I felt bad for treating myself so badly all those years before it.
