I hate it when I’m at the grocery store and the cashier is staring at me and I realize I accidentally went out in my ANAL SEX PROLAPSED RECTUM shirt
Or at Subway… “I want a roast beef footlong with EXTRA mayo”
You’re never too old to wear band merch
I doubted that was in the bible, but that guy knows his stuff:
“… when the Galoshan asked Jesus about the Greeks’ fornication, Jesus said unto him: ‘The LORD has built a divine calculus to judge the acts of men. If it is true that the Greeks lay thus with each other and that their bowels protrude from out of their rectum, then it is because the LORD has willed that anal sex = prolapsed rectum’. Upon hearing this, the Galoshan was gladdened, for his own prolapsed rectum had been a gift from the LORD.” - Romans 1:27
took me a minute to realize those two bands were an = / equal sign. at first i was like, “is that supposed to be a military ribbon for the All Gay Army’s Operation: Gay Sex?”
…
anyway, back when i used to be more emotionally invested in what The Bible said about various things, i was introduced to the concept of Pauline Christianity, which evangelical orthodox fuck ups and many other types of complete asshole find to be a confusing or pejorative term. it’s been a topic in theology for a long ass time. simply put, Paul was a Class 1 Prick Deluxe.
he never actually met jesus and spent his life being shitty to the early christian cult members. he was an educated roman citizen and from a very devout/pious/conservative religious order that shit all over everybody else with their public performances of piety. this religious order was so annoying, jesus called them out, by name, repeatedly for being irredeemable assholes who god will not allow into heaven because their hearts are such garbage. then, well after jesus was dead, paul had some kind of “experience” and decided he was now a big, fully-erect christian, actually and spent the rest of his life to make a shitload of pronouncements about what christianity meant and how to be a good christian. paul’s christianity was all quite distinct from what any of the people who met jesus said, but was very easily incorporated into roman life because it was explicitly patriarchal, socially conservative and judgey as fuck. very “servants obey your masters” and “women are not supposed to talk” shit. naturally, as christianity came to become the state religion of rome, it all worked out to give us a cosmology in christendom that is HEAVILY influenced by paul. more than half (14 of 27 books) of the content of the new testament is from this fucking guy paul.
so you can imagine why the term Pauline Christianity can get under the skin of evangelicals in a way they are unequipped to handle. it’s funny because evangelicals tend to be very anti-rome/anti-pope, so its a really intense contradiction to consider that they embrace all the roman baloney paul cooked up more than anything jesus said or did. one time i explained what it was to someone else (myself and another non-religious person just talking about belief systems at a party) and this third party, a pseudo-cool, lib, faux-tolerant brand of christian butt-in and accused me of being a “christ denier” and stormed off.
anyway, i bring this up, because i always notice now when some clown is out there being hateful as shit and wanted to put a jesus stamp on it, it’s always quote from paul. i don’t think i’m christian anymore really, but i still notice that. it’s like a little game of Where’s Waldo i play when i see these people.
It’s fascinating, right? As soon as you ditch the concept of “all these perfectly-selected books are God’s Word and people were just writing it down”, it’s incredibly clear just how much of the New Testament is just Paul telling everybody how it’s gonna be from now on.
The concept of Pauline Christianity is irritating to evangelicals because it implies that things could ever have been some other kind of way.
a very devout/pious/conservative religious order that shit all over everybody else with their public performances of piety. this religious order was so annoying, jesus called them out, by name
Pharisees, right?
Yeah, he says that in Acts 23:6.
Attributed to him anyway.
There are actually a lot of good contemporary and modern writings on the ‘Pauline Reinterpretation’, or whatever it’s called, where there are good reinterpretations from the Left of Paul’s progressivism in order to reclaim his original thinking that was recuperated and reformulated by the conservative Church tradition. I really disagree with the usual Paul bashing and don’t think Paul is as bad as people, both on the Right and the Left, usually think he is. It’s funny because I meet a lot of Right-wingers that also hate Paul, but I think it generally comes from a lack of understanding. I don’t think it’s much different from how anarchists and Right-wingers both hate on Lenin, for example. Paul was pretty progressive, or even radical, for his moment and had a beautiful vision for Christianity.
And, historically speaking, it is absolutely necessary to include Paul’s authentic letters in the canon as they are the earliest writings we have of Christianity at all. Paul’s earliest epistle clocking at about 50 CE is about 20 years older than the earliest Gospel in the canon, the Gospel According to Mark which is estimated to be written in 70 CE. Although your statement that 12/27 books of the Bible are Paul’s is factually incorrect as we now know that quite a few of the epistles attributed to Paul, and usually very conservative, are inauthentic. 12/27 books are Pauline but not necessarily Paul’s. In fact, even his authentic letters are analyzed to have later interpolations that change the whole meaning of passages as well. Paul was butchered, in my opinion.
I don’t remember all of the books on the subject, or even the term for it at the moment, but I would really recommend checking them out for a better grasp of the Pauline project. Taubes’ The Political Theology of Paul, and Badiou’s St. Paul are both great places to start and both leftist philosophers.
This has been on my mind a lot lately and I had no idea that it had a name.
Everything I know about what Jesus taught can roughly be summed up as:
- person asks Jesus very specific question
- Jesus responds with obscure, abstract story about a related situation
And it blows me away that millions of people think “oh yeah, Jesus gave us so many clear cut rules to follow!” when in actuality he said like 2 things that were not obfuscated by a parable, including:
- The most important thing to do is love me and to love each other and yourself equally (Matthew 22:37-40)
- By loving each other you love me (Matthew 25:35-40)
At least, that’s what I can remember about what he said from my time going to Sunday school. If I’m misremembering something, please let me know but otherwise I’m convinced that evangelicals desperately want me to think that Jesus was far whiter and far more hateful than he actually was
Me reading my bibble, currently at the well worn section where god talks about ass play
Romans 1:27 (I suspect that dude would use KJV):
And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet.
Sounds awesome actually.
the natural use of the woman
That is the only thing I took away from that excerpt. Religious people are fucking freaks, and not in the cool kink way.
Tbf, it does seem like this phrasing is not quite the norm (you can compare here) but also yeah, the King James Version is especially freaky in many ways.
Fuck that’s a alot of different translations. I knew there were a few but not that many. Like holy shit how the fuck Christians can still pretend their religion is cohesive at all is beyond me.
“Thete is only one true God and Jesus was the Messiah but not a single one of us can decide what our religion actually means. But believe in our God because he’s the correct one.”
The old catholic church was kinda right for keeping it to Latin; except you know we proles shouldn’t have to learn a dead language to read the book we’re supposed to follow.
I remember my pastor growing up talking about the use of “basket” in one of the mass feeding event’s Jesus did. From what he said, the Greek says they started with something like 5 small baskets of food, fed 5000, then had 10 big laundry hamper sized baskets left over. Its lost in English, because KJV just used “basket” for both without any modifier.
Anyway, NIV is probably the best for 99% of modern readers.
The version I have an use is the NIV and it’s just because my wife is Christian and said it’s probably the best as well lol. At her church, it’s funny because there is a trend that the preacher and the elders tend to refer to the Latin and Greek translations a bit when teaching but also a lot of people there have their preferred version so it throws you off when trying to follow along.
Kind of curious if you are referring to the "loves and “fishes” story and maybe it originally read that Jesus handed out a bunch of fish from baskets but later got bastardized to him feeding 5000 from just a single basket of fish and bread or whatever.
Wait until they learn about King James’ rectum.
These men deliberately forfeited the truth of God and accepted a lie, paying homage and giving service to the creature instead of to the Creator, who alone is worthy to be worshipped for ever and ever, amen. God therefore handed them over to disgraceful passions. Their women exchanged the normal practices of sexual intercourse for something which is abnormal and unnatural. Similarly the men, turning from natural intercourse with women, were swept into lustful passions for one another. Men with men performed these shameful horrors, receiving, of course, in their own personalities the consequences of sexual perversity.
As a good Christian I’m gonna cherry pick and choose the Phillips traduction. Anal sex is a gift from god bestowed on us and from there all kinks came.
And it seems that God blessed orgy was amazing
Just Bible Things, ya know.
On second thought…
Reminds me of some christian lady reading some tantalizing description of various sex acts on campus to protest sinners, and students just gathered around and cheering and hollering for the sex lol
i’m so confused. does she somehow think she’s cooking? are usamerican evangelicals genuinely this insane? how has she been allowed to preach this shit on a university campus for long enough that a crowd has formed before security got there? how tf does she know what pegging is?
oh i dunno… we had a crazy preacher guy that stood out in front of the campus library most days spewing hate and disgust… they just let them do it… most people just ignore them
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
My ANAL SEX = PROLAPSED RECTUM shirt has a lot of people asking me questions already answered by my shirt.
Dude just had the most rotten luck on his first time, but then decided to spread that fact around in a bruh moment.
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It’s maybe metaphorically meant. IE: The same way someone lusting, but not acting on the lust, would “suffer within”.
Either way its either religious cope or outdated medical advice (even at the time iirc but I’m not up on 3000 year old anal sex techniques).
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the rainbow coloring of the equals sign has destroyed its recognizability, so it looks like he’s just advertising anal sex
hey Dave,
just checking in to see how the crowd-strike is going. Nancy and I are out in Nantucket for the weekend to take out the boat plus Ashleigh wanted to tour a couple colleges while we’re out here. But I wanted to let you know that Jack, Tom, and the whole management team are really rooting for you this weekend and appreciate you putting the time to get to us up and running by Monday.
Mark
Sent from my iPhone
in the sequel to Inglorious Basterds they tattoo this email onto Mark’s forehead
He is the prolapsed rectum
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I feel like their obsession with gay sex is more telling on them than anything else.
Like you know this guy just repeats over and over to himself that you will get a prolapsed rectum if you have anal sex so he isn’t tempted to do it.Overhearing someone at a loud party describing what a pride flag is, and then designing my homophobe pride shirt
