I fuck myself over by sharing things I don’t need to, and being too honest regarding those things. Sucks that it took this for me to finally learn my lesson. I’ve really fucked myself over this way.

Couple months ago I was sent $4K by someone who just wanted me to be happy. I had literally never in my entire life had money to spend like that. It was a once in a lifetime kind of thing—I know that all too well now.

I almost bought a really fucking nice Jeep Grand Cherokee, with tags good for a whole year, already passed DEQ. Then I listened to a friend who said I should buy a car made by a Japanese company (Honda, Toyota, etc.). So the opportunity passed and never repeated itself. It was only $1,700.

I didn’t spend it all on drugs. I spent maybe a quarter of it just helping my friends out—I sent $400 to an old friend who’s homeless in Austin, TX; I ordered a fuck ton of DoorDash for my friends and I.

I also wasted a lot of it. I’d go buy something stupid, break it or lose it and buy another one. I was careless.

I loved being, for a brief moment in time, like my friends who have seemingly endless money either from rich parents or ripping off Uncle Sam.

It’s my dream to be some sort of content creator—I’ve always had a thing for writing that’s never been executed beyond just like, a private hobby. Like an old friend of mine who draws and makes art and doesn’t really show anyone. Making videos or whatever, too. That’d be cool. Then I can live off Patreon (even if it isn’t much, I’d still be happy—the things I hate about being homeless aren’t the being homeless part, per se).

I believe I deserve a second chance and I know that if I were given one, I would be way more responsible.

But that’s never going to happen. Everyone knows what a fuck up I am now and as winter approaches, I’m legit scared.

I’m sorry.

I’m not trying to fuel my drug abuse and party and shit (tbh right now I don’t even need money for that bahaha). Meth is fucking lame and I hate it anyways.

I just want my knees to stop hurting like fuck whenever I stand up and sit down. I want this brain fog I get from not eating to clear. I want a cozy sleeping bag, clean clothes and facial cleanser. I want to fill in these sunken cheeks and smooth this dry nasty skin. I want to be able to just chill and read or sew or something instead of trying to find breakfast at 4PM. I just want to have a life again.

  • Cammy [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    36·
    3 months ago

    We’re not sick of you. Capitalism is really fucked up and anybody here could be made homeless or hungry as the markets shift to create artificial scarcity.

    I’m sick of these systems harming people and I’m sick of societal indifference, but I was never sick of you or you talking about what you’re going through.

    I wish the world was better and I hope to be in a place where I can support you in more than just words.

  • Skeleton_Erisma [they/them, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
    24·
    3 months ago

    One of my goals when my bus driver job settles in is helping out more in this com. Hb is great and I love y’all tho I’ve been financially hand to mouth in the meantime so sometimes I ask for aid but I mostly bump in the aid section.

    No one should feel like a burden for needing assistance

    meow-hug

  • large_goblin [he/him, comrade/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    21·
    3 months ago

    I have to jump through so many hoops to send cash to US comrades so I can’t help with day to day stuff.

    However - and you can tell me if I’m out of line here - have you considered creating an amazon wishlist on a burner account and sharing it here? That way you definitely get the specific goods you need without worrying about money management. Stuff like the sleeping bag and clothes you mentioned.

    • the_itsb [she/her, comrade/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
      12·
      3 months ago

      this is something I’d be able to help more with, too

      I get occasional help from a rich relative who lets me use their card for medical stuff, grocery stores, and Amazon (we live in a rural area an hour-plus away from big stores) – I could totally slip a few orders in for someone else

      • allthetimesivedied [they/them, she/her]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
        18·
        3 months ago

        True facts people first started sending me money because they liked my posts/tweets about being homeless and shit. I keep forgetting that a lot of things that are banal to me are really fucking interesting to normies—just blogging about my life would draw an audience. I haven’t been doing that lately—I’ve become more withdrawn than ever before and that’s likely a major aspect of what’s hurting me.

      • take_five_seconds [he/him, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
        12·
        3 months ago

        that’s why i do it. i don’t post anything but i take short videos a few times a day just talking about my thoughts and what’s going on. i even try to get stylish sometimes like i would post them but i don’t because for me that’s not the point.

  • infuziSporg [e/em/eir]@hexbear.netEnglish
    6·
    3 months ago

    Ever since you’ve turned over a new leaf with your current account, I haven’t seen anything objectionable at all from you. And even the stuff your old account got a bad reputation for, in terms of how shitty people can be in the grand scheme of things, is not even all that bad.

    Several months ago I was trying to arrange to get a meal delivered to you, I had a massive executive dysfunction block and then my savings ran low, but I still feel a pang about that and I leave one of the messages marked as unread as a reminder.

    Everybody deserves 4 walls to call their own, a bed, a desk, a chair, a lamp, a laptop, and a bicycle. And ideally a job that can turn 20 hours per week of labor into an adequate living. It’s one of my ambitions to provide this as a baseline, first for comrades and then for everyone.

    There have been times of my life when I had a fulfilling existence with all my expenses totalling $500 a month. When you have a home with a working kitchen and bathroom, and a bike, you can feed yourself from raw/whole foods, generate way less waste (as little as 1 grocery bag a month), and not have to worry so much about hygiene. Without having to pay rent to a landlord, 500 a month in some contexts could turn into luxury. But it’s a long road to get the land and structures and social relations required for this.

    I have harbored homeless people in my home, and kept others from being homeless, probably at least a dozen times. I’ve even reached out to people sight unseen about it, including people on this site, and it’s often been a rewarding experience. Every time I see a post of yours (including creamsicleposting), I think about how difficult it would be to accommodate you, unless I was further along in acquiring resources. If I knew that offering you a bus ticket here and a roof over your head would work out, I’d do it, but I’m broke right now and my “help people get a handle on life” role hasn’t been very fruitful at all over the past year.