So I’m watching TV just now, and there are times I forget to fast forward through commercials. The one I keep seeing, watching the same show is this commercial for Walmart.
This woman comes into a coffee shop. One of those real small town coffee shops where they have like 8 tables and that’s IT. There’s snow on the ground, there’s holiday music playing, and I SWEAR I recognize this woman. I can’t place it, but I SWEAR I used to see her all the time on TV in the 90s. I just can’t figure out from what.
Anyways, she comes into the coffee shop and says “COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!!!” and the coffee shop owner pulls out a massive box. Like I’m fairly sure you can hide half a body in this box.
And she opens it up, and it’s a tiny box inside, that’s a coffee maker.
And she says something like “Aw, you shouldn’t have.” And the coffee shop owner says “I had to. You were drinking me out of business!”
Ok. There’s a LOT going on in that first 15 seconds. I have so many questions. First of all…what the fuck Walmart? You shipped that tiny little coffee maker in a 3 foot tall box filled with paper padding inside. I’m fairly sure you killed a tree just to ship a $20 coffee maker. Or maybe the coffee maker is expensive. I have zero confidence in my ability to identify value in coffee makers. Maybe it cost $20. Maybe it cost $400. Who’s to say? Certainly not me! I’d be TERRIBLE if I were on the Price is Right, and I had to bid on a coffee maker. I’d probably just bid $1 and hope for the best. In any event, this box inside the box is tiny, but the coffee shop owner pulls it up like he’s risking a hernia just by handling it without a two person lift. I like to imagine it’s not so much that it’s heavy, but rather that it’s ludicrously awkward to handle this box. Hey! Walmart! Ship your shit in size appropriate boxes with size appropriate padding, and stop killing trees! Or one day, these trees are going to become animated, and self aware, and then we’re all fucked! Tree monsters just fucking all our shit up! I can’t have my apartment destroyed because you don’t have any empathy for the USPS! I need my apartment! That’s where I keep all my stuff! And I have some cool stuff!
Then there’s the fact that this coffee shop owner doesn’t seem to understand how business works. See, if she’s buying coffee regularly, you SHOULD be making profit each time she does. That’s the core concept of business! If you go to business school, that should be like day one stuff! Day one should be like “Ok students, take your seats. Today you’ll learn what money is! See this green stuff? That’s money! Unless we’re in Canada, in which case we have monopoly colored money with old women on it. Don’t worry about it. It spends almost just the same. Now if we’re in Mexico, then we’re all fucked because the Peso is basically worthless, and even if it weren’t the drug cartels pretty much run this country anyways. In fact, why are you here if this is Mexico? Just make every attempt you can to leave Mexico before starting a business.”
That should be what day one IS in business school. Introducing you to the concept of money, and how to get it. So I have to assume this coffee shop owner GETS that, and so there has to be something more to this situation. So my thought process is that this woman comes in everyday, and is INCREDIBLY rude. This is a real Karen. I mean she comes in and says “COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!!!”. Most people would come in and say “Hi Dan! How ARE you??? GREAT! I’ll have a coffee please!” Instead, this bitch just comes in like COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!!! And these two have a history. It goes waaaaaaaay back. She’s been coming into this shop for years. Every morning she comes in, demands coffee like a bitch, and every morning this shop owner dreams of strangling her. The only thing keeping him from doing it is the fact that it would be murder which is illegal in that city.
And so he goes home every single night, and complains about this bitch to his wife, who quite frankly is sick of hearing of her. It’s been 12 years of nightly complaints about the same thing…she needed a break. So she’s been spending a LOT more time at the gym. She just got a new personal trainer, that’s been bending her over backwards. Which exhausts her, and that’s why she has headaches every night now. At least that’s what she tells her husband. Or at least she would if he’d ever shut up about the bitch at the coffee shop. So finally she just blurts out “OH MY GOD IF YOU THINK ABOUT HER SO MUCH, WHY DON’T YOU JUST GET HER A CHRISTMAS PRESENT???”
And this guy is kind of dumb, so he takes the suggestion at face value. Yeah, if I get her a coffee maker, maybe she won’t come into the shop anymore…
So he orders one from Walmart. Gets it shipped overnight, and she walks out carrying this box looking smug. But then…the coffee shop owner FOLLOWS HER INTO THE CITY!!! THEN HE LEANS IN FOR A KISS, BUT SHE REJECTS HIM!!! THEN THEY BOTH LOOK INTO THE SKY DURING THE DAYTIME AS IF THEY’RE STAR GAZING!!!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??? Are they now a Raychel and Ross sort of thing??? Is he thinking they’re an item, and she’s still mad for what he did??? WHAT DID HE DO???
This commercial is like 30 seconds, and has so much unresolved context. I need to know. Are these two going to fuck or not???
Your review cracked my ass up lol.
I just had to look up the commercial and I think I have some context for you.
Link: https://youtu.be/E3WlMeGHxcM
This commercial features the main characters from the 2000s tv show Gilmore Girls. The woman in the commercial in the main protagonist (one of her many quirky traits is that she drinks coffee like it’s water) and the man in the commercial is “Luke”, the owner of a local diner who is the love interest of the woman. Over the course of the show, those two fall in love and get together (so she’s likely getting free coffee from the diner, but that’s not explicitly shown in the commercial).
All that aside, you’re right that this commercial makes no friggin sense. Your review is even funnier to me because of how much more bizarre this commercial is without any kind of context.
One part you didn’t address is the stargazing at the end
(My guess is there was a scrapped shot of a big Christmas tree)
You’re right and I owe you more context. I apologize.
Again, it’s not a good ad. I can’t stress that enough.
That said… another piece of lore about Gilmore Girls is that the main character (“Lorelai”) loves snow (in particular, the first snow of the season, but that’s not consequential for this ad).
If I can guess, I think the geniuses at Walmart were trying to show Lorelai admiring the snow starting to fall, then Luke walks up beside her because he is her beau. That’s legit the only sense I can piece together for why they’re both posing for the camera at the end.
Now listen, we’ve wasted more time talking about this commercial than Walmart merits. I’m doing this because I appreciate you as a being, and NOT because the commercial is due for this kind of analysis. I also have to admit that I’m disappointed in myself for even knowing this much about a show that’s mediocre at best (and had one horribly disappointing final seasons). Thank you for awakening that feeling in me.
Let me know if I can illuminate you about any other Gilmore Girls facts (like the fact that the delivery man in the beginning of the ad is “Kirk”, another quirky resident of the Gilmore Girls-verse).
Happy Holidays and if you need to shop for anymore gifts, please choose anywhere but Walmart.
I remember my sister watching Gilmore Girls when it was new and always kinda liked how they talked but couldn’t actually watch it because, ya know, it was a GIRL show and I was a BOY! So I appreciate this breakdown both because it reminded me of a silly childhood thing and because I think it’s funny/fun to overanalyze simple things.
Another cool thing about this interaction is that I completely forgot it was even a Walmart commercial. And I will surely forget again by tomorrow so it’s just “that Gilmore Girls commercial”
I guess you could say it was a GLIMSE…into your childhood!
:D
…oh wait, this isn’t /c/dadjokes.
Hey I’ll take it lol
This commercial features the main characters from the 2000s tv show Gilmore Girls
Ah, that makes more sense. She’s “drinking him out of business” because she usually just leaves without paying.
I’ve seen commercials like this before and this is always the thought in my head to the writers.
I was thinking the poster is a bit unhinged
I mean aren’t we all? At least OP is unhinged in a way I can relate to somewhat.
This reminds of that weird folger christmas incest commercial. It became so famous SNL did a skit on it.
I forgot about that commercial! I ABSOLUTELY made a rant on reddit at the time of that one.
Seriously…what the hell???
Cocaine’s a helluva drug
I had a very similar complaint until my wife explained it makes total sense with the context of Gilmore Girls
My daughter just started watching Gilmore Girls, so I’m watching much of it for the 5th time. One of the best written TV shows in history.
Really? Anytime I hear it when my wife is watching it just sounds like super fast talking that is just complaining and arguing.
There’s a very specific Gillmore cadence. But it’s a show that requires attention. You can’t do other things and have a successful Gilmore experience. It helps if you are of a certain age as there are so many pop-culture references.
For my straight male friends I say “come for Lauren Graham, stay for the excellent writing.”
It only makes sense in the context of the Gilmore Girls. The lady and coffee shop owner are banging. He just bought her a present.
It’s in your head, you remembered what it was advertising
Sounds stellar
Love it. Thanks for the laugh!
This could be a copypasta
Remember, commercials are based on the slice of viewership that actually watches them or forgets to get rid of them as they pop in by whatever means.
I just want to add my own thing that commercials now feel very much like from movies that revolved around a dystopian capitalist future in the 80’s and 90’s.
