Helping her develop coping skills. These cannot come from you, but from her. You just help maintain and adjust home life to them. They can look like…problem: never being able to find what she is looking for. Solution: things get one place they are allowed to go and that is where it lives (eg: shoes by the door, pencil/pen in a drawer or bucket, keys on a keyring by the door, tools in a toolbox). Hell, I’ve found my keys in the fridge before. I can’t tell you how much it drives me nuts not being able to find my tools and then my kids used them and left them in their rooms.
Sometimes these coping mechanisms are socially-based. Sitting down at the same time in a designated spot everyday to do homework with someone else until it’s done (enough for the day). That used to be me for my kids, now it’s a friend who is also ADHD whom they worked out a method that works for both of them. Some of the things seem silly, but matter greatly, like the environment that something is done in being very important in helping guide that focus. Again, let her guide that, because it varies by person. She may want something on in the background like music or a show. Let that happen, but it shouldn’t be a visual distraction or need any sort of constant maintenance to continue (eg: a playlist, not being able to see the screen, but can hear a familiar show playing, not one that she hasn’t seen before). Ask her and let her guide it, but help ensure that the visual stimulus or the need to keep queuing up a new song isn’t there.
Elementary and maybe even middle school tends to be easier for ADHD kids, then they hit a wall in middle/high school when the class structure changes. Meet with the school counselor and (US specific) set up a 504 plan asap (accomodations outside school policy). This can be the ability to take breaks, listen to music in class, being able to take a test in a different environment (such as without other kids in a library or office), have more time for test-taking. This is something she will also need to decide.
You may be hesitant about stimulants and other ADHD meds, but for many ADHD people, they are life-changing. It feels like getting your life back after it was taken away, so they are worth exploring. They aren’t all limited to stimulants and can be safer for younger children such as guanfacine/intuniv. Even with stimulants such as methylphenidate derivatives, these meds can help regulate many things other than just “attention”. They can help with maintaining sleep schedules and often are found to be more effective at regulating mood than typical depression meds like SSRIs.
The struggles to fit into a world not built for ADHD people can be a major contributor to depression. It makes me think of myself and others as addicts searching for their next fix of dopamine at times. If you don’t help regulate this, she WILL develop other methods to do this: alternative stimulants such as caffeine and nicotine or escape methods such as social media, video games, tv, fiction stories. When she hits middle school, you’ve lost the battle and she will have access to these things through other kids. It’s part of why you see some ADHD people turn to cigarettes/vapes or drinking caffeine from the beginning of the day until they go to bed. These low levels of stimulants help them regulate everything going on in their head and function in a world not built to accommodate them. When we can’t do that, many of us turn to methods to escape reality or get small rewards-based dopamine fixes. You will not be able to eliminate all of these alternatives that can become pitfalls and unhealthy, but you can help her get meds that fill the same need so those other things don’t become actual problems and can be consumed in a healthy way.
There is little you can probably say to help her besides just listening to her, maybe show her this post to start? There is a lot you can do to hurt her and her image of herself that will seem innocuous to you or might be said in frustration. I suggest reading through what others have said about what they are told. The most recent thing for me was having a boss say he believed ADHD was over diagnosed and overhyped these days when I was trying to let him know I was ADHD and how he could use that to the benefit of both of us. This was coming from someone with a child on the autism spectrum, so not something I expected. My mother unintentionally hurt me by trying to encourage me when I was young, saying that I could do and accomplish anything I wanted. This was kind, but when reality hits and I struggle to do seemingly simple things or live up to her great expectations that were not real and only built up in my mind through my youth, it leaves me with a deep sense of shame.
The best thing you can do is listen to her and let her know you accept her for who she is and what she chooses to do with her life and that you will love her regardless of anything she does or does not accomplish in life. Let her know that your love is not tied to her worth as society (school, work, movies, fiction) defines it and that those societal expectations are not realistic to human existence. When she comes to you to show-off something she is proud of her work on, let her know you are proud of her for that work too.
Helping her develop coping skills. These cannot come from you, but from her. You just help maintain and adjust home life to them. They can look like…problem: never being able to find what she is looking for. Solution: things get one place they are allowed to go and that is where it lives (eg: shoes by the door, pencil/pen in a drawer or bucket, keys on a keyring by the door, tools in a toolbox). Hell, I’ve found my keys in the fridge before. I can’t tell you how much it drives me nuts not being able to find my tools and then my kids used them and left them in their rooms.
Sometimes these coping mechanisms are socially-based. Sitting down at the same time in a designated spot everyday to do homework with someone else until it’s done (enough for the day). That used to be me for my kids, now it’s a friend who is also ADHD whom they worked out a method that works for both of them. Some of the things seem silly, but matter greatly, like the environment that something is done in being very important in helping guide that focus. Again, let her guide that, because it varies by person. She may want something on in the background like music or a show. Let that happen, but it shouldn’t be a visual distraction or need any sort of constant maintenance to continue (eg: a playlist, not being able to see the screen, but can hear a familiar show playing, not one that she hasn’t seen before). Ask her and let her guide it, but help ensure that the visual stimulus or the need to keep queuing up a new song isn’t there.
Elementary and maybe even middle school tends to be easier for ADHD kids, then they hit a wall in middle/high school when the class structure changes. Meet with the school counselor and (US specific) set up a 504 plan asap (accomodations outside school policy). This can be the ability to take breaks, listen to music in class, being able to take a test in a different environment (such as without other kids in a library or office), have more time for test-taking. This is something she will also need to decide.
You may be hesitant about stimulants and other ADHD meds, but for many ADHD people, they are life-changing. It feels like getting your life back after it was taken away, so they are worth exploring. They aren’t all limited to stimulants and can be safer for younger children such as guanfacine/intuniv. Even with stimulants such as methylphenidate derivatives, these meds can help regulate many things other than just “attention”. They can help with maintaining sleep schedules and often are found to be more effective at regulating mood than typical depression meds like SSRIs.
The struggles to fit into a world not built for ADHD people can be a major contributor to depression. It makes me think of myself and others as addicts searching for their next fix of dopamine at times. If you don’t help regulate this, she WILL develop other methods to do this: alternative stimulants such as caffeine and nicotine or escape methods such as social media, video games, tv, fiction stories. When she hits middle school, you’ve lost the battle and she will have access to these things through other kids. It’s part of why you see some ADHD people turn to cigarettes/vapes or drinking caffeine from the beginning of the day until they go to bed. These low levels of stimulants help them regulate everything going on in their head and function in a world not built to accommodate them. When we can’t do that, many of us turn to methods to escape reality or get small rewards-based dopamine fixes. You will not be able to eliminate all of these alternatives that can become pitfalls and unhealthy, but you can help her get meds that fill the same need so those other things don’t become actual problems and can be consumed in a healthy way.
There is little you can probably say to help her besides just listening to her, maybe show her this post to start? There is a lot you can do to hurt her and her image of herself that will seem innocuous to you or might be said in frustration. I suggest reading through what others have said about what they are told. The most recent thing for me was having a boss say he believed ADHD was over diagnosed and overhyped these days when I was trying to let him know I was ADHD and how he could use that to the benefit of both of us. This was coming from someone with a child on the autism spectrum, so not something I expected. My mother unintentionally hurt me by trying to encourage me when I was young, saying that I could do and accomplish anything I wanted. This was kind, but when reality hits and I struggle to do seemingly simple things or live up to her great expectations that were not real and only built up in my mind through my youth, it leaves me with a deep sense of shame.
The best thing you can do is listen to her and let her know you accept her for who she is and what she chooses to do with her life and that you will love her regardless of anything she does or does not accomplish in life. Let her know that your love is not tied to her worth as society (school, work, movies, fiction) defines it and that those societal expectations are not realistic to human existence. When she comes to you to show-off something she is proud of her work on, let her know you are proud of her for that work too.