Could barely talk a year ago. I was very depressed and lonely. Have went to stay at psychiatric clinics a couple of times. Only just recently got out again, but this time it was shorter than usua, only a couple of days. I’ve made some progress and now i can actually form a coherent sentence. Still incredibly afraid to talk to people. Still, after all this time I really don’t know the basics of social interaction How do you initiate a conversation with someone? How do you make friends?
As someone who would identify as being in your position about 5 years ago, I’ll still say regular group activities, hobby meetups (and volunteering if you have time/ability) are the best things. Joining a local walking group and board game group was a real turning point for me - Just getting used to people in a very casual context, with an activity to focus around, was great.
I was basically unable to converse (it literally took me a week of agonising over making a ‘casual enough’ text asking to join), and after about a year of going every few weeks, I improved to just “kinda bad” at conversing, which has been such a life-changing step up. I started feeling able to start basic conversations with strangers, I actively engage and reach out to more people/organisations/events to thrust myself into social situations. And every now and then people actually express a desire to talk with me which is mind-bogglingly flattering.
I think there’s plenty of luck still. If you can find one or two people who are good at starting conversations with you, then you can slowly steal their techniques and use them on others.
Making long term friends is still hard, but these things are the best (though imperfect) solutions I’ve found. I think you just have to keep trying? I’m not sure. I’ve made a couple long-term friends online with games and niche wikis, but there’s no denying: It’s super hard. I’m still looking for better ways myself.
I know it’s always said but absolutely hobbies, if you have a games shop near you they might run a D&D or other ttrpg game you can join, and expensive to get into but warhammer(some places do run games where you can use store models, free mini painting class etc) just by playing you’ll naturally get into conversations and seeing the same people repeatedly you’ll naturally develop friendships
Education is another big one, don’t worry about if you’re ‘too old’, find a community college or adult learning center take a course on something you’re interested in and students will naturally talk to eachother and often(and if no one else does you should start it) there’ll be a group chat to swap notes etc, after a little while when you’ve are relatively comfortable with at least some of the others suggest a social outting like drinks or food
Similarly volunteering is also a good way, especially something where you’d be manning a kiosk/desk with another person with so with all the downtime you’ll talk and hopefully click
I personally don’t have any experience with it, but thought I mention because I haven’t seen any one else comment on it but I assume amateur team sports would be a fast track to getting in a friend group, but only if that’s your thing don’t force yourself to do something you don’t like
the big thing is cast a wide net and don’t get discouraged if you don’t instantly become best friends with someone on your first outting, just by seeing the same people often enough, being friendly and having a good attitude relationships will naturally form and friendships will eventually blossom
I’ve met some cool people when I joined a leftist group in my area on FB and went to the “meetup” at the park. You could probably also try some hobby groups like DnD or board games or whatever you are interested in.
Meeting new people organically is just super hard after you leave a school system and you just kind of have to force yourself in to situations where you can meet someone.
Edit: Also don’t stress to much about the way you are “supposed to” act and what you should or should not say, when you meet someone compatible it will just click, don’t overthink it.
Big agree. Go to a meetup for an activity you enjoy, there it’s easy to start by talking surface-level conversations about the hobby (also, in the case of dnd or some board games, a lot of people there are already less socially competent than average (that includes myself)).
I was reading Unmasking Autism and they said that autistic people have found friendship and support in fandoms because those kinds of spaces are a little more relaxed when it comes to social rules.
Big agree on hobby groups or taking up a class of something where you have to interact with people like dancing or something like that. I forget what the phrase is, but it pretty much says that seeing someone often enough in a chill environment will likely make them feel closer to you.
It also helps that it’s a group dynamic so you could have a great variety of people to click with some of them.
Beats me, I left all my friends behind when I moved as a teen
On Hexbear you have dozens of friends with hundreds of alts
I quite literally talk at people until I’m a mainstay in their life and they forget there ever was a life without me in it. I dnow where i get the energy but basically it boils down to find someone with similar interests through small talk then ramp up the blah blah, invite for lunch, blah some more, invite for dinner, blah some more, exchange numbers, test the water with a few small memes, blah some more. Then i find more people and then i make them all blah at each other, then we play counter strike as a team bonding exercise then blah some more
Helps to be in an environment where you see the person often either work or volunteering or hobby groups. Making friends online is a bit harder cos there’s no reason to see the person again so it might just go dark one day. Also shared memories in a common environment go a long way i still riff on the same tired old events with my school friends to this day.
Might help to find some people to practice talking with online maybe. Engage in megathreads here or a person to dm about common interests may go a long way to build up confidence. Confidence begets more confidence until you get a big head like me.
Its also possible that everyone thinks I’m obnoxious and hates me but what I don’t know can’t hurt me
I don’t know. Like even if you go to some hobby meetup or social event and talk to people there, turning that superficial temporary connection into a longer-lasting friendship seems almost impossible. Like I just want to hang out with people, shoot the shit. Being outside and doing stuff is too expensive, especially in the winter when you can’t just be outside.
Shared hobbies mostly. It took me 7 years to find a genuine friend where i am now.
Skatepark, the cool thing is i can go and shoot the shit with people for a couple hours then disappear and go back to being a loner
Eavesdrop and butt in on other people’s conversations.
lol? I mean if you’re already friends with at least one of them this might work but if you’re already struggling socially I don’t think this would work very well
Lol well yes, use your best judgement. But if you see people regularly, as in, you commute in the same space every morning, or in my case, sit quietly while your kids do dance for 45 min every week, at some point you can just inject yourself into the conversation. You’re not a total stranger at that point.
inpatient rehab and NA worked for me but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that path unless you’re struggling with addiction, but the larger point there is that anything where you’re gathering with the same groups of people organized around a singular focus has potential. hobby and interest groups/meetups/clubs work for this because you have at least one thing in common off the bat to ground conversations. from there it’s a process of familiarity and feeling people out which can be onerous but is ultimately worth the effort.
