Something I’ve never been that great at is spontaneous conversation. I’m more than capable of public speaking if I’ve prepared something in advance. But if someone asks me something out of the blue, I really struggle to engage in deep conversation. Afterwards I’ll think to myself damn, why didn’t I bring up X or Y?
Half the time I don’t know what to add and I struggle to think of what to say. Sometimes words feel like they’re on the tip of my tongue and I can’t get them out, especially when I’m under pressure. And in group conversations, I find it hard to interject when I do think of a point. By the time a natural break comes along, the conversation has moved on.
I’d love to get better at this. What can I do to improve?
Conversations are more about listening than talking. I suggest reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People” for a more in depth overview. Essentially, become genuinely interested in the person you are talking to.
Try to understand them. Try to figure out what is important to them and ask questions with these interests in mind. By being interested and asking questions that the other person wants to answer, they will do a majority of the talking and will feel like you are a great conversationalist.
Of course, sometimes this is easier said than done… and it must be done genuinely. You must be genuinely interested. There are subconscious cues you communicate when you are interested in someone, and everybody loves being the focus of someone else’s deep and genuine attention.
Once you’ve done this and built up rapport, then you can give personal anecdotes or get to your sales pitch or what have you.
Some other general tips are - speak slowly! Don’t go overboard obviously but slower is more confident and puts people at ease. Say the other person’s name when appropriate. Everybody loves the sound of their own name. Compliment people on things you genuinely appreciate. Nobody likes flattery but everyone likes being appreciated.
I think I’m quite good at asking questions, but when it comes back the other way my mind often goes blank. It could be that I don’t perform well under pressure, so maybe I need more practice with that. Speaking slowly is a good suggestion - I find myself speaking way too fast when I want to get a point out.
Sometimes I can turn that around and say something like “I’m not sure, what about you?”. I think often people just ask us about a topic because they want to say something about it.