This might sound harsh but honestly atleast my life is really underwhelming, no matter what I try.
I have a wife, 2 dogs, an own house but a decently large debt for the house so I actually dont own it yet and a job I love (nightshift nurse)
It feels like I fckd everything up.
10 years ago my wife and I were in South East Asia, traveling,… now? I have to take care of the house, pay my credit, work
Its not the same going to Thailand only 2 weeks a year. I know many ppl cant afford it but I need that escape.
While my life isnt actually bad it just is bland though. I dont do anything other than play Video games, take care of house and dogs, watch movies, cook stuff…
But where is the excitement?
I quit going to gym, I think I should do that but I catch myself esther staring at the wall than searching for a nearby gym.
As a night nurse I have so much time in the day I would like to barista at a cafe but Im too scared to start that.
I would like to play Board games but my friends rather drink alcohol in Clubs and the next DND or Boardgame groups are 40 minutes by car.
See hpw confused I am I cant even structure this post properly.
I know money isn everything but Id travel the world, give my house away to rent, buy a new smaller house in a few years, do more sport, … somehow it feels life is behind a huge paywall and I have enough to have a decent life.
If I go to Thailand next year I have thoughts in my head like: “This money could be used to pay credit debt instead, or yard stuff, kitchen supply,…” With money I could enjoy it more
But where is the excitement?
Don’t know your age but I think this is what mid life crisis is: people chasing excitement.
When you’re young and experiencing everything for the first time it’s exciting. Then it becomes routine and normal. The problem is when people keep chasing that excitement high forever. I think the solution to that is that you have to take joy in the little things in life.
I can also confirm, after having a job with an international organization where I moved to a new country every year or two for more than a decade, that this also becomes routine. The novelty associated with exploring loses its luster and it grows exhausting to have to make new friends, find new trusted services, and adapt to a new biome for yourself and your partner.
Additionally, if you just move to another country, you might like it more there for various reasons (I’ve lived in Thailand also, and it’s a pretty nice country), but eventually it just becomes the place you live and work and take care of your house and dogs. And there are drawbacks of living anywhere.
So I agree. I think OP is facing is an existential meaninglessness that will catch up to them no matter how far they run or how much of their life they burn down. Things like mindfulness, community, creative expression, humor, compassion, service, gratitude, hobbies, rituals, family, journaling, traditions and therapy might be able to help.
Im 31… dont think Im having a mlc yet?
Man I bought christmas decoration foe 80 euros and was excited to put it up yesterday, I dont think it can get smaller than that
You’re having a midlife crisis. Life sucks, your teenage years were a free trial, but you’ve been playing the game and realized it’s a big old turd sandwich structured to get less fun as time passes.
We all realize it at some point, some people earlier than others. Ultimately, you realize you can either have kids and get a distraction from the recent revelation or, you can suck it up, not have kids and realize it might not going to get much better and try dealing with the debt.
Wait until you hit your 40’s and you start seeing weight gain, joint pains and hairloss. And if you’re really lucky… erectile issues. Some of us see our crisis in our teens, just be happy you were able to stay oblivious as long as you were.
That said, I’m still chugging along knowing all this and I’ve learned it’s far easier to act happy, than be happy. So act happy, hell you might end up believing it.
I’m gonna have to strongly disagree… I have all those health issues, and they keep getting worse, I can’t remember the last time I had sex, I’ve got a massive shiny forehead where hair used to be, and so on. But actually, I am better off today than I was in my 30s and 40s and this is basically due to one reason: I’ve stopped putting pressure on myself on fulfilling the life that I thought I needed to have. I’ve spent so much time trying to do the "right thing“, especially as a father, but it turned out that all my worries and all the effort I’ve put into doing the right thing were unhealthy for me and life had its own plans anyway.
I realized that the world doesn’t really care about what I do and that lead to the realization that I can do whatever the fuck I want. So now, the pressure is relieved and I’m trying to focus on things I enjoy doing instead of chasing some life plan. I still have depressive phases, but not caring so much about things that I deemed super important a few years ago has made things much easier. Also I found that people have no power over you if you let them know you don’t care. You don’t need to pretend to be happy to anyone. You can choose just not to play their game of toxic positivity and enjoy being your own grumpy old self. I definitely do.
I’ve recently seen some statistics about perceived happiness by age distribution. Turns out, it’s sort of an inverted bell curve. People in your age group are feeling significantly worse off because the more positive youth experiences are still quite fresh while you’re not ready yet to adequately deal with the downsides of adulthood. This is a kind of midlife crisis. The good news is: It will get better, statistically.
And a more personal note from someone suffering from intermediate depressed states: It might not really help you right now, but there is a soothing realization in that most of the burden you are feeling right now is only in your head. A different state of mind is possible, but you’ll have to work on it. The big foggy cloud surrounding your head is not THE reality but your current perception of reality and that can be changed. Sometimes it helps to just get a different perspective, and you’ll get to that if you try new things that look even mildly interesting. Get out of your so-called comfort zone (which isn’t that comfortable anyway as you know by now) and do little things every day that you haven’t done before. Even if the specific things you are trying out might turn out to be a failure, you’ll discover other interesting things along the way. A word of warning… Don’t let anyone guilt trip you, if you try new things. Your environment usually doesn’t want you to change and that can be a problem, because if you change yourself your environment has to deal with that change too. So make sure you find people who support you as a human being, instead of just supporting your role as a good parent, employee or debtor. Also check for yourself if all the things you feel obligated to do have to be done in the exact way you are doing them right now. Maybe there are some adjustments to be made to gain more personal freedom, to get regular breaks from the chore in your daily life.
Good Luck!
Keep in mind, the popularization of the concept of a mid life crisis was a tiny piece of a man’s career that he thought was useless and unexciting. Sound familiar?
I’m older than you, and been through similar, and my life radically changed later (for the better now, I’m lucky), so things are different for me, but, my advice from me back then:
Excitement != Change
You need something new in your life. Your wife probably does to. If you feel like you’re in the right life situation, with her and yourself, do your best to throw yourself into something. Figuring that something out? Really hard.
For me/us, ripping the seats out of a minivan and building a folding bed, running water, etc, and using it to travel around to local trailheads or breweries and camp in random locations many weekends was just the thing. Even the experience of traveling to get a good deal on the van was new and fun.
Excitement doesn’t always come looking for you, but it’s still out there.
I don’t think you need to be in the middle of a mid life crisis for what I said to be true. Things that used to be exciting become routine and boring. The crisis in my mind is when someone keeps needing that high, keeps chasing that high. They keep buying new things, new car every 2 years, fancy trips, etc instead of appreciating the small things in life.
Mild to moderate depression. Pretty classic signs. Not getting enjoyment out of nice things (anhedonia), tiredness, difficulty getting yourself to do things even when you might like doing them, pessimism about the future, having difficulty thinking clearly, etc. These are all very common symptoms of depression.
Great! I can match myself to Op. I recognise your (brief) diagnosis. What’s the cure pleaee?
The best approach can be different for different people. I think a little googling will give you better advice than i could come up with. Good luck!
Might I suggest mania?
Sounds like some depression.
It seems like a little buyers remorse - the house and what it represents. There’s an adjustment going on and it’s not going well for you.
I’m going through something similar and I’m looking at your post feeling a little envious. A wife? Sounds good. I’m struggling just to make friends. A house? Wow. I’m renting a small room and had to buy a loft bed to make more space.
I’m definitely not saying this to make you feel better by comparing yourself to me.
It seems like you know that your life is good but that you’re not feeling it.
My life is definitely better than it was but I’m definitely feeling the absence of having someone close to me. I know that’s improving but it’s definitely not helping me feel better.
All I can do is try to focus on what I have and on what is going well. It’s really kinda awful because it doesn’t work well. The quiet moments are the worst.
I’m trying to change up a couple of things, such as adding in a few minutes of meditation and physical activity each day. Nothing too crazy, just something small.
Stop using social media to prevent FOMO. Use that time to start talks with random strangers outdoors.
Life is unsatisfactory.
It’s also a game and you’re free to play it how you want. Not playing by the same rules everyone else does can be fun sometimes.
maybe see a therapist on why you want to fill the gaping hole in your life with spending money. i was there once a long, long time ago. it turns out the person i was with was not doing it for me and the overt money spending… ‘experiences’ was covering it up.
i had to learn to appreciate the small things, garner new hobbies and change the people in my life. but ya gotta do the work
There’s a lot going on with this post, but it almost sounds like you feel your life is in a rut? You have a life that’s stuck going 20 on a 25mph street, it’s just feeling kind of mundane, is that it? I think I deal with a similar thing, though quite a different situation, I think alot of people deal with this. It’s hard to address it for others because we only know what you’ve written, but here’s some random advice I’d give:
- You don’t need the gym to get physically active, just start walking. Don’t try to go all out, just go for small bursts, whatever you have the time for. The important thing is to create a repeatable routine that you can commit to regularly. Once you’ve got the routine established, start building onto it as you get bored with it.
- D&D and other rpgs at least can be played online, you can just play via Roll20 if you find an online group to play with, there’s usually sites or Discord channels that advertise for groups looking for players. Our group switched to online games and we’re playing more now than we ever did pre-pandemic.
- Appreciate the mundane. It sounds dumb, but your life could always be worse. To you it seems boring, but you’re in an enviable position that alot of other people don’t have.
- Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith to get what you want, get out of your comfort zone. Do something impulsively, break the routine, start something new. Start a new hobby, learn some new skill, try something you might fail at, mix the shit up and see what happens. Just stop doing the same things that are making you feel like you’re in a rut.
At least you got into a relationship, have you own place and family. I bet I’m older than you and got nothing of that. You’re lucky
Edit:Yeah, you’re younger. Dude I’m a failed virgin without a place and can’t drive, you can do a lot worse
It sounds like you’re feeling unsatisfied with your current life and what you spend money on, and that you have a lot of ideas for what you could enjoy more but you have a hard time getting started.
Completely changing your life is hard, and you probably won’t go 0 to “move to thailand” in one day, especially not if you are lacking energy. You might need to start with smaller things. Do just one of the smaller things you think you might enjoy. Go to the gym once. Have a board game night once. Spend the 40 minutes on getting to a DND group once. Then keep doing small things that make you happier or bring you closer to something that does.
Also, if you like going to thailand, and don’t like yardwork or getting kitchen supplies etc, budget accordingly. Do the mimimal spend you can on yard stuff. It’s OK to not like that. Talk to your wife and find a compromise budget if you need to.
I guess it depends on the individual. I in no way want more excitement. I want to not have to worry about the future. I would be a much happier camper if my country did universal health care although I would still worry about falling into proverty with only a bit of bad luck.
Do one thing every day that scares you
I hear you.
Many will likely parse this as hidden depression or an unhappy marriage or a need to find a hobby or something.
I feel like it’s deeper. The whole urban grind lifestyle just doesn’t work for some. They feel the prison bars on their skin. They’re wired for movement and novelty and exploration. And I think that’s perfectly fine. To be celebrated even.
Moreover, I think we’re all like that a bit but find it hard to question modern life which for all of its material gains is, IMO, unnaturally keen to lock people into highly repetitive rhythms and constraining obligations.
We all want to relax and have fun, but someone 100s of years ago decided “fuck that shit, earn me some money” and now we all are being ground to dust in the wheels of capitalism.
This might be harsh, but … You need a better attitude towards life. You’re too scared to do things you say you want to do (barista) or can’t be arsed to do them (40 min by car, really?). Do you have anyone in your life who would give you honest advice? Find them and listen to them.
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Yes, debt can chain a person to years of grind.
I mean I dont even think thats the issue.
If I wouldnt pay the Bank my credit Id be paying the same amount to some random person just to have a roof above my head.
Atleast the debt ends some day, while if I were renting it would be neverending.
Plus my credit debt is only 900 Euro a month, about 250 Euro more than my old rent
