- cross-posted to:
- nottheonion@zerobytes.monster
- cross-posted to:
- nottheonion@zerobytes.monster
Do you realize that this is the 12th year we’ve run this series? Time really flies when you don’t have something lodged up your butt. But for those of you who do, read on to see if you made this year’s list of the weirdest stuff that entered America’s orifices. If not, there’s always next year.
All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and all the entries below involved some very poor decisions.
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- FINGER PUPPET
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- “SHOVED A BAG CONTAINING 20 HYDROXYZINE PILLS INTO HIS RECTUM FOR ‘STREET CRED’”
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- “MOTORIZED TIRE PUMP INSERTED IN HER RECTUM AND WAS INSUFFLATED FOR A DURATION OF APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES”
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tire pump
Someone thought real life worked like inflation porn
You got to feel for anyone who ever legitimately fell, and landed, impaling themselves on something. You can guarantee that no-one involved will EVER believe them that it was an accident.
supposedly it’s either impossible or would cause enough bleeding and trauma to be medically distinguishable
Pencil Sideways
How the fuck?
The fact there’s an entire penis section… No. Just no.
The Domino was the standout of that section for me. From a shape standpoint.
A bag of soil?
Worst:
In vagina: knife
Best 3 (in rectum):
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3 AAA BATTERIES
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2 AA BATTERIES
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1 D BATTERY
And a partridge in a pear tree!
In series or parallel?
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Most of these are obviously the unfortunate end to an otherwise pleasant time, but I can genuinely see the two baby shark toys happening because of the genuine chaos of having children. The tub’s kind of a mess after kiddo’s bath and it took longer than normal but you gotta get to work - oh no! You slipped on a toddler paint stick! Tragic. The worst thing is on the way to the ER you’re just thinking about how that baby shark toy is the only way you can keep them from sobbing about taking a bath.
It was a million-to-one shot, doc.
i can’t read articles like this without remembering that episode. there are a lot if baby sharks in tubs out there, and a lot of people slipping every day. it’s unlikely, but…a million to one shot, maybe?
You would have to have the skinniest butt with the loosest sphincter for this to happen, so plausible
hank hill slips and hits that tub of bath toys at such a high impact, the toy’s gone before he realizes what’s happened…tragic
Slipping and falling on stuff and said stuff ending in your rectum. As we all had in our lives. You know, the common way. I honestly don’t think it’s an accident, if only from my limited experience slipping and falling.
occam’s razor here would be what you’re saying, instead of the looney tunes meets seinfeld type mishap I’m suggesting!
How the fuck the candy cane not broke
It’s easy. Literally anyone can do it. You should give it a shot. Peppermint gives a refreshing feeling.
A long and embattled life of anal experimentation has left the barrier to entry quite… Loose.
