And I’m taking Poison Ivy off the table. Too easy. I think I’d go with The Penguin, mostly cause that just seems like normal crimes.
Dr Doom, easy
He’s an important bulwark against US imperialism and his only real character flaw is not being able to get over the girl he liked in college
Most of my job would be trying to get him to move on and get over Sue Storm. He’s the leader of a whole country, dude may not get women the way Fidel did but there’s gotta be someone for him
Was going to post Doc Doom too.
Second up is Magneto because mutants rule humans drool.
I’ve posted about this a bit ago, but of x men mutants were an irl thing I’d be donating to fund more sentinels. Any rando could just have the power to destroy worlds, fuck that
But this is the same universe where you can get hit with gamma radiation and punch the planet in half. But that doesn’t get the same level of dehumanization as mutants who time and time again have their attempts to live away from humanity ruined, sometimes even by sentinels.
It would from me.
Oooh time to bring out this chestnut of a question - were you pro registration during the Civil War arc?
I don’t really follow comics and have barely watched a marvel movie that isn’t guardians. I’m silver age pilled. And yeah. I’d be pro registration, but I don’t know the details of ehat thst implies. Also as an in universe guy how aware am I of all the weird outer space sruffnim the Marvel universe or do they even exist on this thought experiment? Cause if there’s thanoses and galactusi out there, I will fully submit to my new mutant Goss because clearly there is power far beyond my comprehension and I guess these weirdos are the nest shot we have, but I’d consider thst a really really bleak prospect. With the outer space stuff I’d just be a Lovecraft protagonist but less racist. If we’re talking just on earth superpower people being out there doing stuff, yeah, I’d prefer they be responsible to some sort of authority.
That’s fair. You have a pretty decent grasp of the storyline.
Then again, it’s hard saying what would be a realistic societal reaction and what wouldn’t be. Like how batman only beats up bad guys who deserve it 100% of the time and the cops in the setting are either overwhelmed and well-meaning or just flat out corrupt.
And yeah, either way, being a normie in a comics setting is a terrible proposition. One reality warper or time traveler and you rethink your entire place in the universe.
I don’t know much about the guy and don’t really know his politics, I kinda assumed he was opposed to us imperialism in the same way nazi Germany was. I like that you’ve chosen the job of getting him laid tho. If I wasn’t speaking strictly comics, I’d join up with The Mighty Monarch so fast. I’m a sucker for anyone taking great means for petty comeuppances. To quote the man himself "i wanted to kick his ass! I wanted to builda machine to kickhis ass! I wanted to build an empire to house the machine that would kick his ass! like 21, I can get behind that and would love to help someone with such a project.
Do you have a powder blue Nissan Stanza?
I have my friends powder blue Nissan stanza
Deal
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Yes, and no
Mr. Freeze started off wanting to avenge his wife’s death at the hands of one Ferris Boyle
Then it turned out she wasn’t dead, just being held hostage by a fake Walt Disney guy
Then the events of Batman and Robin: Sub-Zero happen and Freeze’s wife gets some organ transplants and is fine
Then we see the reason why Mr. Freeze didn’t go off to live with his wife
His condition was deteriorating and before they could stabilize it, he’s left as a head in a jar, so he goes all Final Fantasy villain and wants to destroy everything because his life is fucked
Batman stops him, he spends 50 years in a box, Derek Powers has him cloned into a new body which also begins to deteriorate, Freeze escapes before they can kill him and examine his organs, comes back with new Freeze suit, tries to cause a nuclear reactor to meltdown, he ends up sacrificing himself to help save Batman when Derek Powers tries to kill them both with his new radiation powers
And yeah, that’s Mr. Freeze from the Batman: The Animated Series
The comics get weirder
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He’s also got all the best one-liners
The Penguin cracks me up because he’s basically a funky dude who loves birds and crime and that is the most Hexbear themed villain if I ever heard of one.
Catwoman
Okay. Also doesn’t count
Wait, so we can’t pick any women villains?
She doesnt have henchmen. Are you a cat?
I might be
Poison Ivy does environmental aid and is therefore just generally good and catwoman generally just robs rich people. I’m trying to avoid the easy picks of non evil villains and a lot of woman villains fo fall into that category, gotta admit. Women tend to get the sympathetic/misled villains thing cause comics.
Magneto is sympathetic too tho and we’re allowing him but not Catwoman?
In this specific case cause I was distracted from that by my post about how I don’t think he’s sympathetic cause fuck mutants. Magneto has gotten up to some planet destroying shit tho. Catwoman hasn’t really ever done anything all that villainous thst I’m aware of and is an anti hero at her most evil as far as I’m aware. And if there’s an easy answer to latch onto in a thread like this everyone else just goes with that instead of thinking of something for themselves. She’s unambiguously cool and ambiguous good. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter cause it’s an intentionally silly question.
Dr. Killinger, you silly Billy
Love iz not meant to be private, it iz meant to be shared. (twirls)
Poison Ivy, because I have muh free speech
Spoiles ballot
Wilson Fisk doesn’t seem like a bad gig. He’s semi legit so you probably get health insurance and stuff. Spider man is the easiest guy to fall down for. Like “oh no! my gun has been yanked from my hands and I got tossed into a sticky trampoline stuck in the corner of the room. All I can do is wait for the cops to show up and not be able to make any charges stick.”
Not a bad call there
“Sticky trampoline” is going to haunt my nightmares now.
Lex Luthor, mostly because superman would probably take it easy on me compared to some other superheroes.
He’s like a venture capitalist though
I’m already a goon for capitalists in real life though so nothing much would change, seems like a pretty solid outcome if you have to become a comic book goon
Does the Monarch from Venture Bros. count? Definitely him or his wife Dr. Mrs. The Monarch
Sounds like a good way to get torn in half by Brock Sampson
He can bust me open any day
I didn’t count him for myself. Dr. Mrs. The Monarch serves on the guild council and is therefore unable to arch
Fair enough, I’d probably pick the Joker or Slade from original Teen Titans
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Sabertooth. If not friend, why friend shaped?
I’ve rewritten headcanon so I could enjoy an unproblematic version of him. His backstory is a lot more interesting than Wolverine’s, tortured and ageless, but also visibly a mutant.
Probably Bane cause you know he gives his henchmen the good performance enhancers
Or Killer Croc if I always want to be on the side with an enormous physical and psychological combat advantage. Like imagine going into the breach and you hear monstrous running footsteps, roars and terrified screams, and you know what’s causing them is on your side. You’d feel ten feet tall too
Bane is good, keeps the Americans out of Santa Prisca
Normal Crimes? who’d want to do normal crimes in comicbook land? catch me doing weird pseudo-mythology magic crimes and getting tied by wonder woman henching for Cheetah
who’d want to do normal crimes in comicbook land?
me. I want to wear a flat cap over my “haven’t shaved in 3 days” stubble with a baseball bat and just go around smashing shit and menacing people before getting my ass kicked by some dork in spandex with superpowers
Same, I just wanna be a guy that unloads crates in a sketchy dock and sees the bat signal and says "watch out boys, THE BAT’S out tonight!’ As if he isn’t out every night. If he wasn’t they could just do crime whenever the bat signal was off.
shitty faux brooklyn accent “Ayyy, what’s da plan, boss???”
What ineffectual weapon would you smack your palm with when you’re about to hit something or someone? I wanna be the guy yhst starts out with a gun, has it bataranged out of his hand and then uses a garbage can lid.
I wouldn’t say ineffectual but I would say I’d use something improvised
- Baseball bat
- Crowbar
- Big pipe wrench
- Metal pipe
in order of preference
I’m scared of getting killed by lasers
Atrocitus. I think I’d definitely end up as a near mindless rage filled monster but he’d let (encourage?) me vomit acidic fire vomit all over Earth billionaires so it might be worth it.
For a cause I could support? Flag-Smasher
For funsies? Mr. Freeze
Always wanted a freeze ray
